Illness

It's that time of the year when exhaustion and cold combine to make half of Toronto sick at the exact same time. Besides me, most people I meet complain about headaches. So have reasons, like partying an dgetting drunk to the fullest for 4 consequtive days. Others are too exhausted. Me? I am not sure yet. Just so sleepy. So since tonight I have for myself, after all that stuff planned, I am gonna take a super hot shower and go to bed and sleep so much that all viruses will crawl out of here! But the real reason to post here is that I actually think when I am sick I am better, because low levels of energy make me not care, be very relaxed, not emotional. I guess I may have ADHD according to the Canadian standards. But you know what, screw Canadian standards! I am from Europe! We do not categorize people there! We do not judge them if they don;t comply, we do not diagnose them just cause they have more energy than usual and have a more positive look on life.
Because where I am from, PASSION IS WHAT DRIVES OUR LIVES!
But here in Canada, PASSION IS OVERRATED ANYWAYS!

Confession

Well, I guess it is time to tell the people who read that some stuff about my life, so you people do not make assumptions about me.

First, I know there have been rumours that I desparately like a member of the Biome community. I do like and respect that person, but I need to notify you that I am not interested in him for anything else than frendship.

Second, I am not currently dating anyone, I am completely single and I enjoy my freedom by going out with a lot of new and old people.

Third, I know many of you make assumptions, and feel uncomfortable from my posts on Biome, which are more often than not very sexually charged, or emotionally charged. I want to say that I am joking 95% of the time. I am not so sexual in real life, and can control myself way better.

Fourth, I have been extremely busy and this is the reason why I have been ignoring many people. Also, I realized that I do not enjoy being with amny Biome people as much as I used to, so I shifted my energy towards more constructive things in my college.

Fifth, a lot of bad things have been happening to me in the last couple of years, and unfortunately that has changed me a lot, mainly making me very selfish, very cruel, very pushy, very arrogant, very self-confident, and so on. I am not saying that is why I am this way, but when you have events like the once I had, you do get weird.

Sixth, I love my friends very much. I know I have not shown it enough to them, but this is only because I do not trust people very easily and I prefer to stay away than hurt them. The ones of you who are close to me know what it means to have the whole power if my temperament get over you. I am sorry. I really love you and I really care about you and I miss you. I promise to try to make it up to you.

I will add more when I think about it.

Another One Added to the List

It is not so much about him, but about myself. Going through the exact same thing again IS in fact more painful than I thought. The good thing this time is that I was stronger and stopped it just on time before it causes me a complete attack. After while we just learn how to deal with certain things. I still feel very drained. And it brought back all the past experiences, the insecurities... I guess I just need a break. From myself. Just to escape from the pain and doubt. I am tired. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I am heartbroken. Not by him. He played by the rules we set. But by me. And I just think it is about time to finally stop that struggles and start loving myself, and most importantly RESPECTING myself. Because if I do not know my price, and if I do not respect myself, and if I do not care about myself, there is noone else that would.
It was a istake from the beginning to start seeing someone just for the fun of it. Maybe i need to put into my mind that the time when it did not matter who I was fooling around with is gone and I need to get myself a stable relationship.
And I should have listened to my sixth sense. I knew right before our first date that there is no way for us to be compatible. But I preferred to give it a try, to keep the hopes up, to satisfy my sexual desires and not my emotional ones. I do not regret being with him... I mean, it is all experience... I regret being weak and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
The sad thing though is that lesson is not learnt. And it should be. I have done that way too many times to allow myself to keep going and repeating the cycle over and over again. It all adds up to that learnt helplessness. Who would ever think that I of all people have it? I really do not want to think about it again. I really just want to move on and never dig inside my subconscious experiences and cognitive frameworks. I just need a break from myself. Memory loss does help... but how do you forget something that is inside you, have become a part of you, make you pain all the time? I do not know. I wish I had an answer to my own questions. Nobody has the answers...

I am thinking... I am really sad... Such sadness has not been inside me for a very long time... And people see it... They worry, ask questions... And I really do not want to talk... Right now I need to be by myself, sleep a lot, and heal my soul from the bitterness. No, it is not him.... It is ME! I guess this is one of the cases when people cry... I do not know how to cry... Tears help relieve the tension. I have no tears... So it stays inside and pains.
Maybe now is a good time to go back to my friends, change the athmosphere around me, find new excitement... Like last time... But this time, nothing really matters... I am done. With my heart. With my soul. With my passion. I am done. I gave up. Tonight I gave up.

*tear*

Booty Call

Let me give you an advice on the matter: don;t try them! they are not worth it. If you are so desparate for sex, better go to some club or a downplayed pub and get a one night stand. Cause no matter who says what, booty calls do lead to attachment. You cannot be seeing someone 3-4 times a week and have fun with them and not get attached. It just does not work that way. Cause eventually you would start asking personal questions. And when it gets personal, then you are in trouble.

