Nina's Top 20 anti-destroyance Tactics

A little compilation I made for a friend of mine on Biome (!), which ends up being rather useful for my own personal purposes as well, and of course, feel free to steal any of them if required. Interestingly enough, I came up with them in less than 5 min. The wonders of what experience can do to you. SO here we go:

1) sleep
2) shop
3) watch TV (the more stupid the better)
4) talk to friends
5) gor for a walk
6) go to the gym
7) make plans for the future
8) make a list of the places you want to visit someday
9) look though university sites for good opportunities
10) go to work (yes,it does help)
11) read some really cool book
12) read about other people's problems (I can borrow you my life, it will make you feel like your life is a paradise )
13) bitch at the person who made you feel shitty
14) make generalizations and try them out on other people
15) go clubbing and hook up with random people
16) call your best friends in a row and tell them what happened (after the 10ths time, the story gets kinda boring and you just move on)
17) do the things you always wanted to do but never had time for: painting, meeting new people, browsing thrhough your CDs)
18) write poetry, or on your blog or anything that would allow you to make feel better
19) don;t talk to people, tell them to fuck off and just stay in your room for a while staring at the walls. it happens cause then you can be the true you
20) make a list of your real friends, your best qualities, what you want, what you hate, etc.

Yes, I have tried all of them. All have worked and not worked in some time/mood. My favourite are 13, 14, 15, 19. But the higher in the less, the better coping you have ;)

It's all a product of subconsciousness

You know how dreams sometimes bring on the surface something you have hidded inside, or maybe just an interpretation of reality, or maybe a confusion, hope, desire. It's a mixture of reality and past and present and future. Mine are really vivid, so often they can influence my whole thinkinging during this day, and even sometimes makes me do things just to check if it is any true at all.

So last night I had that very weird dream. It involved a person I used to love dearly, but things have been getting worse and worse, and especially after. We still chat sometimes, but I am just interested in having a relationship of any kind with him. The dream was about me walking into some kind of waiting room or something, or maybe my room... We talked about stuff, and I made rather weird referrals to our past, which is weird, because I never talk about this with him anymore. So, we talked, and got rather upset. And he got up and came to me and hugged me and was so gentle with me, kissed me on the cheek, and tried to dry my tears with his lips. All I could say was, "Don't, just don't". And even though I knew he was doing it to comfort me, I felt like he was caring about me. And I know that no matter how he acts and how nice he is, he is just someone who I cannot rely on for anything. I wanted to scream and run away, but I could not. I felt so weak allowing him to do that. And so scared. I hate the fear! I hate it so much :/ I hate feeling this need to be cared for and to be with someone. It is an expression of how vulnerable I can be when someone goes overboard with the niceness in an intimate situation. So here is something to work on. Because I know that being so vulnerable will put me in the same situation again. And I will hate myself if I ever allow anyone to treat me that way again.

Remains

I still have to figure out why people get pleasure from putting down others. I don''t quite understand it yet. I would, if it was a defense, but it is not. They like just putting people down. I wonder if I do it still. I know I do when I try to defend myself, but do I do it when I am not defending myself? I just wish everyone was a little more respectful, and accepting.

Activist. This is what I have become. I do not shut up and stay in the corner feeling inferior. I talk to people. I fight with them. Exploring a constant fight for the better brings so much pain. There is nothing harder than trying to educate and challenge people who have conservative views and stigmatize, and generalize. Of course I do it too. But I keep catching myself these days in accepting the other's opinion. I do not feel the need to attack people all the time. If I believe strongly in something, I would argue, and it is bloody, but if I do not, I would just support both positions equally. It just has become a part of me to question the stigmatizations. Here is an example: you know how Paris Hilton;s stuff was hacked. It is so painful. And I put myself in her place. Being disrespected, categorized as slutty and being trashed. Noone deserves that. People make mistakes, but who is to say what she does is wrong. Who is to judge? It is her life, her choice, she suffers the consequences. Why do people care that much? Why do they want to push her down and make her feel guilty, and make her seem like a dirty whore. Who are they to judge? They do not know what is in her mind. They do not know if she is doing it to protect herself or save herself. Just accept her for who she is and like her and dislike her without putting her down. Is it so hard to be nice and undderstanding? Is it so important to always be right and show the other your power? Where is the acceptance? Where is the humanity?

