Hotel Rwanda

"It is not genocite. It is an act of genocide"
What is the difference?
1 million people died.... and noone did anything. It is all politics.
They do not know what it is. You must have experienced it to understand. Completely powerless. And then you give up.
"I am going to die. There is nothing else I can do. My life in in the mercy of this person over me. And he will kill me."
Only when you have said that, when you have experienced the powerlessness, only then can you understand what is it to give up on yourself, your life, the people who love you. It is the scariest feeling a human being can experience. No control.

The pain. The humiliation. The disrespect. My mind is unable to understand how is a human being able to be cruel towards another human being. This is not animalistic. Anymals do it for food, to protect themselves and their children. Humans do it out of fear, for sex, for money, for power, for glory. Is there a worse thought that the thought of knowing you have hurt someone? I have hurt. I look back. Then I was a child. It was a game, a play, a way to control. I cannot hurt another person. I wish I could. But I have a heart. I have the love inside. I was brought up with the belief that no human being should ever hurt another human being. I am unable to do that.

Every one of us swears never to hurt another. But even amongst the best of us, something always snaps. And the angel becomes the devil. And hurts. And hurts. And hurts. In my mind, and in my heart, to hurt is the biggest punishment. Because you are not human anymore. you become a monster. Not an animal. A monster. You inflict pain. Over and over and over again. You swear you will never do it again. But you don;t trust yourself anymore. You hurted the other person, and you hurted yourself. Is there anything worse than that? Would even jail make it worse?

What is to wish you were not here anymore so the pain does not come back?
What is to wish to escape by any means?
They say life is stronger than death because we have the natural instinct of self-preservation.
What if one day this instinct is gone?
Would you use your hand to hurt yourself?
Or does it even matter?
Once you lose your control, your power, you have nothing to stop you.
It is the easiest choice. The hardest choice too.

For me, it is not a choice.

Floating in Emptyness

Sleep creates an illusion of a different world. A world where beauty and love govern actions. A world where we can control everything and make things better. Sleep gives me the escape from reality. I used to have nightmares. YOu can;t not have them when you have gone through so much terrible experiences. But now.... sleep is being merciful to me. It blesses me with beautiful dreams which calm me and make me feel happy. And when I wake up... the reality rushes in and demands dealing with it.
Today... my parents were caring and understanding. And made sure to tell me they are always there for me and there is nothing more important for them than me. This was exactly what I needed. Having my family with me and them respecting my wishes is the most important for me right now. It felt good to be cared for and respected. RESPECTED. This is the key for my self-confidence and happiness.
I bought a silver cross with Jesus on it. It is not because of faith. I bought it to remind me that I have the power and my pains are for other people, because God has given me the task to show the weaker the right way and make them stronger.
He called. I hated the way he tried to avoid telling the truth and saving details. I am sure it was uncomfortability, but made me very angry. I knew he was a irresponsible, but I hoped after all that happened maybe he was ready to deal with it. So I did not save him my dispise and forced him to call again and be more demanding for support. So after a lecture on how people should be treated, and what a relationship constitutes, I think he is not my problem anymore. I did what I had to do. I saved him a lot of troubles, but at the same time caused him enough distress and pain to shake him and put him on the path. I can only hope that himself, his parents and his friends will be strong enough and responsible enough to follow through and achieve what I am aiming for.

