Venting...

I am so tired. And exhausted. I just want to go to Hawaii and lie on the beach and just stay there. FOr at least a week. But the thing is that this is not going to make me feel any better. No matter how far I run, what;s done is done and cannot be undone. I tried to make it seem like a little thing, but it is not. I keep going over and over and over and over... I just want to stop. STOP! NO more school. No more work. Mo more obligations. No more people. Just stop. But this is not good either. if I do stop, then what am I going to do? Fuck my life even more? This is so hard. I hear people telling me don;t do this, don;t do that. Tell me what i SHOULD do. There is probably one person I trust. The only one I can go to and just cry on her shoulder. But even then I try to be strong. And it is not working. I try, God knows how much I try. But I cannot. Why can;t I just stop being so harsh on myself. She told me today, I should just relax, and care about myself.
I want people to know what happened. It is not fair to live in a world where everyone believes we are safe, and people are good. But when one day you lose control, and your safety is jeopardized, nothing ever matters. You get paranoid, afraid of everyone and everything.
Do you know what it is to need a voice, a presence with you at all times? And at the same time you cant be around other people because you just can;t handle everyone being nice and sweet and pretending they care and understand. Because when it comes to people helping you, noone can help me. They can try, they can pretend they are able to deal with it, but at the same time when you need them most, they are not there. And you cannot trust them. It's the sense that you need help, but you got noone to help me. And it is not because you don;t have good friends or because they are not trying. It;s because they cannot. It's because they make you feel you put burden on them, and noone can take that. For God's sake, even I cannot take that. And I am strong. Everyone repeats over and over again how strong I am, how great I am, how proud they are of me, that it is going to go away. Well, yeah... it will. But what till then? Screw my life completely? Is that it? Just fuck myself over. I will not let it happen. I will not allow someone to ruin my life.
You know what's the worst. I ask people what they think I should do, and they say, do what you think is right. But, they do not understand. It is not their life right. And when you tell them, this is what I want, they start asking you questions, but why would you do that, have you thought it through. I hate how they take advantage of me. they play with me. They say, I think you should do that. And when I decide to do it, they ask, well why woul dyou do it? Even my own parents are unable to understand. It's like this dilemma, and I have no choice. Well I do, but the outcomes are both the same. if I call, i risk to go through hell. If I do not call, well, I am in hell already. Do I habe mercy on him and save him the trouble? But why would I? Did he have any mercy on me? No. Then? I do not owe him anything. he does not deserve my mercy. he deserve what the society believes he should get. But then, I just want to get better. I really want to get better. I just want to stop thinking about it, and forget about it. Drugs? Alcohol? Partying? Sleep? there is nothing that will make it better. Even time will not. So I am trapped in my own life. All I pray for is for God to have mercy on my soul.