It's all a product of subconsciousness

You know how dreams sometimes bring on the surface something you have hidded inside, or maybe just an interpretation of reality, or maybe a confusion, hope, desire. It's a mixture of reality and past and present and future. Mine are really vivid, so often they can influence my whole thinkinging during this day, and even sometimes makes me do things just to check if it is any true at all.

So last night I had that very weird dream. It involved a person I used to love dearly, but things have been getting worse and worse, and especially after. We still chat sometimes, but I am just interested in having a relationship of any kind with him. The dream was about me walking into some kind of waiting room or something, or maybe my room... We talked about stuff, and I made rather weird referrals to our past, which is weird, because I never talk about this with him anymore. So, we talked, and got rather upset. And he got up and came to me and hugged me and was so gentle with me, kissed me on the cheek, and tried to dry my tears with his lips. All I could say was, "Don't, just don't". And even though I knew he was doing it to comfort me, I felt like he was caring about me. And I know that no matter how he acts and how nice he is, he is just someone who I cannot rely on for anything. I wanted to scream and run away, but I could not. I felt so weak allowing him to do that. And so scared. I hate the fear! I hate it so much :/ I hate feeling this need to be cared for and to be with someone. It is an expression of how vulnerable I can be when someone goes overboard with the niceness in an intimate situation. So here is something to work on. Because I know that being so vulnerable will put me in the same situation again. And I will hate myself if I ever allow anyone to treat me that way again.