A Note to Someone

I wrote something for someone as an advice tonight, but then decided that it is worth it to post it here, so I have my own advices to myself to return to.

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Hey.
Wanted to tell you some stuff. Not particularly about your life since I do not know about that, but in general what you said. I actually feel very much the same way, so sharing it may be a good experience for both of us. It may be kinda long though.

So... I believe that we all need someone to confine to. Someone very special, who we all know will not give out our secrets. And I believe a blog may be a good idea. Here is a suggestion: make another blog which you do not show to ANYONE. Use it for your heart, your soul, your tears, your pain. Make it your expressed self. Make it the priest you need. I have one too. I rarely write in it, but it does make a difference. I go back sometimes, and look at all the pain from the past, and I tell myself, Hell, am I strong! It is a good confidence booster as well.

At the same time I am sure there are still people you can confine in. But I recommend them being people who you do not see very often, who know nothing about your present life. Maybe somebody from back home? I have a very close friend from Bulgaria, and we share everything, even the smallest details about our lives. I also have a friend from high school. She knows very little about my current life or my family or my school, except what I tell her of course. She is the person who I go to when I need a hug and I need someone to share with for a night. She is a great sex counsellor too. I also have a friend in Florida who is like my big brother and who has always been my biggest critic, but who I trust with myself. All three of them love me very much and we know that no matter what happens, we always will love each other, because relationships like ours do not happen often. I know that sounds hard, to find people like that who love you unconditionally, but it is possible. Takes time and effort, and a lot of trust and especially acceptance, but at the end it pays.

I also have very close friends who are part of my life. I see them every day almost, I can always contact them and so on. But with them... I do not trust them completely, I often try to be careful what I say and how I behave. Just because they are in my immediate surroundings, and I am afraid that I will lose them if they know all my dirty underwear (and gosh I have a lot of it!). They are wonderful to spend time with though :)

I have come to the conclusion that the people I trust most should be people I keep separate from the rest of my life. At least until I trust them to the extend I can trust them with myself. And of course, when I really need them in my life all the time. I know that is weird too, but... I actually prefer my partner to be someone I can easily hide from others. Someone who would not cross paths with any of my other friends, co-workers, relatives, etc. Someone I can go to without feeling insecure and scared that someone has told him something about me and changed his opinion on me. I have been hurt and betrayed from others way too many times to allow someone so special to be exposed to the rumours. He does not need to know other people's opinion on me, especially the reputation I have in certain circles. I want him to accept ME, trust ME and care about ME. COmpletely independently of my past or present. I actually think I did find a person like that. It is very hard though, because he knows my insecurities and my fear of the past repeating. I feel weak when I am with him. Weak and so vulnerable. It is the hardest thing for me... trusting someone... Sometimes I think I will never be able to trust a man enough to make him my partner. I am too afraid that my past will come out on the surface...

So just try to find something or someone who will be very caring, and yet without any abilities to mess up your life. Even if it is a typing thingie online. You are extremely passionate person, you need to vent. It is great to let it go, but you need to know how to do it so it does not hurt you. As to the person you talk about, blame them! This is your life. It is YOUR decision what you do, what you think, how you react, what you say. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you cannot do/say what is in your heart. Nobody has the right the judge you. YOU are what is important. It may be cruel, but the truth is that it is only YOU who matters. Be selfish if you have to! If you lose yourself because of what others think, then your life is not worth it. It would not be you anymore. You will be DEAD.
Hope your heart leads you to your happiness.
Peace and light in the darkness.
*hugs*
Nina

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One thing I need to remember:

***IF I LOSE MYSELF, I WILL BE DEAD!***