But... with me there is always a but. There is a feeling of emptiness. Like I have lost someone or something. I still have that feeling that things will change and we can start again and everything is going to be great. I want to eat the fruits of my efforts. After so much pain, I want to be treated the way he should have before, to be respected, and cared for and loved. But the truth is that I know that this is not possible. There is no point for me to give more energy to somebody who does not deserve it. It may make me feel better, but God knows I do not have a single reason to be with that person ever again. There are certain reasons why people are together. Some are selfish, other are physical. I have neither of them. I do not get anything but doubt and insecurity and pain out of it. So I KNOW that I need to walk out and try to keep going without having to go through it every single day. ANd I will call first thing tomorrow morning. But I NEED to be with someone right now. I have my parents and my friends, and I am sure they all will help me. But the emptiness is still there. I wish I could not feel this way anymore. I wish I could just dissociate myself from my emotions. I have an amazing rationality and stormy emotions. So when emotions die, rationality will power.
And I am taking a huge break from all that stuff. At least a few months, at least until the summer break. Will try to visit the libraries more often, see some friends, and get used to the fact that being alone can be a beautiful discovery of myself. And when I am again happy with myself and have the strength, and if there is someone in my life who appreciated me enough to try to get to me and understands me, then I will open my heart for the beauty and intimacy.

Blindness

What is it to be blind? To look but not see. To know but not understand. What is it to be out of control? To believe that you know nothing and the person in front of you knows everything.
I was blind. In my desire to keep things going I refused to be selfish. Now I can list all the negative things, and I am sure there is no future for it. But back then I held on to a straw.
I am amazed by myself. Shit like this does not happen to everyone. And everyone I went to for help was hardly able to say anything. But I knew back then and I know now what has to be done. All I know is that the worst is behind me ad I can start again. Time will cure us.
I do not really want to talk about last night. I just know I was more scared of the police and the people in my res seeing them then anything else. And my parents were supportive. I did not say anything. Because I knew what their reaction would be. And I would never forget myself if this happens. I may be bitchy, nasty, and aggressive, but I would never ruin someone's life or hurt someone. Because I am the stronger one. I am the one who is able to deal with it. I am the one God chose to show people the right path in life, to change them and make them better people. If he sent me his power to do good to everyone, I have to walk straight up and show myself I deserve it.
Here is a theory: morel development by Erickson, goes into 6 stages. You are achived the final stage only when your actions are a balance between your personal believes, societal norms, and understanding of the other person. I saw myself there. And him down. It is amazing to see your superiority above someone on intellectual and moral level. And the most wonderful feeling was that even though I knew I was better than him, my thoughts were still directed towards dealing with the situation in ways in which neither of us would have been sacrificed. I gave him more than he deserved. But giving frm yourself, giving everything you had for someone who does not deserve you, but yet deserves mercy, is a power. And I do have that power.
I am proud of what I am, of what I stand for, and of what I did in this situation. And I believe that I have achieved a superior moral understanding of myself and others. I just need to remain strong and not allow others to make me feel inferior Because if they do not respect me, they have not seen the power inside me and the true heart I have and the love I spread around.
God bless the lost souls and send them a friendly hand to save them from the pain and suffering and non-existant living.


P.S. Sabi, THANK YOU. and thanks to your mom for caring about me more than anyone else did. This was a wake-up call for me. I know that there will be embarrassment from last night, and stigma and all sort of that stuff, but I am in a good place and people do not really care. What an irony eh? Caring saved me and not caring saved me too.

