I can't do it

I thought I could. I thought I have gone through it enough times to be able to do it once again. But I really cannot. I can't allow hurting myself. I have been sick the whole day, maybe fever, maybe flue, I dunno... And I slept a lot. ALl the time I thought about him. And in my mind I saw him as more tha just the fb I thought he can be. So... I just cannot do it. I need to talk to him and tell him that I need more than just it. No matter how great it is, I really need someone I can trust right now, someone I love and who loves me back. I am not saying he is not able to be that person, just I have not seen it towards me yet. Maybe he is not ready. Maybe I am not ready. Whatever it is, I just do not want to do it. Because at the end I will be the only loser. And I am tired of being the only loser every single time. There are so many people in my life who actually care about me, who want to be with me because of who I am, and what I stand for. And you know what. I cost more than that!
So I will talk to him first thing we get around to it and leave the decision to him. But better do it now then wait 10 more times when I will have fallen for him.
Meh, I am stupid :(

Tearing apart

Well, obviously my morals are down the train. But I still feel like I want to keep some part of them somewhere, so I do not feel like a peice of flesh.
It is not that I feel used or anything. I mean, we know what it is about and don't play mind games. I am old enough for that bullshit already. But the practicality of it really scares me.
What scares me most is that I seem to accept it way too easiliy. In and out. And I don;t even consider it a big deal. Just move on with whatever I need to do. I am such a hypocrite. I gave a lecture to M. few months back about the exact same thing, and now I am the one doing it without any regrets. At least she had feelings. We got no emotions whatsoever. Not to mention that alcohol is always in the way.
So yeah... question is do I keep doing it, or just fuck it and get back to the normal uncorrupted life. I guess I know which way I lean towards. My friends are pretty supportive. maybe if they weren't I would not keep it going. I dunno... I guess I will have to wait for the next few times and see how things are going. Rediculously so, I got what I wanted. Now I am not sure I want it anymore.
Whatever. I need to apologize to M. for what happened and tell her everything and wait for her to freak out on me so I can say no.
At least I am smart enough not to risk my health.

Another one

K, so... uhmmm...
Saturday did not work out. Because of urgent things. And I am not sure what his interntions are right now, so... I found another person :D
He is interesting... very... the first time I have not been able to figure a guy out... that makes me very nervous because it seems so unpredictable. I have no idea what he expects from me. So I went around and ask a bunch of guys, friends and non friends what they think I should do. And I discovered that generally, guys expect to have sex with their gf around 1-3 month for a long term relationship. For short termed, like the 2-3 date. And many are into one night stands. That particular man is into one night stands. Which kinda nerves me out too since I am not into one night stands. So I had to go through the terribility of telling him I am not gonna sleep with him on the first date. I do not like being such a bitch, but rules are rules. We will see how much is he gonna stick to them.
And btw, there is someone else who asked for my phone number, but I prefer to wait and see how things will go with J. before I say yes.
Wow, I like dating ha ha ha :D

A quickie!

Ok, I know I have not been writing here for a very long time, but I have an excuse: midterms, meetings AND addiction!!! :D
RIght now I am super excited about A GUY! Can you believe it wow??? ME, excited about a guy! He is really great though... You know that combination of guys who are serious about school, and work at the same time, but also love to party :D And let me tell you, that guy knows how to party for sure!!! He is just... lets say he is what I am looking for right now :D And, I know I know, but he is really exactly J. It's scary... I dunno, I am just into him, and we know each other for a week now. So that keeps me all hyped up all the time. I dunno... We will see... His friend told me he talks about me all the time, but come on, I am sure that is just bullshit anyways.
And, if it does not work with him, well I do have few more in mind. But let's take it step by step.
Oh yeah, and don;t ask who he is, because he is not from UT ST. George, so no way you know who he is.
Ok, I am insane! I hate when I am like that because I just want to be with him, and rght now is not th egood time for that, but... oh well... I am really into him!

Messed up

In short:
I could not sleep last night.
I feel terrible
SKipped hald class tonight
Coudld not study
I'm getting all worked out cause of sex. I hate when that happens.
And I need to cram tomorrow.
SO I better go get some sex and sleep and wake up tomorrow and study like a good girl.

