Insecure patterns of Attachment

So we were talking about relationships, and I just had to go back. It's been awhile since I have thought about my past, and I really do not feel like going back... But I guess I have to understand what happened in order to continue in a different way. He is right, I am insecure and doubtful about people. Well what else can I expect? All the abuse that has been going on in the past comes in my mind and prevents me from just relaxing. I wish I could show him that it is not him, but how do you should someone who is like you what is wrong? I always end up with the exact same type of people, people who do not believe in themselves, and hardly ever believe in others. I have said it before too, but I know it is true. J. and J. are the exact copies of each other. I know this is detrimental and causes me only confusions, but I cannot help it. I miss him, I wanna be with him. Therefore, I make the wrong choices all the time.
A. is worried about me, and I know I am testing her patience. I do not want to hurt her, and I do not want to loose her. She says I am always upset, depressed, confused, after I am with him. Maybe she is right. I hope last night was important for some sort of change.
Next time though i definitaly want to watch a movie and do something more non-physical. Just to see how we interact when hormones are not the leader.

Ok, I just needed to kinda blabber and share. I am better today than I was yesterday though.
I am way too easy and I give way too many chances to people :( I wish I was really a selfish bitch. It would be so much easier to say NO and walk away.

P.S. J. thinks I have slept with 11 guys and lost my virginity when I was 13. I do not know if I should be laughing or crying at that.