I want myself back

I wish it never had happened, but there is no a time machine, and there is no brain machine to erase people from your mind. So I have to deal with it. And I can't... I just can't. I try so hard to forget, to keep going my normal way, to not get completely depressed and totally fucked up. But how can I do that when I am unable to stay in my room for more than an hour without thinking about it and getting all fucked up, when I cannot stay around large groups, and even people who know me. It takes so much effort to stay calm and pretend everything is alright. I am tired of the artificial smiles everywhere, and the perfect niceness towards everyone when all I want to do it scream and run away where noone knows me and nothing will remind me of it.
I keep repeating the name of God over and over again. But he does not care. He left me on my own to live in pain and fear. Is he testing me again? Is he using me again as a tool to punish others? Would God who loves all his children let me suffer... Why is he doing this to me... Why...
Somone told me about Rwanda today, and I almost bursted in tears, because what happened there is so much... and i am comlaining of something affecting only two people... I don;t even know if I am the only one affected...
I keep thinking about running away, but where? nowhere will be different. If I don;t deal with it here, I will never survive anywhere...
I thought about getting drunk to the point i could not remember anything. Do something stupid... But I can;t be drunk all the time. And I can;t sleep all the time either. I don;t want to fuck my objective life after fucking over my subjective one.
I feel like there is no hope... I tried... But noone can understand... they have to experience it... I try so hard God, so hard, and you just leave me suffer... Did I do something to cause it all to rain over me... When I finally thought life is great, an even worse thing happens.
I just can;t do it anymore. I really can;t do it. I know this is not rational, I don;t want it, I know this is not what I have to do, but i wish it happened then. I would not be feeling like a wreck now... I would not wish I was dead.