Also, that guy, well, he is too innocent for me. No matter hwo says what, I just can;t be with nice sweet guys. I need a guy who does not freak out when I mention about sex, but who is into it as much as I am.
Also, addiction comes back.
And now I will have to do what I was afraid to do and tried to escape any possible way in order to be functional tomorrow night.
I hate when my body and my desires start controlling me.

But as D. said, we have to do what we have to do. End of story.

Sleeplessness and nightmares

I am supposed to be sleeping right now, but obviously that is not happening. The bad things is that it has been going on recently. Sometimes I can sleep for 10 hours, but they are nervous sleep, like I know I am dreaming something real intense but can;t change it and can;t remember anything. I know I have nightmares and close-to-life dreams which always keep me feeling tired. Probably because of the insane amount of information my mind has to cope with, and the fact that I always have something going on. But I wish I could have at least these lovely 8 hours in which I can just escape from the whole world. Too bad that has not been happening lately.

Anyways, I discovered staying at home and studying is not as bad as i have considered it to be. mainly because now I just have to study,so no time for procrastination, and weird thoughts in my mind. I like the cuddliness of my blankie and the hot chocolate while the wind outside could blow me off. Feel so homy :D

My scheduler shows that the next two weeks will be pretty busy ( yes, more so tha usually, even that is possible I guess). So me is gonna skip work, study, and try to sleep enough not to get sick. After that I am gonna go clubbing :D I can;t wait. Gosh I am so addicted to clubbing.

yeah, i made the mistake to tell someone about my personal life. I am not sure why I told him. I mean, he is cool, so I don;t think he is gonna go around telling people what I told him, but still... him knowing is a knife with double edges. Not many guys feel comfortable knowing what he does. Well, whatever. There is not much he can do against me. And I do not think he is as some other people. Next time baby, try to think before telling people dark secrets ;)

K, I have an hour to sleep, so lets see what we can do about it ;)
Love you :D

Change is the only Constant

J. told me that at the beginning, the first night we spent together actually. I hated him for saying that, then I loved him for saying that, then I actually started understanding it. Now I appreciate what it means for ME. The last few years have been really stormy, and made me do things I partially regretted, and mess up a lot of relationships which I wanted to go on in a different light. But I think after all that huge mess things have been getting where they are supposed to be. Finally I know what I want, and I know how to deal with pretty much everything in my life. I really changed so much... Res life and especially the past summer were a great opportunity to learn the ropes of my own life. I know that the emotions will keep swinging from one end to the other if something major happens, but I learnt to be patient, understanding, non-judgemental, rational. RATIONAL. This is the key in my life right now. Last night Nick was telling us about hhis life and his amazing ability to rationalize everything so that emotions cannot possibly stir him in an undesirable direction. I wanted him to give me hints, pointers, to teach me how to do that. And then I looked at myself and realized that there is no need for that. I am rational enough. It's so amazing how things in my life have been going the right direction. Everything has gone the way I wanted it to go. Of course, there have been people I had to put aside so they do not disturb me, there have been goals I did not achieve, but the important thing is that I have the confidence, the energy, the strength, the motivation to get where I want to go. Somebody very close to my heart once told me that I am the strongest person he has ever met. Only now I think I can see why he says that :) Thank you :)

There is one thing I regret. It is that there are few people around me who never got the chance to get to know me, to see the real me. They stuck their minds to a certain perception of me, and are still unable to understand that what happened before was weird, strange, crazy. They just cannot accept that I DID CHANGE. It was a painful process, still is, but it is worth it all. I do get flashbacks though... like when I am at clubs... or when I get really angry... or when people attack me and judge me and assume things about me.... or when people give up on me saying I am stubborn. But these flashbacks I can control when I want to. Gary told me he knows I have changed. I am still his little sister and all, and we still have the usual conversations being silly with each other and what not, but it means really a lot to me that he said that. If even he sees it, that means I am doing a great job with myself :D

