Exercises for the self

Sometimes when you go to these places, beside listening and asking for more details and asking rhetorical questions, they will make you do some constructive stuff. They will make you list things, write down, take it home and stare at it for a while. These little cards become a way to counteract your destructive thoughts and behaviours. It uses the power of convincing. If you are one of these people who believe psychology is total bullshit, maybe you would be interested to hear what they have to say. Of course, being low down is not the bect time to construct your own strategy, but at least they do provide some kind of strategy. Better than nothing. Better than circulating thoughts and having nightmares.
Oh, so I did not tell you the exciting news? Yeah, I do get nightmares. Pretty vivid sometimes. In all of them, there is a remote connection. I get hooked up and react quite strongly, probably more than in real life. And of course there is the eliment of escape, a lot of fear and all these questions which still do not have answers to. Sometimes I wish people definied space as not only physical, but also virtual and in fantasies. But even I cannot control my nightmares.
So lets get back to the little exercises I was given.

The first one was about what I want from my Friends and Supportive people.
Here is the list I kinda came up with (with some directionality help of course):
1) Accept my decisions without questioning
2) Not telling me I should have done something, not blaming me for what happened, not making me feel guilty for not seeing in the future and preventing it
3) Don't judge me. It is my life. Not much you can do to convince me, considering the fact who you are dealing with (e.g. ME, and we all know how stubborn I am when I want to be)
4) Be there for me whenever I need you. I will come to you when I feel like it.
5) Tell me straight up if you cannot help me, and do not act like a total jerk, leaving me in doubt and frustration. I do not need to feel worse than I already do.
6) Don't be curious about the details. I will tell you whenever I am ready. DO not push me, because the more you ask, the more defensive I am
7) Spend time with me without talking about it. Make me do things we have talked about in the past, or we like to do together. I really need people around me right now, who are supportive yet not abrusive.
8) Do not get upset at me for little things. And do not freak on me when I tell you what happened, because I have had enough of that already.
9) Believe me!!! I know it sounds impossible, and it is hard to get it to your mind, but it DID HAPPEN. And it happened to me, your friend. So instead of asking me if I am sure I interpreted the situation in a negative way (which honestly is very impossible when you have agreeance from both sides), just be accepting and try to understand how I feel. I know it is impossible since it did not happen to you, and I know it is hard for you as well, but I will appreciate more you trying to be with me, than dumping me right away.
10) Please do not throw me away as a person and a friend just because I have come to you for help. I do have a serious reason. And if you cannot deal with it, back off. I really do not need people who pretend they can help, but just make it worse. Just be there for me whenever I need you, and back off whenever I need to be alone. I do not want to obsess your life, but I do need you as a friend. I need to know that people believe me, and trust me, and still love me, and do not blame me, and do not think I am guilty for what happened, and hate me because they are afraid I will jeopardize their own lives. If there is one thing I hate about people, it is egotism. I know we need to think about ourselves first, but there must be some kind of altruism, and real friendship left in each of us, so when the other person needs us, we can at least try. Isn;t that exactly why we are human?


There was a similar exercise. But this time the list was about what Nina wants from Nina:
1) I want to get up in the morning smiling and not being negative and depressed and only thinking about what happened. Because the past is past. And the present is present. And the future is future. It is true that the three are too connected and all determine my life, but I cannot allow either the past or the future to govern my life. I need to keep going no matter what. Otherwise, what is the point of living?
2) I need to understand that what happened before it, IT, and after it is NOT my fault. There was nothing wrong I did to make it happen. It was not my fault. It was a product of factors, and I was the one to deal with the situation maturily. It was not me who let it happen.
3) I need to understand that it was not a weakness, it was not loss of control! Maybe it saved my life. Because if I acted differently, maybe I would not be here now.
4) I need to trust myself, and believe my instinct and rationality. Because for the millionth time I proved myself that I am stronger than I know, I know myself better than anyone else, and I am able to control myself and make myself deal with any situation. I AM strong. and I KNOW.
5) I need to stop caring what others say or do. They do not matter. They were not the ones it happened to. They do not know. They do not understand. They do not feel. They cannot tell me how I feel or what should I do. They have no power. Because this is my life, and whatever I do, I do it or myself.
6) I need to stop trying to keep people in my life. It is too much effort for worthless goals. If someone really cares about me, and appreciates me, they would not turn their back one me, would not walk away, would not call me names, and make me feel bad. They would stay with me and show me they care. Because it is not true that people do not know what to do. They do. They can at least ask what I need from them, why i went to them for help. If they say they cannot handle it, it means they do not want to, not that they cannot. Because nothing is impossible in life.
7) I need to just relax, and take it very slow, and forget about putting so much pressure on myself. The world can rotate without me being always on top of things and dealing with everything. I need to be patient. Because it will take time to recover, and maybe I will never be the same person again. So let's just take it very slow and enjoy what we have.
8) I need to understand that I am worth more than what I think. I need self-confidence. Because I deserve it. I have more than many people, and I deserve better than being treated the way I was treated by this person and many of my so called "friends". Because if I do not stand up for myself, noone else would. And I should never sell myself shortly in any situation. Because myself is all I have. And If this means to be bitchy, then I better be a bitch than being a victim again.
9) I need to be even pickier than I am now. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I deserve. So why allow anyone to slide around these requirements? I need to get it to my mind that what others say is bullshit. I am the only one who knows what is best for me, and if I do not feel comfortable with it, then it will not be done. Noone deserves me if they do not give what I give. Reciprocity is the root of all relationships. And if there is no reciprocity, there is no person.
10) I need to learn to be alone. I do not need people around me all the time. Being alone is good. I know it is scary, and I know it may be even dangerous right now, but step by step the fear will go away, and then I will be able to just enjoy myself. I have already been going towards this for a whole month now. Just let's keep it this way in happier times too.


I need to keep coming back to these lists, so that I start getting myself :/