These scary nights with scary thoughts

The alarm goes off. All I can think about is, "Fuck, not again! I hate that shitty job in that shitty time. What's wrong with just sleeping all night like normal people." But, I am nowhere near being normal. Whenever the nightmares are not waking me up every 15 min, it would be the pain, or something minor, and if all that is perfect, then it would be the job! It would be cool if it was some good exciting job that makes a difference, but standing for 8 hours in an office trying not to fall asleep is not my definition of a worthy job. But the thought of getting enough money to have a great loose month in BG keeps me awake. As well as the bitching to people, and non-stop writing of e-mails. Makes me feel guilty for not drinking coffee. Around 3 am everything goes quiet. I go around to make sure noone is being a shitdisturber, and end up being bored out of my mind, cause everyone is asleep in their rooms, not on msn, or having sex. Whatever they choose, the important point is that they are not awake. And then comes the worst time of my week.
I hate them. They come slowly and fill every corner of my exhausted conscious. They make others come too, and it all becomes a chaotic danceshow on the dancefloor of my poor existance. I try to tell them to go away, rining bells and switching to others, but they never give up. And why would they? Now is the time when they hit! Finally! After years of hiding befing their glorious siblings, now is their time to shine and take over. They don't care if they achieve the goal, it would not matter, cause then my brainwaves would be completely flat, so no more transduction of them or any of their kind would further occur. I guess they enjoy that idea of suicadility. The excitement of what is out there in the unknown forbidden land of death. They just know it will be their time to feast over my blank consciousness. I adore the thought of hopping into this mesmeric existance (or non-existance, whatever religious/spiritual believes you may hold). It's perfection. Pure perfection! Nothingness! Black nothingness! Silent black nothingness! Lonely silent black nothingness! Pure perfection! It's perfection!

That voice... spoils it all. Saying I'm stupid. Making me feel weak and out of control. That voice hates me. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself. There's nothing perfect about it. I hate that voice too. I hate all the voices. They come and go. Never stay with me. I don;t like them. I push them away. They make me keep going. They make me suffer! They make me live! I hate the voices. I hate them all. I hate me too. She is terrible. She is so crazy, paranoid! The opposite of the perfection. How can she chose the pain. Pain is bad. Pain is ugly. Pain is uncontrollable. Pain is terrifying. It's not perfect. It's not beautiful. Pain should die. Pain should stop existing. Only perfection. Perfection. Pure perfection! PERFECTION!

I hear noise from outside. Voices. Human voices. They talk. They laugh. Happy. I shake, and try to hide. DOn't want to be noticed. Ever. They go away from me. Disappear slowly. Gone. They are gone. They come and go. Human voices. Real voices. What's real? Nothing is real anymore. What's real? What's reality? There is no reality! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO REALITY!

It's gone. All is gone. Black. Noise is coming from the machine. I lose it inside my mind. The light is lost inside my mind. No noice, no light, no mind. No mind. I like it. I like it this way. It's soft. Darkness is soft. I like it touching me. Darkness is so soft. Makes it all perfect. Perfection. Great perfection. I wish it was all gone.

Knocking. Push on the door. Smile. You have to smile. Smiles make it go smooth. No smile, bother. I smile. Walking out. Away from the room. Away from it. They come with me. I cannot lock them out. They come with me. Follow me. WIll never let me go. Never. Let. Me. Go. I close my eyes. And the moment is gone. The moment is gone. All is gone. It's a vision. A perception. It's balck. All black. They stick around. Stuck to my arms. Stuck to my legs. Stuck to every part of my body. I shake. They are stuck. Blakcness. They are still there. There. There. There. Nothingness. Gone. They are gone. I am gone. Until tomorrow. Until they come back. They will never leave. Never. Ever. Only until tomorrow. Until tomorrow.