And I saw it today... It is my destiny. There is nothing more important in my life right now than educating people, protecting minorities and giving other people a chance. Everyone deserves respect, everyone deserves to be cared for and accepted. None should feel wrong about themself. It is them that matters, and if other people do not like you, they can just fuck off, because they do not deserve to be around you.

I feel a minority everywhere I go. I guess I am in a way. Because it is so hard to be believed and made feel accepted and understood and not judged and not blamed. I've never before put so much importance on what I believe, and how I feel right. I have never been so protective of myself. I do not want to be hurt again. I do not want to judge myself ever again. I do not want to let anyone to ever make me doubt myself, and feel bad about myself. Because the only reason for two people to not be interacting is because they are incompatible, and not because one of them is bad, or both are bad. We all make mistakes. And it is enough how much we suffer for them to have other people blaming us and making us feel cheap and guilty. I really want to never allow anyone to put me down, and make me feel insecure and afraid. Because no matter who I am, what I do, what I believe it, I am me. And me is what saved me. Believing in myself and being able to resist outer influences when I was most vulnerable saved me. And if I ever give up, I better die.

The first night REALLY out after!!!

So, I decided to use my inability to get out of bed (for obvious reasons) and put that down before I sobber out completely and forget.
Last night was GREAT! Totally great!
We went for dinner to that Italian place, but gosh it was expensive, and the pasta was not that good. But I had Sex on the Beach, and after a while it did not really matter :D Probably because I have not had anything to eat the whole day, but that vodka inthere kinda hit me off. I mean, I usually need 4-5 drinks to get tipsy, and this time even one could do it. We waited almost an hour to get inside 5ive. Everyone was so freezing, but meh! There were all these super cute kids, I loved them totally. One of the guys was so hot omg! But I missed him after we got in. Yeah, we did have few drinks... But I LOVE that place! I am not even joking! The music, the people, the athmosphere! Everything was just amazing! I had such a great time. Mainly because I saw few friends, one of them even had Bday that night, so was fun. And we hung out together, and was pretty cool. And the dancing ha ha :D Been awhile since I last got on dirty dancing and lapdances. :D but was cool, cause was just the two of us, and noone else really touched me. Well, I mean, the usual stuff, but in a gay club you know they are doing it purely for the fun :D And it was tones of fun! And I found out my friend got engaged! Isn;t that great! I am so happy for her and her girl! They are such a cute couple! What else... oh it was hot, very very hot. I loved the performances! And the best is that everyone there was just having fun, noone cared about who dressed how and all that bullshit! Next time I need to invite my gay friend from high school, he is gonna hook up so many time! And he is cute ;) So was great! I am so going again and again! now they do it every 3 weeks, so perfect timing ;)
And on the way back *cough*... Well, I definitely did sing my lungs out, and barely walked, and we were skating on the frozen parts of Queen's Park :D honestly, I have not had such good time since DEcember. And I definitely needed some fun and hook ups :D So yeah...
And of course, every time when I am drunk,I do something embarrassing, so this time it was telling someone stuff. I mean, why would I even consider that! It's bullshit. But oh well, I know I do shit like that when drunk :/ Who cares anyways right. I just need to make sure I do not do it on Friday, cause that would be way too risky.
Ok, so I need to get out of here and get food and start studying!
*mwa*