We are all alone in the universe

This sounds like one of these lines in some of the futuristic movies and then they find alliens and get shocked. Ouch.
But the more you look at it, the more you realize that it is true deep down. Noone can really understand you, noone care enough. People are ultimately selfish. It is more important what they think and what is best for them. there is no compassion, no love anymore. And all these movies.... I have not really met anyone who is able to sacrifice their life for someone else. Except me I guess. I am doing it right now. Exposing myself to the risk of not living by giving another chance. I am either stupid, or I have that intrinsic believe in good and love that makes me take the wrong decisions.
Recently, many people have argued that girls are bitches, guys are jerks, but we care about each other and we are all nice and so on. guess what? We are not. Here is a story:
So obviously I have been a huge mess in the last 2 weeks for obvious, yet personal reasons. So if you don;t know what am talking about, do yourself a favour and do not ask. But, I needed support from my friends. So I did tell a few of them. People who I respect and who I believed could at least listen and assure me it was not my fault and I did not deserve that. So I did meet a bunch of them separately per my request. Some I told, others I just could not bring myself to the point where I would be able to. And for some, the settings were not apropriate either. I made a point to myself not to get upset in public, because that would not be good for me or the people I am with. So, here is how it went.
One person (who I love and thank and will always owe a lot to) was there for me through the tears and the pain, she put me to bed few times, stayed with me, I invaded her room every day and still do. She did not know what to do, she knew she could not help, and it made her sad. But just being with me helps me a lot, because I know that I have a safe place to go to, and someone who loves me unconditionally and will not leave me just because of my problems.
The second person, well she said, I told you, you should have listened to me, you are stupid for staying, etc, etc. Which obviously made me even more upset and feeling weak and blaming myself for what happened.
The third person, well he got 3 hours of delusions and torturous talking from me. I guess he survived. he knew he could not help me, but decided that me leaving school would be the best thing to do given the circumstances. Let;s say that for him to say that, it meant he either does not know me, or he is too selfish to see any other way out. And on top of that he completely forgot what I told him and did not call me the whole week. I guess that talks for itself enough.
The fourth person, well he is the kind of guy who everyone adores, and everyone thinks he is amazing, and strong, and friendly and everything. So, considering we used to be really good friends and told each other everything, I went to him, because we have always told each other we are there for help. But, we spend 25 min together, and prob 10 of these he talked to other people. First he did not believe me that what I told him actually happened. Second he told me I was idiot for not involving the police. Third he obviously seemed disinterested in anything and just wanted to get out of there. And on top of that he asked me where I always find fucked up people who disrespect me and hurt me and so on. He left without calling me for the next few days. As I found out later, the reason was because he could not deal with it because he was not ready to put the effort due to personal problems, Which I do understand, but I feel led on, because he could have at least tried to symphatize. I walked out of that meeting more fucked up then I got into it. I just regret that I still thought we could be friends even though he has done similar things many times in the past. Obviously, my mistake for being nice and understanding and giving him another chance. I am so sorry he has to be out of my life, because I really love him. But sometimes, we love people who hurt us. Love and like/friendship have nothing in common after a certain point.
The forth person I told was very nice and understanding. Did not know what to say or do either. But she was very compassionate, she listened, and assured me I could always call her and talk about anything. There was that kind of care and warmth that came from her... She was a good person to end the week with.

Of course, there were others, not friends, more like co-workers, acquaintances who found out about it one way or the other. Well, they did not know it was me. End result: I feel like I am weak for giving it another try after what happened, I am scared it will happen again, and I feel like I cannot control my decision and be rational. I think I am stupid, weak, and if something happens, it would be mostly my own fault for allowing it to happen.

Maybe if I was not so forgiving, if I did not believe in goodness, and if I was selfish and did not care and was arrogant bitch like most people around, I would be much better off.
At the end, all that matters is ME, and I am alone in making myself happy. Do not rely on anyone, because noone can give themselves to you. For God's sake, even you cannot give yourself to you thourougly.

God save ME from MYSELF.

I want myself back

I wish it never had happened, but there is no a time machine, and there is no brain machine to erase people from your mind. So I have to deal with it. And I can't... I just can't. I try so hard to forget, to keep going my normal way, to not get completely depressed and totally fucked up. But how can I do that when I am unable to stay in my room for more than an hour without thinking about it and getting all fucked up, when I cannot stay around large groups, and even people who know me. It takes so much effort to stay calm and pretend everything is alright. I am tired of the artificial smiles everywhere, and the perfect niceness towards everyone when all I want to do it scream and run away where noone knows me and nothing will remind me of it.
I keep repeating the name of God over and over again. But he does not care. He left me on my own to live in pain and fear. Is he testing me again? Is he using me again as a tool to punish others? Would God who loves all his children let me suffer... Why is he doing this to me... Why...
Somone told me about Rwanda today, and I almost bursted in tears, because what happened there is so much... and i am comlaining of something affecting only two people... I don;t even know if I am the only one affected...
I keep thinking about running away, but where? nowhere will be different. If I don;t deal with it here, I will never survive anywhere...
I thought about getting drunk to the point i could not remember anything. Do something stupid... But I can;t be drunk all the time. And I can;t sleep all the time either. I don;t want to fuck my objective life after fucking over my subjective one.
I feel like there is no hope... I tried... But noone can understand... they have to experience it... I try so hard God, so hard, and you just leave me suffer... Did I do something to cause it all to rain over me... When I finally thought life is great, an even worse thing happens.
I just can;t do it anymore. I really can;t do it. I know this is not rational, I don;t want it, I know this is not what I have to do, but i wish it happened then. I would not be feeling like a wreck now... I would not wish I was dead.