Ok, will tell you more later :)
I am proud of myself :D

Rainbow on my hand

Life is just good :D I was talkining to A. tonight, and was saying that everything is just going pretty well for me right now. And I am generally happy :D Maybe because I try not to really care, I got no emotions, always talk whatever is on my mind, and have constant contac with people who I do not expect much from. SO yeah :D Life is too good :D

Test today was .. uhmmm... you know I hate to talk about that stuff, so I will not :D

I had a rainbow on my hand. I spendt 2 and a half hours with a kid who had some really heavy liver disease obviously, but he was only 2 and could read, and talked a lot, and was really smart! Amazing! I adored him :D And I felt like the worst person in the world when I had to leave him a lot after my schift was over... In his eyes I saw the disappointment of having found someone you like and then they leave because their life is more important and you have no place... I have felt that so many times... Too bad he has to feel it too, and he is so little. I can deal with all the bullshit, but why does he have to go through it all? Life is not exactly fair :(

Oh btw, I really freak out recently when people I have never heard of send me weird e-mails or add me to their msn. SO if you are one of them, please don;t freak me out. I am over with the time when I was hooking up with a lot of people on the net just for the fun of it. I am out of the business now. Which reminds me that I am sorry to lose a lot of people who helped me so much when I was at the bottom, but we all have moved on and this is what is important in life :) make yourself happy by not hurting others :)

Yeah... well M. tried to get in touch with me... I am not sure what exactly is his idea of me, but obviously the wrong one. He acts exactly the way my parents act, with this inability to understand my lifestyle, and accept it. So he left mew few messages on my phone, kinda expecting me that I could just pick up the phone right away and talk to him. I dn;t mind him, and we have good time together, and things could be even better, but truth is that we just don;t work together. I tried. I really tried to be nice and sweet and to fix things when we got pissed, but just... it will never work out. We have nothing in common whatsoever... and even the fun is not enough to keep us together. I will be nice and so on, just not to blow him off, because then I would feel guilty... but truth is... he is just one of the many. :(

In other news, I have decided that 5 min for make up and efforts to look decent are not that much, so I can afford to try to look ok. It makes me happy and my confidence is better. I do not see what point some pain would have, but I guess I am stupid enough for it to have. Good my model friends are not around to hear :D

Ok, this is really weird I know.... just in case any girl is willing to give input, I would appreciate it... I have been having problems with tampons... I mean... this is the second time is happens... It does not hurt me when... you know... and I am sure i do not have STIs or infections or whatever... so I am a little worried... I mean... I guess I am just too much used to the sexual arousal... ok that is weird, please help me!

And now I have been weird enough, last thing I realized tonight: all of the guys I have been really interested in have been copies of J. this is so scary wow! I mean, I admit he was the first guy I really loved and experienced so many things with, and we had great time and he taught me a lot, especially when it comes to sex, but still... the new guy is like his brother! The only difference is that J. was a nymphoman back then, not sure if his new gf gave up or not, and the new person is not at all as far as I know. I hope it is just, as A. said, my "type of guys". I did get over him almost a year ago now so... I dunno... Whatever. It is not like some string emotion or something. These days all is just flirting, sexual attraction, sexual stuff, having fun. No emotions involved. I hope G. gets laid soon cause his frustration and bitching about him not getting any starts to get on me. And if he does get laid, this means we get back to emotions wow :D Ok, you won;t understand that anyways, so why am I even saying? I should get to the other diary.

K, I am going to sleep.
Love you :D

truth about organizations

Their meetins last for hours and hours, and at the end people don;t even care.
Tonight I was at the UCRC meeting for 3 whole hours. We are improving the length reconrd each time. NOt to mention how much debate we had, and that I was part of it a lot. Around all these guys there should be one open-mouthed girl too right :D FEmale empowerment :D

Otherwise, bunch of stuff today, but I do not feel like typing.
Need to sleep now.
Oh, I miss Gary to death :(