Beat the settle to warn the donkey

I dunno how to translate this in English, but this is it in Bulgarian :D
Here is the story for today. I did not know about the personal experiences of my "friend", but I heard some stories here and there and put the pieces together. So how much it takes to realize that you are being led on and used? I mean, a wonderful person to be used and played with... This is so sad. I am sad for him. I mean, I know he is a guy, and guys are stupid enough to think that cute girls who are nice to them would like them, but are you completely blind? So she can be nice to you, and make you do everything for her, and make you her fool, and you will believe she is your best friend. Until one day she decides she is bored of you now, and she needs a new toy. So then, completely heart broken, you would go to another girl like that, who plays around with you and uses you to get better after breaking up with someone. And it is obvious for everyone that she does not really want to be with you, but you have the secret hopes she will be not like the previous one. And you allow all these girls to get on top of your head just to satisfy your needs to be with a girl, because you hvae decided not to date anyone until you achieve your goals. I do not know if this is the truth and the whole story, but this is what I have heard. And I am so sorry that this person is not seeing it. And you know what hurts me most? That this person ignores and leaves his other friends who are not that cute and hot and sexy. I mean, does all of his girl friends need to be gorgeous for him to be friends with them? I feel that I have been lied. Because I respected that person before. I still love him even though we are not friends anymore. But seeing him being played with and hurt and used breaks my heart. I wish it was all just an assumption. But knowing him, i do not think it is. Why would he be so shallow in his relationships and be friends only with the sexy chicks and hurting the more honest and sincere yet not that hot of us? I feel sorry for him. I pity him. And I am sure if he knows that, he would feel disgusted by himself. Because he hates being pitied almost as much as I do.

Nightmares, delusions, halucinations, progressive music, apathy

So HAPPY READING WEEK!!! YEY!
I have no idea where it went. It's Wednesday night, and let's just say that I am nowhere in my plans. Sleeping 14+ hours a day and skipping work is not the best way to spend your reading week, but honestly, I do not really care much either. Creating a bubble around myself is a good way to prepare myself for the incoming impact, no matter of what sort such an impact would be.
Now I kind of regret that I am in psychology. I know every single rule, every single step. People are so predictable. And exactly why I prefer not to say certain things, because I know what the result would be. I mean, if I go to someone and tell them I sleep 14+ hours of day, they will tell me I have clinical depression. Well guess what! I have not felt so well for weeks! Low energy and sleep may be due to the fact that I hardly got more than 6 hours of sleep last week per night, and that nightmares are not exactly the best way to spend your nights. But, who cares if I fill one of the criterions to be diagnosed. Nothing better than giving me the diagnosis and prescribing me some lovely meds. Hey, I have half of bottle of pure vodka in my fridge, and a bunch of pills. Isn;t that much better to take than anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Oh, no, of course not! We know everything. We got a degree and we can help you. Bullshit. All of that is bullshit. I know better than any of them what I need. What do they want? At least now I am up, I can go out without fearing every single person, and without looking at the ground scared that my look will meet someone else's . I did this by myself! So back off me with your disgusting pills. If I wanted drugs, al I had to do is send an e-mail to my friend down in Florida and make him send me some shit. And if he is not around, I can easily get some stuff. I mean in res for god's sake. I can get whatever I want. And if I want some hard stuff, like coke, I will just call my BG jackasses. There is nothing easier than getting high on anything you want. People will take your money and let you kill yourself. I am sick of that bullshit.

Want me to be more positive? Sure, I will be :D
So how was your lovely day? Mine was great! I was woken up by phone calls, and then went to the lovely embassy to get my great papers for my international passport so I can fly to BG in May. Isn;t that the best news ever! I am so happy and excited!. And I also got to sleep and watch that great movie! And guess what! For once, I had only one nightmare :D I love it! I am so much better! And I talked to people, and my life was great today and I love everyone.
Happier now that you have seen me being positive and optimistic and happy again? Well, you better be, cause I am fucking sick of that pretending. You want me to tell you I am fine? yes I am. but it is not your business.
Or wait, maybe you are one of these motherfuckers I know who enjoy seeing me completely down in my mind. Wanna hear how myc shitty day went today?
SO the shitty phone rang and I had to jump out of bed and wait 2 fucking hours at the fucked up little annoying embassy being kissass nice to that fucked up annoying grandma who was trying to tell me I can not do anything without her approval. And then I fucked up again and went to bed to dream that shitty episode again. And guess what! Fuck I slept till like 5 pm, and now I am so grossed out of the whole TV watching time, that I need to get high to go to bed. And all these weird people talking to me, like wtf is wrong with the world!
SO happy now that I am miserable? Well I am glad you are.