Fear and Pain

I cannot describe it. Never been in such a shock. Why is someone able to do such a thing... I... just...
I need to talk, but cannot tell anyone. I thought i could try to post here just to let it go.
i just know that it hurts so much and i am scared to death... it's not even funny how sarcastic this sounds...
i just can't. not now, not yet. i cannot think or talk!
i hope noone ever experiences what happened to me.
I am not religious, but for the first time i need god to help me because noone else can.
please god save them from the pain and fear and give me peace to keep living
please god please please

A question....

If you are worth the fuck, are you always worth the date?

In life, we often see these super hot people, and they blow your mind, cause all you can think of is that they are the best lay. Well, as you have also probably found, hot people are not really the relationship type all the time. Actually, in most cases, they are too hot to resist the constant temptations. So, generally I do avoid going out with hot guys. They are too much of high maintanence.

But here is a different scenario to the situation. So you meet someone, and you can't get it out of your mind how great sex would be with that person. So you really wanna be with that person sexually. But, at the same time, you know that your friends would never really approve on that person. So practically, you decide that all you can have with that person is a sexual relationship. A hidden relationship. No going out, cause your friends may see you. No showing affection in public, cause your friends may see you. No special occasions, cause your friends may see you. In other words, you cannot be a couple, but you can fuck your brains out as much as you can.

I guess, if you are that kinda person, such a scenario would be perfect. No obligations, no complications, no time wasted. You get the best from both words. And you don;t lose anything. And since you are someone who does not really care, then you don;t get guilt trips every single night you go over. So, I guess you are perfectly set up for such a relationship.

But..... We are talking about a two-sided story here. So your partner, who is obviously not up to the standards of your friends, has to give up on any thoughts about dating you, and going to places with you, and hanging out with your friends and so on. And your partner is also pretty shaky on showing you to his/her friends, who may really disapprove of you. But unlike you, your partner doesnn't really care, and would show you off anyways. The problem is that no matter how confident your partner is, noone I have ever known has been able to put up with such a situation. I mean, just having sex when wanting to have a real relationship.

I am not sure if my opinion on the matter is conservative, or selfish, or bitchy, or call it whatever you want, but I just think that sex is not enough for any relationship. And what seems to be missing in this scenario i mutual respect and being on the same page. I am not sure how these two people are going to resolve their issues. I am actually not sure what would I decide if I was in a situation like that. Do you choose the fun, pointless sex and ignoring the disrespect, or you chose to break it up, losing the person, but keeping self-respect. What is more important? Oh, I know an observer would definitely say Self-Respect is always you have left, but sometimes, we need to compromise...

I hope someone has thoughts on the matter....

New Year'S Resolutions

I almost forgot about them! And yes, if you think they are stupid, screw you! Cause I do them every year! Last year things went great, so I am keeping up the good work :D I got a bunch right before midnight, but they were hastily written on a greeting card from my dad. So here is another version:
1) Go with the Flow! (Yeah, J, this year I am making it happen!)
2) Keep in touch with old and current friends and make time for them
3) Enjoy yourself any moment of your life and do not regret anything you do!
4) Don;t take up too much things at once!
5) Concentrate on the most important things and ignore the secondary
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I had way more, but now they are gone from my brain. Will look up and add them up later. And yes, I do have gym, friends, intimacy and family somewhere down the list :D

What's to be loved so dearly and sincerely and unconditionally?