Nighty NIgt
Love you

Too good to be true :D

yep! Life is great again :D And I love it all :D Even the cold! Cause now I finally make myself put some clothes on when I get to bed (not that they are needed in any way) and I snuggles really tight ;)
I've got so much to tell!!!
Friday I had my first SEC shift :D I met few interesting people, and we talked about relationships and of course, sex! Can you imagine me being all quiet and not saying much! Well, truth is I was! because I have learnt not to be very open with people around me if I do not know them. Adrian asked me right away of I am that girl from Biome, and when I said yes, he gave me the biggest hug. That was so nice and sweet. And he is a really nice person. Too bad I cannot really get to know him better cause he is not on my shift. And he actually saved me few times during the shift when people were asking certain questions. Like they asked me if I were in a relationship... Well, what was I supposed to say right! It is a hard question. And I told them I don;t really like to talk about it cause it makes me kinda sad. And Adrian came behind me and gave me another hug. Such a cutie pie! too bad we may not be compatible.... unless he is bisexual as well...
And the weekend was greater :D I went shopping and spent $400 on shoes and clothes and other little things. And no, I did not end up in La Senza this time :D SUper proud of myself! I love that place omg! And I aslo went to Picadillis, where mister S, was an hour late! yeah, man what the hell! You go to a club at 9 pm and you make your quests wait! ts ts! K seriously, some guys are way too easy. Like I don;t wanna be mean, but it is so true. They were way too easy... I don;t like easy guys... There is no challenge, no thrill... I like guys who make my blood boil. Like that hottie wow :D Ok, I shut up now about men ;) And I hate the fact that no matter how much I drink I don;t get even tipsy anymore. I mean, if I am gonna drink, at least to get drunk right? I dunno what the hell happened at that club for that guy to get kicked out. And they freaked out too much. I don;t like babysitting guys and trying to comfort them for the whole way we were going home. Too easy too too easy for me...

Sunday I slept!!! YEY!!! I really slept like all day wow. Except for short periods of studying and uhmm... yeah... ;) I told you I was addicted wow! That three letter word drives me insane and makes me super happy ;)

Monday was the most astonishing day! My parents called me at 11:30 am and told me they were on the way already, as I have instructed them! They were here at exactly noon! As we have been talking! We went to Niagara on the Lake! Which was such an amazing charming little place with the old spirits and the flowers. Too bad it was so cold! And we did not settle down for a restaurant, so we went bakc to Toronto,a dn had nice dinner at Swiss CHalet wow ha ha :D But the whole point is that this was a lovely day. We had such a good time! No arguing, no offences, just jokes and nice talks and all. Oh, and we went on a courousell :D All of us :D Was fun :D I went on twice and felt like a little kid :D I love being a kid :D So yeah, I still have a hard time believing how wonderful, peaceful, family was Thanksgiving, even without the turkey. Maybe things will actually start getting better... Oh and we talked about going to Ottawa for Christmas, but maybe I will go somewhere else for New Years, cause I was not happy with their plan, and what is New Years without getting drunk, stoned and laid right ;) Talking about laid, I really need sex again. gosh I am so addicted it is not even funny anymore :/

Oh, yeah, so today I had fight with someone, good grief whatever. It does not even bother me that much. I am such a cold bitch I love myself wow :D And I had a 2.5 hhours budget meeting for UCRC. And I did promise to go to bed on time and wake up at 8:30 am, after 13 hours sleep last night. So bi bi
Love you :D

Artifacts

Titles are so random lately cause I am random myself. A. loves when I just say something out of the blue and we augh like insane :D

Today was great :D I dunno why, but was great :D Just really the kind of days I would like to have all the time :D Not sure about the reason, but I can think of few. First, well, it was a couple of important people's birthday :D So maybe I have gotten back the ability to feel people's emotions, especially the positive ones. Second, well, ok, I know I am obsessed, but if it makes me happy, then why complain??? It is that great word with 3 letters that makes you feel like you are in heaven ;) You know what I mean :D Third, cause I got sleep :D Lots of it! Even though I keep pushing myself to go to bed at midnight, but as you can see, breaking the promise yet again.