Cause honestly, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE!
I was gonna start ditching at the world, but what's the point right. I can feel whenever is appropriate to feel. I can say and do whatever is desirable. To save others the uncomfortability of dealing with my reality. Or maybe i have no reality at all and it all is just delusions and halucinations. BOOM! No reality. So now you can construct my reality, and I will just be your little puppet on a string. Would you be happy then? Eh? Would you be? That I am completely compliant and live according to the rules in your perfect harmonic world? Eternal love and friendhsip for everyone. And you all can lick your asses and pretend.

It's all so fake. It's all so bullshit. Too bad you are too closed-minded, antisocial, withdrawn and fake to even understand what I am talking about.

Have a lovely day, dear. I love you too :D

Exercises for the self

Sometimes when you go to these places, beside listening and asking for more details and asking rhetorical questions, they will make you do some constructive stuff. They will make you list things, write down, take it home and stare at it for a while. These little cards become a way to counteract your destructive thoughts and behaviours. It uses the power of convincing. If you are one of these people who believe psychology is total bullshit, maybe you would be interested to hear what they have to say. Of course, being low down is not the bect time to construct your own strategy, but at least they do provide some kind of strategy. Better than nothing. Better than circulating thoughts and having nightmares.
Oh, so I did not tell you the exciting news? Yeah, I do get nightmares. Pretty vivid sometimes. In all of them, there is a remote connection. I get hooked up and react quite strongly, probably more than in real life. And of course there is the eliment of escape, a lot of fear and all these questions which still do not have answers to. Sometimes I wish people definied space as not only physical, but also virtual and in fantasies. But even I cannot control my nightmares.
So lets get back to the little exercises I was given.

The first one was about what I want from my Friends and Supportive people.
Here is the list I kinda came up with (with some directionality help of course):
1) Accept my decisions without questioning
2) Not telling me I should have done something, not blaming me for what happened, not making me feel guilty for not seeing in the future and preventing it
3) Don't judge me. It is my life. Not much you can do to convince me, considering the fact who you are dealing with (e.g. ME, and we all know how stubborn I am when I want to be)
4) Be there for me whenever I need you. I will come to you when I feel like it.
5) Tell me straight up if you cannot help me, and do not act like a total jerk, leaving me in doubt and frustration. I do not need to feel worse than I already do.
6) Don't be curious about the details. I will tell you whenever I am ready. DO not push me, because the more you ask, the more defensive I am
7) Spend time with me without talking about it. Make me do things we have talked about in the past, or we like to do together. I really need people around me right now, who are supportive yet not abrusive.
8) Do not get upset at me for little things. And do not freak on me when I tell you what happened, because I have had enough of that already.
9) Believe me!!! I know it sounds impossible, and it is hard to get it to your mind, but it DID HAPPEN. And it happened to me, your friend. So instead of asking me if I am sure I interpreted the situation in a negative way (which honestly is very impossible when you have agreeance from both sides), just be accepting and try to understand how I feel. I know it is impossible since it did not happen to you, and I know it is hard for you as well, but I will appreciate more you trying to be with me, than dumping me right away.
10) Please do not throw me away as a person and a friend just because I have come to you for help. I do have a serious reason. And if you cannot deal with it, back off. I really do not need people who pretend they can help, but just make it worse. Just be there for me whenever I need you, and back off whenever I need to be alone. I do not want to obsess your life, but I do need you as a friend. I need to know that people believe me, and trust me, and still love me, and do not blame me, and do not think I am guilty for what happened, and hate me because they are afraid I will jeopardize their own lives. If there is one thing I hate about people, it is egotism. I know we need to think about ourselves first, but there must be some kind of altruism, and real friendship left in each of us, so when the other person needs us, we can at least try. Isn;t that exactly why we are human?