It makes you smile. And giggle, and brightens your day, and makes you feel like you are the only one in the whole world and you can do everything. It is so special :D
So there is that good friend of mine who now lives in Australia. We've know each other for years, and kept in touch here and there. I used to kinda have something for him, but it was nothing serious, more like joke. And he is not one to turn my head around cause no girl has ever made him believe in long-distance relationship. He is materialistic guy you know. Gotta touch, gotta kiss, gotta have sex to believe it. Yeah, I am that way too, so what ;) So he is 25, studying nursing, has a band (as every other guy I have ever liked one way or the other connected to music), likes to party, gets on with his friends, and only since recently not having random sex with random girls on random nights while drinking random stuff. I used to kick his ass in msn minesweeper :D I think he gave up though ;) SO he has been with me through a lot of shit, part of that community, where nothing gets hiden, and everything is on the public. So, he decided to msg me after few months to get me the new version of msn :) And of course bubbly me starts chatting, seeing how are things. And jump to jump we ended up talking about me being with someone, and him being single for a while. And he sensed that I was a little shaky about the guy and not exactly confident and stuff. SO he came strong as always. He told me something he has never told me before. And trust me he is not a guy to just say things to make you feel good about yourself. He said that if he was in Canada, or I was in OZ, we would have been a tandem. I was like, omg, something's going on. And then he told me how incredible I was, and what a wonderful person and wonderful friend I was, and how much he respects me and all these things, I hardly even remember. And you know what... In that very moment all I could type was a huge smile. This person had broken his rules to stand next to me. I so wish he was in Canada or I was in OZ. Because I know with him I would be really happy.

And if you think it was all either cause he felt sorry for me or cause he was jealous I was getting some and he wasn;t, well he was not the only one.
There is that very special girl in my life who makes me the happiest person in the world, because he is not ashamed when I run screaming don to the hall to knock on her door and scream and jump and tell her a bunch of stuff in 1 min. And this girl is also not afraid to tell me he loves me and misses me and can't wait to see me. And she is also not bored with me going over the some shit over and over. And she is also probably the only person who has seen me as upset as I ever get and crying. And this girl makes me believe that good people are there in the world, and that I am not a bad person, and that I am not doing bad things, and that I am me, and a wonderful me, and that she loves this crazy weird hyped up me :D And I love her and I am not gonna hide it at all!!! Love you Angie!!!!!!! *hug*

And there is that person, who acts like he does not care, but then I can bitch at him forever and he will just make funny faces and say ok, i see, and so on, and who I feel like slapping sometimes cause he nerves me out with his smartass comments, and who i should have kep closer to myself!

And there are others... many others, and I am not gonna say about them now, either cause i am mad at them, or cause we are not close right now, but who i carry with myself ready to burst on them :D And you know who you are, and if you don;t then youa re silly :D

SO you see :D These are the many people that lift me up and help me jump my limits :D
And now I am getting all sappy and wacky and I should stop and go take a breathe :D

I love you guys! I truely do!

What is it about me that I let it happen?

