Rainbow on my hand

Life is just good :D I was talkining to A. tonight, and was saying that everything is just going pretty well for me right now. And I am generally happy :D Maybe because I try not to really care, I got no emotions, always talk whatever is on my mind, and have constant contac with people who I do not expect much from. SO yeah :D Life is too good :D

Test today was .. uhmmm... you know I hate to talk about that stuff, so I will not :D

I had a rainbow on my hand. I spendt 2 and a half hours with a kid who had some really heavy liver disease obviously, but he was only 2 and could read, and talked a lot, and was really smart! Amazing! I adored him :D And I felt like the worst person in the world when I had to leave him a lot after my schift was over... In his eyes I saw the disappointment of having found someone you like and then they leave because their life is more important and you have no place... I have felt that so many times... Too bad he has to feel it too, and he is so little. I can deal with all the bullshit, but why does he have to go through it all? Life is not exactly fair :(

Oh btw, I really freak out recently when people I have never heard of send me weird e-mails or add me to their msn. SO if you are one of them, please don;t freak me out. I am over with the time when I was hooking up with a lot of people on the net just for the fun of it. I am out of the business now. Which reminds me that I am sorry to lose a lot of people who helped me so much when I was at the bottom, but we all have moved on and this is what is important in life :) make yourself happy by not hurting others :)

Yeah... well M. tried to get in touch with me... I am not sure what exactly is his idea of me, but obviously the wrong one. He acts exactly the way my parents act, with this inability to understand my lifestyle, and accept it. So he left mew few messages on my phone, kinda expecting me that I could just pick up the phone right away and talk to him. I dn;t mind him, and we have good time together, and things could be even better, but truth is that we just don;t work together. I tried. I really tried to be nice and sweet and to fix things when we got pissed, but just... it will never work out. We have nothing in common whatsoever... and even the fun is not enough to keep us together. I will be nice and so on, just not to blow him off, because then I would feel guilty... but truth is... he is just one of the many. :(

In other news, I have decided that 5 min for make up and efforts to look decent are not that much, so I can afford to try to look ok. It makes me happy and my confidence is better. I do not see what point some pain would have, but I guess I am stupid enough for it to have. Good my model friends are not around to hear :D

Ok, this is really weird I know.... just in case any girl is willing to give input, I would appreciate it... I have been having problems with tampons... I mean... this is the second time is happens... It does not hurt me when... you know... and I am sure i do not have STIs or infections or whatever... so I am a little worried... I mean... I guess I am just too much used to the sexual arousal... ok that is weird, please help me!

And now I have been weird enough, last thing I realized tonight: all of the guys I have been really interested in have been copies of J. this is so scary wow! I mean, I admit he was the first guy I really loved and experienced so many things with, and we had great time and he taught me a lot, especially when it comes to sex, but still... the new guy is like his brother! The only difference is that J. was a nymphoman back then, not sure if his new gf gave up or not, and the new person is not at all as far as I know. I hope it is just, as A. said, my "type of guys". I did get over him almost a year ago now so... I dunno... Whatever. It is not like some string emotion or something. These days all is just flirting, sexual attraction, sexual stuff, having fun. No emotions involved. I hope G. gets laid soon cause his frustration and bitching about him not getting any starts to get on me. And if he does get laid, this means we get back to emotions wow :D Ok, you won;t understand that anyways, so why am I even saying? I should get to the other diary.

K, I am going to sleep.
Love you :D