Remains

I still have to figure out why people get pleasure from putting down others. I don''t quite understand it yet. I would, if it was a defense, but it is not. They like just putting people down. I wonder if I do it still. I know I do when I try to defend myself, but do I do it when I am not defending myself? I just wish everyone was a little more respectful, and accepting.

Activist. This is what I have become. I do not shut up and stay in the corner feeling inferior. I talk to people. I fight with them. Exploring a constant fight for the better brings so much pain. There is nothing harder than trying to educate and challenge people who have conservative views and stigmatize, and generalize. Of course I do it too. But I keep catching myself these days in accepting the other's opinion. I do not feel the need to attack people all the time. If I believe strongly in something, I would argue, and it is bloody, but if I do not, I would just support both positions equally. It just has become a part of me to question the stigmatizations. Here is an example: you know how Paris Hilton;s stuff was hacked. It is so painful. And I put myself in her place. Being disrespected, categorized as slutty and being trashed. Noone deserves that. People make mistakes, but who is to say what she does is wrong. Who is to judge? It is her life, her choice, she suffers the consequences. Why do people care that much? Why do they want to push her down and make her feel guilty, and make her seem like a dirty whore. Who are they to judge? They do not know what is in her mind. They do not know if she is doing it to protect herself or save herself. Just accept her for who she is and like her and dislike her without putting her down. Is it so hard to be nice and undderstanding? Is it so important to always be right and show the other your power? Where is the acceptance? Where is the humanity?

And I saw it today... It is my destiny. There is nothing more important in my life right now than educating people, protecting minorities and giving other people a chance. Everyone deserves respect, everyone deserves to be cared for and accepted. None should feel wrong about themself. It is them that matters, and if other people do not like you, they can just fuck off, because they do not deserve to be around you.

I feel a minority everywhere I go. I guess I am in a way. Because it is so hard to be believed and made feel accepted and understood and not judged and not blamed. I've never before put so much importance on what I believe, and how I feel right. I have never been so protective of myself. I do not want to be hurt again. I do not want to judge myself ever again. I do not want to let anyone to ever make me doubt myself, and feel bad about myself. Because the only reason for two people to not be interacting is because they are incompatible, and not because one of them is bad, or both are bad. We all make mistakes. And it is enough how much we suffer for them to have other people blaming us and making us feel cheap and guilty. I really want to never allow anyone to put me down, and make me feel insecure and afraid. Because no matter who I am, what I do, what I believe it, I am me. And me is what saved me. Believing in myself and being able to resist outer influences when I was most vulnerable saved me. And if I ever give up, I better die.