There was a similar exercise. But this time the list was about what Nina wants from Nina:
1) I want to get up in the morning smiling and not being negative and depressed and only thinking about what happened. Because the past is past. And the present is present. And the future is future. It is true that the three are too connected and all determine my life, but I cannot allow either the past or the future to govern my life. I need to keep going no matter what. Otherwise, what is the point of living?
2) I need to understand that what happened before it, IT, and after it is NOT my fault. There was nothing wrong I did to make it happen. It was not my fault. It was a product of factors, and I was the one to deal with the situation maturily. It was not me who let it happen.
3) I need to understand that it was not a weakness, it was not loss of control! Maybe it saved my life. Because if I acted differently, maybe I would not be here now.
4) I need to trust myself, and believe my instinct and rationality. Because for the millionth time I proved myself that I am stronger than I know, I know myself better than anyone else, and I am able to control myself and make myself deal with any situation. I AM strong. and I KNOW.
5) I need to stop caring what others say or do. They do not matter. They were not the ones it happened to. They do not know. They do not understand. They do not feel. They cannot tell me how I feel or what should I do. They have no power. Because this is my life, and whatever I do, I do it or myself.
6) I need to stop trying to keep people in my life. It is too much effort for worthless goals. If someone really cares about me, and appreciates me, they would not turn their back one me, would not walk away, would not call me names, and make me feel bad. They would stay with me and show me they care. Because it is not true that people do not know what to do. They do. They can at least ask what I need from them, why i went to them for help. If they say they cannot handle it, it means they do not want to, not that they cannot. Because nothing is impossible in life.
7) I need to just relax, and take it very slow, and forget about putting so much pressure on myself. The world can rotate without me being always on top of things and dealing with everything. I need to be patient. Because it will take time to recover, and maybe I will never be the same person again. So let's just take it very slow and enjoy what we have.
8) I need to understand that I am worth more than what I think. I need self-confidence. Because I deserve it. I have more than many people, and I deserve better than being treated the way I was treated by this person and many of my so called "friends". Because if I do not stand up for myself, noone else would. And I should never sell myself shortly in any situation. Because myself is all I have. And If this means to be bitchy, then I better be a bitch than being a victim again.
9) I need to be even pickier than I am now. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I deserve. So why allow anyone to slide around these requirements? I need to get it to my mind that what others say is bullshit. I am the only one who knows what is best for me, and if I do not feel comfortable with it, then it will not be done. Noone deserves me if they do not give what I give. Reciprocity is the root of all relationships. And if there is no reciprocity, there is no person.
10) I need to learn to be alone. I do not need people around me all the time. Being alone is good. I know it is scary, and I know it may be even dangerous right now, but step by step the fear will go away, and then I will be able to just enjoy myself. I have already been going towards this for a whole month now. Just let's keep it this way in happier times too.


I need to keep coming back to these lists, so that I start getting myself :/

A lesson about life

When something extremely dramatic happens in your life, it makes you change your whole perception of yourself and the world. And then come the circles. Stages, which seem comepletely contradictory, and yet you have to go through them.
The first stage is a shock. You don;t believe it happened. And you do not believe it happened to YOU. It's a stage of denial. Like nothing happened. You hardly remember, it seems like it does not effect you... You try to rationalize and move away... FORGET. It feels like you have dissociated from yourself.
The second stage comes when the thoughts come back. It's reliving the experience, trying to understand what happened, it;s like a depression in a way, but there is guilt, blame, misunderstanding, feeling weird. Like every time you think about what happened, you fall into a hole. And you start crying and crying, when you have never cried before. This is the time when you believe you cannot do anything, noone else can do anything, And then the thought of dying comes. Then you believe that death is the most beautiful event. It is the source of ultimate calmness and happiness. You know how you want to die, and why would you do it. It all comes to you as a choice. like an escape, a way to make things better. It all makes sense to you, because it is so much easier. It would make all problems go away. And if all you have is problems, then losing your life is not such a bad option.
And then comes the RAGE! A desire to hurt, to revenge, to be legitimized by others that you have the right to be feeling this way, to punish the person who made you feel this way. Because you know you do not deserve that. You know you suffer because of someone else. The sense of lack of control hits you. And you want to gain this control back. And the way to do that is to tell others, to ask them for help, to make someone else take the responsibility. You need support, justification, legitimation, understanding, strength. But it cannot come from you... You are too weak and exhausted. So you go out and start asking for help... BUT... noone can help you. YOu are the only person who can make the decisions, who can save yourself. But you also know you cannot do that, you are so weak... So then what?
Then you give up. And comes the time when there is no meaning to anything. You just do not care about yourself or others. Nothing matters. YOu do not want to think, you do not want to go out, you don;t even care what happens to you. Just nothing matters.
I don;t know what would happen next. Maybe it gets better and you start living again. Maybe you just get worse and eventually kill yourself. Maybe you keep existing in a non-existant way. I don't know.