I just cannot do it. I tried, I lied to myself, I tried to compromise. But it just does not work. Maybe Em is right saying that it is cause of my age and his age. At 21 you are looking for a long term relationship. But at 23, unless you are already in a long term relationship, you start going just for the fun., cause you have realized that dating is just a waste of time.

It's fucked. I am weak for keep going and allowing him to even touch me. I mean, I don;t get anythhing from it. He complains I am bitchy/cold/conservative. Well duh, sure I am since he is not willing to do anything different or wild. Misionary position does not cut it for me thank you very much. It may work great for him, but why the fuck I have to teach him what to do with me! Like foreplay helloooo!!! Haven't he heard about that. I am into it still just cause he is smart ambitious fun and I love arguing about everything. But, I can do that with a friend too. So instead of me going over it all the time and pissing both of us off, I just should kick him out. I mean, what's the point? I better stop wasting my time and start flirting again. Commitment? What commitment is he talking about? if he is just for sex, he is not good enough for me, so I better cheat. Now I finally understand why people cheat: 1) cause sex is not good enough for them; 2) cause they want emotional involvement and there is none; 3) cause they want to feel special and appreciated and don;t get it; 4) cause the other person is a fucking aggressive violent maniac who scares them to death and they are afraid next time he is gonna hit them and cause them actual physical harm. And guess what? I've got ALL 4 of these. I am so weak and stupid for letting him stay around.
I really wish I could stop being a nympho and just tell him to fuck off and never see him again!!!
FUCK YOU!

N.y.M.p.H.o.

It's been 3 nights and I am getting cravings hard core. When the hell is he coming back! And they say guys were the once to need it more. yeah, right! The moment he gets in TO, I am pulling him here or going over! I am telling you, I knew I was bad, but I didn't remember I was that bad.

Last night was AMAZING! I loved it totally. The music was exactly what I love, the people were nice and sweet, the guys were fucking HOT, even though I could not touched them. I love everything being so free and nonjudgmental! We had drinks to stir us up. She was real hot too wow! And the queens! Omg, they stole my little heart! So great!
I really want to take J. clubbing with me some night. He has no idea what I can do to him ;) And come on, I don;t dress up like that and get all excited every night ;) And I am sure a lot of guys will be jealous ;) Too bad he is kinda shaky when it comes to clubbing. Oh well, if I use my techniques, which not always work on him, maybe I will convince him for a hot wild night out ;) Esp if I promise him a few rounds when we get back home :D

I love clubbing!And I think my new passion are homoclubs :D GOtta love it all!
Definitely going next time too :D

I have fallen

Yep. I admit it. I have fallen from the sky to the earth. And I want to be fallen as much as I hate it.

I feel trapped. I know I should not given the circumstances, but all these deals, the guilt, the morals... I really feel trapped. Obligations... I run from obligations all the time. And at the same time I do like it in a way... But, I got asked to the movies tonight, and had to say no, because I was not sure what was he going to say. And I would not be able to hide it from him anyways.

I miss him. I really do. I know it is early for anything. I have no idea if i miss HIM or i just miss being intimate with someone. For now, I would say the later is more true than the former. But I still miss him. So much I even sent him 2 messages today. Why the hell do I care that much? We all know in a month I will not even remember who he is.

I so wish this time it will be different.
Unfortunately, I know myself.... and it will not be any different.
*sigh*
*tear*

A Note to Someone

I wrote something for someone as an advice tonight, but then decided that it is worth it to post it here, so I have my own advices to myself to return to.

**********************************************************
Hey.
Wanted to tell you some stuff. Not particularly about your life since I do not know about that, but in general what you said. I actually feel very much the same way, so sharing it may be a good experience for both of us. It may be kinda long though.

So... I believe that we all need someone to confine to. Someone very special, who we all know will not give out our secrets. And I believe a blog may be a good idea. Here is a suggestion: make another blog which you do not show to ANYONE. Use it for your heart, your soul, your tears, your pain. Make it your expressed self. Make it the priest you need. I have one too. I rarely write in it, but it does make a difference. I go back sometimes, and look at all the pain from the past, and I tell myself, Hell, am I strong! It is a good confidence booster as well.

At the same time I am sure there are still people you can confine in. But I recommend them being people who you do not see very often, who know nothing about your present life. Maybe somebody from back home? I have a very close friend from Bulgaria, and we share everything, even the smallest details about our lives. I also have a friend from high school. She knows very little about my current life or my family or my school, except what I tell her of course. She is the person who I go to when I need a hug and I need someone to share with for a night. She is a great sex counsellor too. I also have a friend in Florida who is like my big brother and who has always been my biggest critic, but who I trust with myself. All three of them love me very much and we know that no matter what happens, we always will love each other, because relationships like ours do not happen often. I know that sounds hard, to find people like that who love you unconditionally, but it is possible. Takes time and effort, and a lot of trust and especially acceptance, but at the end it pays.

