A lesson about life

When something extremely dramatic happens in your life, it makes you change your whole perception of yourself and the world. And then come the circles. Stages, which seem comepletely contradictory, and yet you have to go through them.
The first stage is a shock. You don;t believe it happened. And you do not believe it happened to YOU. It's a stage of denial. Like nothing happened. You hardly remember, it seems like it does not effect you... You try to rationalize and move away... FORGET. It feels like you have dissociated from yourself.
The second stage comes when the thoughts come back. It's reliving the experience, trying to understand what happened, it;s like a depression in a way, but there is guilt, blame, misunderstanding, feeling weird. Like every time you think about what happened, you fall into a hole. And you start crying and crying, when you have never cried before. This is the time when you believe you cannot do anything, noone else can do anything, And then the thought of dying comes. Then you believe that death is the most beautiful event. It is the source of ultimate calmness and happiness. You know how you want to die, and why would you do it. It all comes to you as a choice. like an escape, a way to make things better. It all makes sense to you, because it is so much easier. It would make all problems go away. And if all you have is problems, then losing your life is not such a bad option.
And then comes the RAGE! A desire to hurt, to revenge, to be legitimized by others that you have the right to be feeling this way, to punish the person who made you feel this way. Because you know you do not deserve that. You know you suffer because of someone else. The sense of lack of control hits you. And you want to gain this control back. And the way to do that is to tell others, to ask them for help, to make someone else take the responsibility. You need support, justification, legitimation, understanding, strength. But it cannot come from you... You are too weak and exhausted. So you go out and start asking for help... BUT... noone can help you. YOu are the only person who can make the decisions, who can save yourself. But you also know you cannot do that, you are so weak... So then what?
Then you give up. And comes the time when there is no meaning to anything. You just do not care about yourself or others. Nothing matters. YOu do not want to think, you do not want to go out, you don;t even care what happens to you. Just nothing matters.
I don;t know what would happen next. Maybe it gets better and you start living again. Maybe you just get worse and eventually kill yourself. Maybe you keep existing in a non-existant way. I don't know.

Second point for today. Well, the reason of all the struggle is because people in Canada, especially professionals, never try to tell you straight up what to do. They always leave the choice to you. But why would they? I mean, freedom is fine, but too much freedom can be dangerous too. If a person who is usually very mature and rational comes to someone for help, aren;t they there obviously to get help? I mean, saying, oh it is your decision, when the person is unable to make decisions... that is the worse counselling. And time... Time does not always cure. Time often makes things worse, because it lets you wonder and wonder and wonder. And honestly, just staying there contemplating without acting is more depressing than the harm itself. So, I just believe that people who have the knowledge and the experience should just take the responsibility for taking care for others. Because ultimately, how can you be a good doctor, if you do not make the final decision for the drug/surgery. if you let the patient decide, well, what does the patient know compared to you? So just fucking say what you think and stick to it. And if this is not the right choice, at least you know you have made your choice and have believed in it.

And also, well I am not sure that police is a good choice, because the posibility of not being believed and being asked weird questions which make you feel guilty and weak and responsible is not a very pink one. But at the same time, doing nothing and just forgeting it is not an option either. So lets take the middle ground, probe and see what the power has to say. And if they do not do what is felt is the right thing to do, then the police would be notified when the time has come.