Another One Added to the List

It is not so much about him, but about myself. Going through the exact same thing again IS in fact more painful than I thought. The good thing this time is that I was stronger and stopped it just on time before it causes me a complete attack. After while we just learn how to deal with certain things. I still feel very drained. And it brought back all the past experiences, the insecurities... I guess I just need a break. From myself. Just to escape from the pain and doubt. I am tired. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I am heartbroken. Not by him. He played by the rules we set. But by me. And I just think it is about time to finally stop that struggles and start loving myself, and most importantly RESPECTING myself. Because if I do not know my price, and if I do not respect myself, and if I do not care about myself, there is noone else that would.
It was a istake from the beginning to start seeing someone just for the fun of it. Maybe i need to put into my mind that the time when it did not matter who I was fooling around with is gone and I need to get myself a stable relationship.
And I should have listened to my sixth sense. I knew right before our first date that there is no way for us to be compatible. But I preferred to give it a try, to keep the hopes up, to satisfy my sexual desires and not my emotional ones. I do not regret being with him... I mean, it is all experience... I regret being weak and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
The sad thing though is that lesson is not learnt. And it should be. I have done that way too many times to allow myself to keep going and repeating the cycle over and over again. It all adds up to that learnt helplessness. Who would ever think that I of all people have it? I really do not want to think about it again. I really just want to move on and never dig inside my subconscious experiences and cognitive frameworks. I just need a break from myself. Memory loss does help... but how do you forget something that is inside you, have become a part of you, make you pain all the time? I do not know. I wish I had an answer to my own questions. Nobody has the answers...

I am thinking... I am really sad... Such sadness has not been inside me for a very long time... And people see it... They worry, ask questions... And I really do not want to talk... Right now I need to be by myself, sleep a lot, and heal my soul from the bitterness. No, it is not him.... It is ME! I guess this is one of the cases when people cry... I do not know how to cry... Tears help relieve the tension. I have no tears... So it stays inside and pains.
Maybe now is a good time to go back to my friends, change the athmosphere around me, find new excitement... Like last time... But this time, nothing really matters... I am done. With my heart. With my soul. With my passion. I am done. I gave up. Tonight I gave up.

*tear*