What is it about me that I let it happen?

I spent the last 2 months looking back at old relationships and trying to connect them to the current ones. A lot of people got me their opinion. Some just listened because had nothing to say, either because they gave up on trying to convince me to change, or because it never happened to them. Most often the second option.
Do you know what is to be abused? Physically, psychologically? I do. The bruises come and go, you slightly remember them. What is left is the feeling of being inferior, weak, unable to defend yourself, giving up. It feels like you are lost,a nd detached from reality. Like it is not happening to you, but to some stranger you have never met before. But guess what? Then you wake up from the zombed out state and you realize this is you! This is your life! And you have to deal with your own mess, because noone else can help you. People can only be nice and listen to you and tell you to stop. But they do not live your life. If you don;t stop it, noone else would.
One of you keeps repeating that he does not understand how is it possible for me to live this way and let such things happen to me. Look at me! Am I weak? Am I a mop on the floor? Am I unable to stand for myself? Is this the person you know? The one who would fight with you, the one who would go to the end? Are we talking about the same person here? Who is the real me? Is one just a mask I put on for the world so they do not see who I am? Or am I switching personalities? Someone once told me I was the strongest girl he knows. Where is she??? Is she inside or outside?
I let it slide all the time. I make myself vulnerable to them, because I hope they would give me what I am looking for. And what they do in return? You want to know the truth? They treat me like I deserve to be hurt. Like I am not worth it their attention. Like I am worse than them. Why they do that? They are not bad people. Neither of them is. And yet I am able to take out the worst of them. Sometimes I cannot even realize what they are doing. Or if I can, I just let it pass. Because I have never seen better. I blame myself all the time.
It's been going on for years. Every single relationship. Every single man. And trust me I have had more than most people my age. At some point you get angry. Then start maming excuses for them. Then you blame them. Then you take all the blame on yourself. Then you feel ashamed of yourself. Then you try to change. Then you adapt. And it goes over and over. A circle. Everyone sayd the Power is Within. But is it? There is only a limit until which you are able to deal with shit internally. After that point you need someone to help you, But when you get to that point it is so bad, that a single person is not able to help you. You need many. This is exactly what happened to her too. It's what happened to him as well. There is a limit to everyone's abilities to save themselves.
Don;t let it slide this time, don;t let yourself fall into the hole, don;t kill yourself again. Because one day, you are gonna fall and never get up. And I will not be there to lift you up. It will be just you.

And I cried. For the first time in more than an year I cried. And just let it go. Because control was not possible anymore. And because control was not needed at that moment. And because control was not wanted. And I cried. And then fell asleep... And nightmares came in my dreams to haunt me... nights and nights... countless nights... and I could not stop them... I will never stop them the nightmares. Because dreams and reality are on. It never ends. And even sleep cannot save me anymore.