Oh, what I did? Well, I studied wow :D In the JCR. We are not going to mention the little immature accident that happened, but honestly, I am so sorry for that person. But moi was in total control and I love myself :D And hearing some nice things from people I thought I got problems with was very interesting experience too ;) Thanks :D
Also, even my class wasn;t that boring, cause I combined studying with listening, and me is super proud of my productivity :D Lab on the other side should be way more productive.
I did go to the hospital, saw a bunch of kids, one of them screamed big time at me wow. Poor baby :( He has definately been very nervous :( Otherwise, was ok :)
Oh, The Thanksgiving Dinner!!! Adam and a bunch of people from my house cooked, and I had that aweome salad with fruits in it, and cranberry jam and pineapple! We all got stuffed! So Canadian!!! Was so nice, even though the frosh were not around. As always....
And I watched my first 2 hours of TV in few months! Survivor and the Apprentice! Ok, I admit it, I like reality shows wow. better than the Simpsons! Nobody kill me now :D

I remembered what was I going to talk about on the weekend... I found someone who deals with people exactly the same way as I do. Unfortunately, he happens to be one of my good friend's boyfriend... The way she described their relationship though and his reactions was exactly what I do... He puts high demands on her, expects her to be very attached, he is jealous, very loving and caring, understanding, but at the same time still wants to keep the distance and does not want to let her way too close in his life... And when she does something to hurt him, he just closes himself... and then in few weeks he has moved on and forgotten about everything... The only difference between us is that he forgets. I go back in 6 months or so and try to fix things, try to get the friendship at least back. Sometimes it works, other times it does not... It never worked with S. or J.... But it did work with G. I keep thinking if he was not my brother and teacher I would probably be with him now. I really love him... And what is more important, I know he loves me... Probably more than I love him.

So anyways, obviously, I am not the only person who prefers avoidance than dealing with situations. I am trying very hard to change things though.

Adam invited me over on Sunday and Monday, but i have to work... and I am seeing my parents on Monday. They are taking us to Niagara on the lake and then to restaurant or something... Uhmmm, ok, I am terrified by meeting them. But I figured, I am not gonna see them till Christmas, so better try be a nice daughter now.

Note to self: No more sleeping with nothing on, cause I am gonna get something from A. or someone else very soon! OK! it is not worth it if the price is sickness. And I cannot get sick right now for sure!!!

K, time to push myself into sleep :D
Night Night
love you :D

Reassurance

So this is pretty much all I need now. And has been going good so far from various people. Evan said at the training today that he is sure i will be probably the most hard-working person. I got tones of thank you e-mails from various people in the last 3 days. And I get even more verbally. And the best are the hugs and kisses from friends :D They are so totally cute :D

Ok, so my body just cannot function on less than 8 hours. I did wake up around 11 tonight... Another morning lost. Need to kick myself out of bed on a regular basis nowadays. Shhhh!!! Shut up! I need my beauty sleep :D

Work was very interesting today. First because obviously Carolyn has made a point to improve our communication by seeing me every Tuesday after I get in the office. And second because of the amazing flashback I got from one of the interviews....

She described exactly what I have been feeling... The feeling that strangers understand her better than her friends, the isolation from people because they could not handle the situation, the superficious friends who were always so happy when she had to deal with the schizophrenic son, the cries of her sister and daughter to forget and be left alone from it, the social disfunctioning, the older people who could be there for her more than anyone else... the self-blame and settling for what she could handle. She just could take only some. And seemed like n matter how much she tried to change things, it never worked, because they would never understand what was in her soul. And they all knew about him!
... I was smiling and laughing, and nodding all the time. This woman was ME!!! All I am feeling... Then I realized, it probably happens to any family member in such situation. It is not ME that causes it to be this way, it is the internalization of the experience... It hurts to see others feeling what I feel. I wish I could talk to her and tell her she is not alone... I guess no matter how emotional this is for me, it is good at the end, because it gives me the chance to virtually interact with other people so I can see that I am not alone, that I am not weak or cruel, it just happens that way because the human mind is unable to comprehend what is going on in our minds. It's scary that I am part of that community without face though... Now I am pretty sure I will really be a volunteer for family rights some day soon.