I also have very close friends who are part of my life. I see them every day almost, I can always contact them and so on. But with them... I do not trust them completely, I often try to be careful what I say and how I behave. Just because they are in my immediate surroundings, and I am afraid that I will lose them if they know all my dirty underwear (and gosh I have a lot of it!). They are wonderful to spend time with though :)

I have come to the conclusion that the people I trust most should be people I keep separate from the rest of my life. At least until I trust them to the extend I can trust them with myself. And of course, when I really need them in my life all the time. I know that is weird too, but... I actually prefer my partner to be someone I can easily hide from others. Someone who would not cross paths with any of my other friends, co-workers, relatives, etc. Someone I can go to without feeling insecure and scared that someone has told him something about me and changed his opinion on me. I have been hurt and betrayed from others way too many times to allow someone so special to be exposed to the rumours. He does not need to know other people's opinion on me, especially the reputation I have in certain circles. I want him to accept ME, trust ME and care about ME. COmpletely independently of my past or present. I actually think I did find a person like that. It is very hard though, because he knows my insecurities and my fear of the past repeating. I feel weak when I am with him. Weak and so vulnerable. It is the hardest thing for me... trusting someone... Sometimes I think I will never be able to trust a man enough to make him my partner. I am too afraid that my past will come out on the surface...

So just try to find something or someone who will be very caring, and yet without any abilities to mess up your life. Even if it is a typing thingie online. You are extremely passionate person, you need to vent. It is great to let it go, but you need to know how to do it so it does not hurt you. As to the person you talk about, blame them! This is your life. It is YOUR decision what you do, what you think, how you react, what you say. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you cannot do/say what is in your heart. Nobody has the right the judge you. YOU are what is important. It may be cruel, but the truth is that it is only YOU who matters. Be selfish if you have to! If you lose yourself because of what others think, then your life is not worth it. It would not be you anymore. You will be DEAD.
Hope your heart leads you to your happiness.
Peace and light in the darkness.
*hugs*
Nina

**********************************************************************************

One thing I need to remember:

***IF I LOSE MYSELF, I WILL BE DEAD!***

Some real news

SO I decided to put some constructive info on my life instead of going in circles typing stuff you would not understand fully anyways.
I am done with the round of midterms. Very exhausting I have to admit. It is just that they were clustered together, which made me have to study non-stop in the last 5 weeks under constant pressure. Also, obviously cramming actually IS my way of studying. I very much try to change that but oh well. And yes, I admit it, I have lost my passion, motivation, and desire for school. I like some of the things, and I hate others. Unfortunately, my jobs tend to be way better than my school.
So I took this weekend off. Watched The Incredible withs A. on Friday, which was very nice and sweet and I really liked it :D And I was able to sleep a lot that night, all by myself too!
Saturday... well... I felt really crappy because of all that thinking and what happened Thursday night. But I forced myself to try be more organized, went shopping for presents with my friends to the Eaton Centre. Spent there the whole afternoon, made a bunch of phone calls, had dinner in the Pickle Barrel with them. So was nice. Too bad I was too stressed and very sad to actually enjoy it. I guess the lack of sleep has been getting into me...
I did not get to see O. but I will on Tuesday :D But I did see A. We went to that nice restaurant on Younge and Bloor, The Saigon Sister, which turned out to be better than Spring Rolls. Then we went to the club disctrict and after rollling around, got to Montana for free. I guess that is where old people go, but we did not feel like dancing much, so just had few drinks. note to self: My new favourite alcoholic cocktail is Sex on the Beach. Both for the taste and for the name. I got only slightly tipsy. regardless of my attempts to get moderately drunk, I cannot do it. Maybe it is genes, maybe again my lovely self-inhibition. We actually left pretty early, cause we were getting kinda tipsy and bored. So I ended up walking on Spadina. I actually do remember that walk.
And... I spent Satuday night at Vic's. The walk at 4 am was pretty worth it, because things kinda worked out. It is true that communication is the most important thing. I decided to give it a try and let things slide by themselves. I have no idea where is it gonna go because of our past experience and interpretations of interpersonal relationships of any sort, but... as always, I am weak and easy and will give it another chance.
After walking back home at 8 am, I spent the whole Sunday morning and early afternoon SLEEPING! gosh, that felt so good, almost as good as the night itself. I did try to be all organized and what not, but I am just so... unmotivated. I cold barely read one of my articles, and did nothing but watch shows and try to sleep, which did not work. So now I am at the office and have more than 7 more hours to go. I may or may not do any productive work. I should start with the work though, because I desparately need to catch up, and exams are in a month!!!

Btw, i do NOT have a boyfriend. It is very socially constructed how people make assumptions on little things and statements.

