Floating in Emptyness

Sleep creates an illusion of a different world. A world where beauty and love govern actions. A world where we can control everything and make things better. Sleep gives me the escape from reality. I used to have nightmares. YOu can;t not have them when you have gone through so much terrible experiences. But now.... sleep is being merciful to me. It blesses me with beautiful dreams which calm me and make me feel happy. And when I wake up... the reality rushes in and demands dealing with it.
Today... my parents were caring and understanding. And made sure to tell me they are always there for me and there is nothing more important for them than me. This was exactly what I needed. Having my family with me and them respecting my wishes is the most important for me right now. It felt good to be cared for and respected. RESPECTED. This is the key for my self-confidence and happiness.
I bought a silver cross with Jesus on it. It is not because of faith. I bought it to remind me that I have the power and my pains are for other people, because God has given me the task to show the weaker the right way and make them stronger.
He called. I hated the way he tried to avoid telling the truth and saving details. I am sure it was uncomfortability, but made me very angry. I knew he was a irresponsible, but I hoped after all that happened maybe he was ready to deal with it. So I did not save him my dispise and forced him to call again and be more demanding for support. So after a lecture on how people should be treated, and what a relationship constitutes, I think he is not my problem anymore. I did what I had to do. I saved him a lot of troubles, but at the same time caused him enough distress and pain to shake him and put him on the path. I can only hope that himself, his parents and his friends will be strong enough and responsible enough to follow through and achieve what I am aiming for.

But... with me there is always a but. There is a feeling of emptiness. Like I have lost someone or something. I still have that feeling that things will change and we can start again and everything is going to be great. I want to eat the fruits of my efforts. After so much pain, I want to be treated the way he should have before, to be respected, and cared for and loved. But the truth is that I know that this is not possible. There is no point for me to give more energy to somebody who does not deserve it. It may make me feel better, but God knows I do not have a single reason to be with that person ever again. There are certain reasons why people are together. Some are selfish, other are physical. I have neither of them. I do not get anything but doubt and insecurity and pain out of it. So I KNOW that I need to walk out and try to keep going without having to go through it every single day. ANd I will call first thing tomorrow morning. But I NEED to be with someone right now. I have my parents and my friends, and I am sure they all will help me. But the emptiness is still there. I wish I could not feel this way anymore. I wish I could just dissociate myself from my emotions. I have an amazing rationality and stormy emotions. So when emotions die, rationality will power.
And I am taking a huge break from all that stuff. At least a few months, at least until the summer break. Will try to visit the libraries more often, see some friends, and get used to the fact that being alone can be a beautiful discovery of myself. And when I am again happy with myself and have the strength, and if there is someone in my life who appreciated me enough to try to get to me and understands me, then I will open my heart for the beauty and intimacy.