There must be something wrong with the weather, cause i got my eyes on 2 guys today, and I talked to both of them just briefly. ts ts... i will not count that as cheating though :D shut up! the 6 months are over so I am allowed to do that :D

Also! I talked to her for 15 min today! And they will come pick me up Monday after I wake up. I am so damn scared! At least it is not inside, because I would freak out then. I think I am terrified of being in theor home, because I feel so locked there. But going in the car to a nice place would be much easier :D Take it one step at a time :D

Pub was not as negative as I thought it may be. Actually pretty nice :) And I liked H. 's friends, espcially one particular shhhh shut up!!! :D Doesn't matter :D
Ok, I still got to send at least like 5 e-mails because of all the committee I am involved in . Oh btw I am seriously working on pronouncing this word the right way :D

K, Nighty Night
Love you :D

Serendepity

According to most of my neighbours, I got the best roomy room in the house, and it is very cosy and what not. I love my room too :D But then, as I told them, this is my only home, and all I do is move from one res room to another. So I should at least try to make it feel like home. :) people say that home is where you feel like at home. In the last year I have changed like 4 places. The beginning wasn;t exactly homy, but now this is my home and I love it :D I think I will be sticking around for some more time too.

Everything is going really smooth. No problems of even slight importance, which makes me really happy and relaxed nowadays. Still not sure what I am doing for Thanksgiving though... Well, I work Sunday night, and I got invited to a party on Saturday night, so going there. A. is leaving town for the weekend and will not be home till Monday, and the house will be pretty empty as well. I thought to call them and go visit maybe Monday, but they did not say anything, and I really feel weird seeing them. I know I have to try again, but honestly, after the last time and all the bullshit, I am don;t feel like dealing with the again. Maybe Christmas... Which reminds me I will have to tell Nona I cannot leave res for the holidays and will need to stay here... Probably will either go somewhere out of town or visit friends/family. I saw that ad for New Years in Montreal for only 100 bucks, so that would be tones of fun :D Anyways, there is still time to think about that.

Seriously, if I get more e-mails I am gonna completely shoot someone. last night alone I wrote about 20, and during the day got like uhmmm over 10 for sure. At least it is not phone calls wow :D

The idea about reveiling the truth keeps bugging me. I mean, it will be with only a couple of people, but still... this is a major test for them, and I really don;t want to confuse them. At the same time, I know that if I want our friendship to be really real, I will need to tell them eventually anyways. They keep asking... Sometimes I say things... like I told A. certain minor things, and C. is really curious, and she keeps asking me. I hate when people pity me.

What else? Uhmm... I am super happy these days :D Mainly cause of Nate and Gary :D I always think about them and they make me smile :D

Oh... Don;t ask me why, but I have been thinking about death... You know how people sometimes scream when they hear that word. I told A. that if I die tomorrow I will not regret dying. It is true. But not as for G. in the negative way. For me being able to say that is a strength, love, pride, confidence, belief... I am happy with the way things work out now. And you know what I wanted always in my life? To make one person smile, to make one person's life better. I have. I see it in Nate's eyes when I open the door and he calls my name and run towards me and has the biggest smile on his face. And when we are out playing on the swings or the slide, and all the amazing things he does and the laughter... This is my happiness. This is all I ever wanted. And I got it :D I really will not regret dying :D he is probably the only person who can make me cry... *tear* Love you baby!

Ok, I know there was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot and sleep is not bad idea right now :D

Nighty Night
My heart yours

Cat's Eye

Is the name of the stone on my necklace. I am sure you all have seen it because I am extremely proud of it and I also believe it keeps me from negative energies. So I finnaly found earings and bracellet that are also with this particular stone, and I adore them all! They are so pretty. I also found the symbolics around the cat's eye, and it has the wonderful things like confidence, self-assertiveness and I forgot what else. But as A. said, it all was exactly a description of who I am :D I am proud of myself too :D

The weekend was great as always :D I loved it! Oh, we watched First Daughter on Friday, and it was way way way tooo sweeet! I don't cry at movies, so no problems for me there, but a lot of people around us did wow. Not sure if A. cried.
Sex training was great as always, especially today when we got the LGBTQ people to talk about personall experiences. I have not been so close and face-to-face with a transsecual person before, so was a great experience. So now I am all set to go for a SEC counsellor :D And I get the party shift: Friday 6-9 pm with two more very nice and talkative people, so should be fun :D We may organize our own games or events, or movies or whatnot cause it may be kinda slow :D

The SEC training on coming out was a very interesting impact on me... It is weird, but I am much more comfortable coming out sexually, than talking about the other stuff. BUt the way they described their experiences with the shame and guilt and people calling them names really reminded me of the feelings I experience. They may not be about LGBTQ issues, but very much similar. And it makes me very angry that many people around me, from the old surrounding are very conservative and even hurtful when it comes to sexual coming out. Even more so when it comes to other types... I keep convincing myself that I definately need to fuck off all old close minded people in my life and just move on.