Ok, well hope that sheds some light one my life :D
Too much emotions are detrimental for my sanity, but I cannot go without them either.
Love you :)

Insecure patterns of Attachment

So we were talking about relationships, and I just had to go back. It's been awhile since I have thought about my past, and I really do not feel like going back... But I guess I have to understand what happened in order to continue in a different way. He is right, I am insecure and doubtful about people. Well what else can I expect? All the abuse that has been going on in the past comes in my mind and prevents me from just relaxing. I wish I could show him that it is not him, but how do you should someone who is like you what is wrong? I always end up with the exact same type of people, people who do not believe in themselves, and hardly ever believe in others. I have said it before too, but I know it is true. J. and J. are the exact copies of each other. I know this is detrimental and causes me only confusions, but I cannot help it. I miss him, I wanna be with him. Therefore, I make the wrong choices all the time.
A. is worried about me, and I know I am testing her patience. I do not want to hurt her, and I do not want to loose her. She says I am always upset, depressed, confused, after I am with him. Maybe she is right. I hope last night was important for some sort of change.
Next time though i definitaly want to watch a movie and do something more non-physical. Just to see how we interact when hormones are not the leader.

Ok, I just needed to kinda blabber and share. I am better today than I was yesterday though.
I am way too easy and I give way too many chances to people :( I wish I was really a selfish bitch. It would be so much easier to say NO and walk away.

P.S. J. thinks I have slept with 11 guys and lost my virginity when I was 13. I do not know if I should be laughing or crying at that.

Life is a circle

Creating misconceptions of our world is the only way to escape the reality. It only works when your reality is only yours and includes only you as a movable particle accelerating at a rate only you determine.
Until the other reality uncovers moved by the energy of the million particles who are not you. The perception disappears, because the only reality you are able to control is non-existant.

At the end, there is no reality. It is all perception dictated by the socially constructed mindfulness of the individual.

You have no life. you have no independance. It is only OUR life.

I am so stupid!

this was such a terrible misunderstanding!
I was so pissed off, and then I talked to J. and he is like, wtf I was in the library the whole afternoon studying for my test! I felt so stupid! I can't believe I got so worked up over such a stupid thing, and after he promised me he would tell me. SO I apologized millions of times, and I really have to make it up to him. not that i mind making it up ;) I hope he did not get all freaked out of me ha ha ha :D
And yeah, I cannot figure out if he is jealous of the guy I am going out with tomorrow night, or he is just like that. He made me promise I would not have "too much fun". Why is he so stupid? It is obvious that I am all over him wow! I am so transparant!

This week is going to be crazy! I am going out with S. on Thursday, then movienight with A. on Friday as usual, and then Saturday is with Nate, then O. and then A. It's gonna be crazy. I do miss him though :( And I really want to see him, even if it is at 4 am on Saturday!
Oh well, busy busy :(
I am so so so falling down :(

I can put up with everything BUT A LIE!!!

I was in the JCR with a couple of people 2 hours ago. I saw him, or I think it was him, at the end of the room. He was with some girl. Looked at me a few times, but since we decided not to know each other in public, i tried to avoid his look, and he did the same. SO so far so good. I did not care. Would ask who she is of course, just cause I am always curious like that.
But, then they went on one of the couches, and he was lying down, trying to sleep or whatever. And that girl was leaning over him.
I know he has a test tonight, so I am not gonna try to contact him unless he comes on. But I definately will find out if that was him. And if he does not have a good explanation, I am gonna kick him out. I was looking for a reason, and what better reason than that.
And, I know you may think I son;t have the right to ask for anything, but we made a deal that we will tell each other about other people. If that was him, he did not keep the deal. So that would be a game over.
I hate lies.

Yep

So instread of being productive, I am just rambling around proctrastinating. How surprising.
I did talk to him tonight. OMG he is so mean so col so brutal and this is exactly what I like about him. Trying to get him to get somewhat more excited would be a challeneg. And I love challenges. The good thing is, since we are not in a relationship, I can just freely date anyone else. And I do have another date ha ha , or kinda whatever. When I told him, he was like, do whatever you want as long as you don;t get me any diseases! And of course I did get the lecture of oral herpes. Fun. He is right for himself, but I don't think he has to tell me what to do and what not to do with my own sexual life. Yes yes, I know I do owe him protection. But whatever. The other guy is a friend of mine actually. he is so nice. Seems much more relaxed and more uhmmm knowledgable about the thinks I have to teach J. Anyways. I dunno honestly...
Going with the flow let it be. But that means no barriers, nothing to stop me. And my flow is fast and wild!
I wish G. was here to bump my head in the wall multiple times until I start bleeding.
Ok, enough. Life is life. I do what I do, and there is no point for regret. I do not care about myself, remember?
Good thing are these flavoured condoms yo! :D