What's the real definition of friendship?

These days I keep looking around trying to find a real model for friendship. And the unfortunate truth is that here friendship is a lesser form of egotism covered with chocolate cream and M&Ms to make it seem all pretty and great. So you watch Sex and the City, and you are thinking that this must be some sort of friendship, right? Cause by definition, friendship is a relationship between people who care about each other and enjoy being together, do not lie to each other and are in perfect harmony. There is one thing I have heard so many times here: You are the only one who can help you. I hate it. I totally and completely hate it. I hate the fucking hypocrycy of that whole bullshit. Cause all around you see phone numbers of help lines, the smiles of people, counsellors, everyone telling you they will help you. And noone really does. Cause they are way too concern for their own self-benefits to ever care what you do.
Someone reminded me about something from my life a couple of summers ago. I used to work in this camp for children with Autism. And you know... most of them were non-verbal, they had no social skills, or anything like that. So you would never get a thank you, or a smile back. There was no reward for what you do. Even the directors and the other counsellors would rarely say thank you, cause you know you are not doing it for them. I did it for the children. It was the most rewarding experience in my life, because it mattered not what I do and how I did it. It mattered only that the children were safe, and happy, and they received care from the heart. The money was so negligible, and the travel was 4 hours on the subway per day, but I have never felt so good about my job. Fuck the research jobs. You do not get to see the consequences of your research in the face of others. It is all so dry and meaningless.
Or this week, when we went to the play with that girl in the hospital. And she was so happy about it even though the pain was terrible, and I could see it in her eyes. but I have not laughed so hard for weeks. I have not felt so helpful and special for so long. Fuck that whole shitty success driven society. Success is bullshit. It does not matter. All that matter is the beautiful caring person inside. The person who is ready to give up her/his time and money and energy to a deed bigger than anything else. It is the happiness you give to others that makes you happy.
I am not like all these people here. I do not want glory, or success, or to get publish. I do not want to be successful in this society, because its standards are not MY standards of happiness. I am not happy hear, because all that matters to be is put low down, after the self-centered egotism. You know why people here become doctors? Not to help. Oh no, not to help. They become doctors so they can get the money, the title, the prestige, the connections. So that their parents are proud of them, so they can get a good spouse, buy a house and a car, and have a mere existance. They do it so they can smile to people all the time, but the smile has no meaning.
There was one doctor in the hospital. you can see it in her eyes. She was there not because of herself, she was there for the children. you can see it in her actions, in her smile, and in these 5 extra minutes she spends with the kid just so she can make him laugh.
I look around often and see people saved from death, who do not even value it. People who take it all for granted, cause they are used to it. And I hate myself because I have become one of these people I hate so much. I do not want to be one of them. I do not want to be one of these people whose only care is how to get a good grade, how to show how good he/she is in what they do, how to impress their boss, the prof, the other students, the government, or whatever. Everyone does everything here not because they feel it is right, but because this is what the fucking law says, and because this is what has to be done. I hate it. I hate all that fakeness in the world, and people always being nice to you. I do not want to smile anymore when I feel like crying only because you are my boss and i am scared to be fired. i do not want to be extremely nice to everyon eto make good impression. I am so so tired of all that bullshit. This is not my world. It is all so fake and hurtful. I only wish it was different. I don;t want to spend my whole life in this country. I need to go out, where people have real problems. Where their day rotates around finding food, and getting clean water, who cry over their dead children. I want reality. I want to make a difference. my life is worthless, it does not matter if I live or die anymore. It is a mere existance without importance. I just want to be able to do something that matters to someone else. I want to build a school, I want to give out condoms in Africa, I want to distribute food in Asia. I want to make a difference. I hate this world. I hate it so much. It makes me feel inferior because my goal is not to be the nicest person and the person with the highest grades and the one with the most publications and the one with the most prestige and most money and most titles. I do not want that kinda life anymore. It is not for me. I need something real. REAL.

And what does this have to do with friendship? Well, how can you have a real friendship if your entire existance is based on your drive for success?
Let me tell you a story. There is someone I know. probably the most successful person you can imagine. This person has everything we all dream of: great marks, jobs, respect, people who care, hot chicks all overhim, etc. Whatever you wanna name it, he has it all. And everyone thinks he is the best person, cause he is so nice and so helpful and so on all the time. I believed so too. I adored that person for a very long time. until the time when I really needed help. so i went to the person who seemed to be the only one strong enough to deal with me. yes but no. that person with the hugest heart, with the most helpful expression, with the big smile, was just one of these so many people who only help if it is a benefit to them, who would never go out of their way to help someone else. their help is with a purpose. their friendship is there only when they gain something from it. but once the friendship is endangering them, they would throw you away and let you exist on your own, because in their perfect world nothing should be too demanding, or too confrontational. because in their world the only rule that matter is You are the only one who can help YOU.

Revelations like that make me think that friendship is just not possible. Especially here. And I hate it so much here. Sometimes I wish i was not that smart, and that I was really poor, so I could just be real, without having to pretend. Because the more shit you got in your life, the less money you got, the bigger heart you got, the more you understand, the more you share. And I tell you that because I have been there, and I know what it is. And I do not think you do.