I spent the last 2 months looking back at old relationships and trying to connect them to the current ones. A lot of people got me their opinion. Some just listened because had nothing to say, either because they gave up on trying to convince me to change, or because it never happened to them. Most often the second option.
Do you know what is to be abused? Physically, psychologically? I do. The bruises come and go, you slightly remember them. What is left is the feeling of being inferior, weak, unable to defend yourself, giving up. It feels like you are lost,a nd detached from reality. Like it is not happening to you, but to some stranger you have never met before. But guess what? Then you wake up from the zombed out state and you realize this is you! This is your life! And you have to deal with your own mess, because noone else can help you. People can only be nice and listen to you and tell you to stop. But they do not live your life. If you don;t stop it, noone else would.
One of you keeps repeating that he does not understand how is it possible for me to live this way and let such things happen to me. Look at me! Am I weak? Am I a mop on the floor? Am I unable to stand for myself? Is this the person you know? The one who would fight with you, the one who would go to the end? Are we talking about the same person here? Who is the real me? Is one just a mask I put on for the world so they do not see who I am? Or am I switching personalities? Someone once told me I was the strongest girl he knows. Where is she??? Is she inside or outside?
I let it slide all the time. I make myself vulnerable to them, because I hope they would give me what I am looking for. And what they do in return? You want to know the truth? They treat me like I deserve to be hurt. Like I am not worth it their attention. Like I am worse than them. Why they do that? They are not bad people. Neither of them is. And yet I am able to take out the worst of them. Sometimes I cannot even realize what they are doing. Or if I can, I just let it pass. Because I have never seen better. I blame myself all the time.
It's been going on for years. Every single relationship. Every single man. And trust me I have had more than most people my age. At some point you get angry. Then start maming excuses for them. Then you blame them. Then you take all the blame on yourself. Then you feel ashamed of yourself. Then you try to change. Then you adapt. And it goes over and over. A circle. Everyone sayd the Power is Within. But is it? There is only a limit until which you are able to deal with shit internally. After that point you need someone to help you, But when you get to that point it is so bad, that a single person is not able to help you. You need many. This is exactly what happened to her too. It's what happened to him as well. There is a limit to everyone's abilities to save themselves.
Don;t let it slide this time, don;t let yourself fall into the hole, don;t kill yourself again. Because one day, you are gonna fall and never get up. And I will not be there to lift you up. It will be just you.

And I cried. For the first time in more than an year I cried. And just let it go. Because control was not possible anymore. And because control was not needed at that moment. And because control was not wanted. And I cried. And then fell asleep... And nightmares came in my dreams to haunt me... nights and nights... countless nights... and I could not stop them... I will never stop them the nightmares. Because dreams and reality are on. It never ends. And even sleep cannot save me anymore.

Winter Holiday News

to keep myself awake, time to share some experiences.
The holiday was pretty weird actually. Probably because I was working 2 jobs every single day, and got tired of seeing the office. No wonder I keep 3 jobs, 2 volunteer positions, and 6 courses. I just can't keep still! And get bored! The res was pretty empty too.
But you know what, this was a really good holiday :D A very bonding family time. We really got closer. And this year I found the perfect little cards and said the perfect little words, coming from my heart. I don;t know if I love them, but I surely do appreciate their place in my life.
Ottawa was nice, cold, tiring, but I got sleep. And I found out that me and my dad are not able to exist in the same room at night! Impossible! I did like the trip though, because these 5 hour drives in one car wth 4 people can give you a lot of info about your parents, your bro, yourself, and of course your family :D DEfinitely learnt a bunch of stuff, and life is back to normal :D I have a real great family, and we love each other no matter how little we show it. And they were a great way to escape the sadness that got to me one night. So yeah, I've got back my family :D
And!!! I got back my confidence, and playfulness, and just the old ME! And I got highlights and a great hairstyle which I loved for few days before showering and losing the ability to renew the look. But I took pics ;) So back to normal :D
And... I missed all my friends during the holiday, espcially Angie cause I am so addicted to running to her room when my heart breaks! But I thought about someone else... I regretted not doing what I thought I did not want to do! WHy would I regret that??? I am still unsure what happened, what was the reason for me feeling this way... I feel quiet vulnerable. And it hits me again. Best thing this time: I have support from people who love me and are there for me, and I have been through it so many times that I know exactly how to deal with it :D
And I found that there is someone I am intimidated by, and she happens to be my boss :/
But, Holidays were great :D
Oh, did I mention that Disney on Ice was amazing! My bro slept through it, but I loved it, and my parents did too :D I am such a kid :D And that is why you love me :D
More to come ...