Second point for today. Well, the reason of all the struggle is because people in Canada, especially professionals, never try to tell you straight up what to do. They always leave the choice to you. But why would they? I mean, freedom is fine, but too much freedom can be dangerous too. If a person who is usually very mature and rational comes to someone for help, aren;t they there obviously to get help? I mean, saying, oh it is your decision, when the person is unable to make decisions... that is the worse counselling. And time... Time does not always cure. Time often makes things worse, because it lets you wonder and wonder and wonder. And honestly, just staying there contemplating without acting is more depressing than the harm itself. So, I just believe that people who have the knowledge and the experience should just take the responsibility for taking care for others. Because ultimately, how can you be a good doctor, if you do not make the final decision for the drug/surgery. if you let the patient decide, well, what does the patient know compared to you? So just fucking say what you think and stick to it. And if this is not the right choice, at least you know you have made your choice and have believed in it.

And also, well I am not sure that police is a good choice, because the posibility of not being believed and being asked weird questions which make you feel guilty and weak and responsible is not a very pink one. But at the same time, doing nothing and just forgeting it is not an option either. So lets take the middle ground, probe and see what the power has to say. And if they do not do what is felt is the right thing to do, then the police would be notified when the time has come.

Venting...

I am so tired. And exhausted. I just want to go to Hawaii and lie on the beach and just stay there. FOr at least a week. But the thing is that this is not going to make me feel any better. No matter how far I run, what;s done is done and cannot be undone. I tried to make it seem like a little thing, but it is not. I keep going over and over and over and over... I just want to stop. STOP! NO more school. No more work. Mo more obligations. No more people. Just stop. But this is not good either. if I do stop, then what am I going to do? Fuck my life even more? This is so hard. I hear people telling me don;t do this, don;t do that. Tell me what i SHOULD do. There is probably one person I trust. The only one I can go to and just cry on her shoulder. But even then I try to be strong. And it is not working. I try, God knows how much I try. But I cannot. Why can;t I just stop being so harsh on myself. She told me today, I should just relax, and care about myself.
I want people to know what happened. It is not fair to live in a world where everyone believes we are safe, and people are good. But when one day you lose control, and your safety is jeopardized, nothing ever matters. You get paranoid, afraid of everyone and everything.
Do you know what it is to need a voice, a presence with you at all times? And at the same time you cant be around other people because you just can;t handle everyone being nice and sweet and pretending they care and understand. Because when it comes to people helping you, noone can help me. They can try, they can pretend they are able to deal with it, but at the same time when you need them most, they are not there. And you cannot trust them. It's the sense that you need help, but you got noone to help me. And it is not because you don;t have good friends or because they are not trying. It;s because they cannot. It's because they make you feel you put burden on them, and noone can take that. For God's sake, even I cannot take that. And I am strong. Everyone repeats over and over again how strong I am, how great I am, how proud they are of me, that it is going to go away. Well, yeah... it will. But what till then? Screw my life completely? Is that it? Just fuck myself over. I will not let it happen. I will not allow someone to ruin my life.
You know what's the worst. I ask people what they think I should do, and they say, do what you think is right. But, they do not understand. It is not their life right. And when you tell them, this is what I want, they start asking you questions, but why would you do that, have you thought it through. I hate how they take advantage of me. they play with me. They say, I think you should do that. And when I decide to do it, they ask, well why woul dyou do it? Even my own parents are unable to understand. It's like this dilemma, and I have no choice. Well I do, but the outcomes are both the same. if I call, i risk to go through hell. If I do not call, well, I am in hell already. Do I habe mercy on him and save him the trouble? But why would I? Did he have any mercy on me? No. Then? I do not owe him anything. he does not deserve my mercy. he deserve what the society believes he should get. But then, I just want to get better. I really want to get better. I just want to stop thinking about it, and forget about it. Drugs? Alcohol? Partying? Sleep? there is nothing that will make it better. Even time will not. So I am trapped in my own life. All I pray for is for God to have mercy on my soul.