And on the coming out issues, I have been thinking to share with A and C, because they are very nice and supportive, and I know they will understand and will not judge me, and will not leave me after I tell them. One day I will be an advocate for family members support services in CAMH. But I first really need to come out to myself first, and be honest. I know I have been doing that since it happened, but I am still uncomfortable with my friends... One reason because of many wrong people in my life who I know will not take it very well, would blame me, or even worse, will say nothing. Sometimes I cannot believe what kind of people I have been liking in the past. Time to change that.

Otherwise, I still feel tired, but at least the long weekend with no training is coming so I will have the time to catch up with stuff. And go out inbetween, because this weekend I just prefered to relax at home and watch some teary movies :D

Ok, I actually need to go to work, so I will talk to you some other time.

Love you :)
Nighty Night!

A BABY!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Today was a great day :D cause I did a littl ebit of everything. So me be happy tonight :D
K, so I read that stupid commonsensical chapter of my text, and was weird, cause I could totally relate to it all. Was on health psych so yeah... I hate when my subjects relate to my personal experiences. Sometimes it reminds me too much of the past... But school is school and we gotta do what we gotta do.
Don;t get me wrong, I LOVE icecream , well the fruity one, but having 2 a day is not the best thing ever... But considering there is no other food at the Union for me, icecream be it. I really wanna see what power do I have as a Res Food Director to change things at the Union. I am already gathering ideas for other events though :D Who could have though that I will be dealing with res food!
Oh, and today was a great sunny day, so I had an hour for myself in front of UC licking my ice cream. I felt like I was 2 :D
yes yes, I did go to the lab today! And I did do work, so don't blame me I am being lazy and irresponsible.
And the best things ever!!!!! THE BABY!!!! So I went to Sick Kids, and on the way was thinking how I will be bored and what not. And it did seem this way. I met my new partner, and she seems really nice :) Then I spend 1.5 hours with a baby on my chest! he was so amazngly cute :D But he was starving and his mom was not there, so he was lonely. He was 6 months old, and his name was Dercio I think... wow. So calm and sweet. He tried to cry a few times but I calmed him down :D I am so happy of myself :D And he fell asleep over me for like 30 min. This was such an amazing experience! I really really really want to be a mother! Well, maybe in a few years :)
Steering meeting was okie :D I kinda felt bad to cut people, but I was too tired to care anyways, and there was someone there who could take the initiative for both of us. Thanks mate, I owe you :D

Guess what? I did take one of the ideas from these cruel nasty senseless people. talked to S. and D. tonight, cause I don;t wanna have any negative experiences with anyone. I saw someone today *shiver*gross!!!! And in the good spirit of happiness, I even thought to talk to him, but oh gosh good S. convinced me it is all invain. You cannot reason with stubborn people, yours trully is a prime example wow. Meh, life has battles. Some we lose. Most we win :D :D :D

I also made crystals with Aangie and the other people in MC. And watch the IS president debate. Wow such silliness. I need to visit OBE and see what they think about the president campaign :D That would be so much fun listening to Americans feeling ashamed and guilty cause of their own president ha ha ha :D I love joking around with them :D Sorry G&J&D*co, couldn;t resist guys :D I still love you though :D Americans or not ;)

And, I have been getting insane number of e-mail sbecause of all the committees I am on. That's hectic man :D

Ok, time to sleep ,cause gotta wake up at 7 am for Carnival day set up. Reminds me of Frosh week :D And then gotta go to the lab, and then work, and then meeting, and then pub, and shopping and MOVIEEEEEEE :D

Love you :D
Nighty night