Mixed feeling... Expected

FUCK! My baby got stolen :( I freaked out when I walked out of the hospital and he was not there. If there are two things I really love and care about, they are my bike and my laptop. And now one of them is gone. FUCK! But, the break was nasty and the seat was bad too, so I am going for a new one. I am not changing my plans because of that for sure. Fuckers. I did go to the security desk and they said I had to go around the whole hospital and see if I had not locked it somewhere else. Like duh! And I called the police, but they could not do anything because the serial number was gone.

Anyways. I could. bad bad mistake. Haven't I learnt my lesson that there is NO FUCKING POINT OF CALLING PEOPLE!!!! NOBODY CAN HELP ME!!!! I know it is cause I still hope, but huney bunny, THE HOPE DIED LONG TIME AGO!

Anyways, so I am going biking shopping tomorrow to Walmart and Canadian Tire. Hope I find something... But I am buying a bike no matter what! Cause I am fucking going to that camping trip. going to Canadian tire may even help me cause I need a tent and a flashlight and so on anyways :D Think positive :D

And now the GREAT NEWS!!! So, I got 95% on my first Sociology paper !!!!!!! :D I am so so so happy :D And guess what! The prof Lorne tepperman invited me for a work study group with him. Too bad I already talked to Carolyn to stay there. But it would have been an interesting experience. I need to chahnge my job next year I think...

Also, I have an interview for PSY303 independent project tomorrow with Janet Astington, who happens to be one of the chairs of departments in OISE. So, hopefully I get it :D

Talking about projects, I spend most of the day today talking to Dale and John about my project, which is due next Wednesday. I finally decided what I want to do, but still got some stuff going on. And it is fucking hard to concentrate on my project now, cause I just wanna get my break from that job. And everyone else wants the same. I guess every thing has a way to end :D

So, yeah. I guess the plans for tomorrow night are off after tonight, but I am gonna go some biking shopping :D

See ya:D

SHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

This is the first night for months when I am taking off, and doing things slow, and just relaxing.
My exam did Ok. But, I got 95% on my essay!!!! Is that normal wow!!! I am very happy, but makes me wonder how is it possible to get my highest mark on a essay I wrote at 5 am the morning it was due. Well, I guess working in mental health actually helps writing essay on the topic :D
In other news, I went for a night walk around the campus. SS has a huge TV screen and they have the Olympics on during the day. Too bad they do not have it on at night as well.
Then I went to St. Mike and Victoria. I have never been there, but was very nice place, and interesting. I am going to go there and get pics of all the nice places and the umbrella tree.
Also, reming me to go visit every single library on campus :D I want to explore!!!!! :D

I was in the shower, and there was that guy in the shower next to me. I could smell his shampoo. I think I do not like man shampoo though. It hurt my eyes.

I cannot wait for my biking/camping/meditation tour. Should be awsome :D


Something else, so last night I went on a walk to O'Grady's where some of the Biomers were drinking. And I saw somebody I did not exact want to see right now. But, again, I was surpirsed by myself :) I think I have learnt how to deal with my emotions really well. I did not want to talk to him, so I was avoding him, and just said I am ok when he asked me. But then I felt guilty. So I was nice and talked to him. I mean, it is unavoidable that we will have that serious talk again, but I wanted to leave it till school starts. Things are way too good and way too busy right now to allow anything to make my summer bad.

And M. is probably mad at me. Well, I mean, I do understand him since I cut him off that cruely all the times he asked me out. But I told him right at the beginning I was not the dating type and that I am busy. I guess it took him time and rejections to realize that I was just honest with him. I mean, he is not the type of guy who can take a girl like me. And I do not want to take him through that either. but I do want to see him this Saturday night, go out, have some fun. I mean, he deserves at least that if nothing else :)

I am going shopping with my mother on Friday after work. I am scared. because I am not really sure what t expect, and the bad memories are still coming back, but I decided to give her another chance. And I have really changed and I am super proud now of my abilities to deal with myself and others, so hopefully I can have an enjoyable evening. If not, the movie will kill the extra tense hours before it is time for them to go home :)

SO, I love the music tonight. Lounge :D
good night :)

What do you want?

"I want (pause), when my time has come, to lie down on the grass on the top of the mountain (tear) back in Bulgaria (pause), look at the valley, smell the roses, feel the wind, hear the silence... I want then to say, I am happy."

Do you know what a Blow job is?

If you are thinking again that I am perverted and I always think about sex, this time you are very wrong :D blow Jobs is the name of a shooter :D And as I heard, a really good one :)
So, tonight was Nancy's goodbye party :( OMG, I am so gonna cry :(
She got trashed. Totally trashed. And she puked a lot. I was with her. And I think I have gotten pretty good in babysitting. She is very much like me when I am drunk: too self conscious and worried about the opinion of other people. I guess it is normal for people like us :)
her bf came to pick her up, but did not pay any attention to her. I dunno, I wanted to kick him in the butt, cause he seemed like he did not care. Maybe just he looked this way. I dunno, he is a nice person but not very responsible... And Em was kinda harsh with Brian, and yeah, some things just should not have happened. But was fun to see the whole unit together, and nicely chatting and laughing. I like it exactly because you get people from all levels coming together :D
And tomorrow I need to pull my essay, cause Carolyn is going to throw me through the window otherwise wow!
So I was going to go watch Alien vs Predator, but I guess I will next week, because I really need to study tomorrow night and Saturday night and Sunday night and Monday night and Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon, and then go and do my exam and be free of at least that!!!
AND!!!! I got the job as a porter :D And I will be living in Sir Dan's :D I have no idea which House yet, but should be cool :) So this is my THIRD part time job for September! wow! I cannot wait to see everyone form res back. But I am scared because I have no free time whatsoever... Sigh... Sometimes I need to sacrifice too many things in order to survive...
ANd I know it is 10, but I am already in bed ready to sleep, and this time I do not want any late night distractions. Just normal sleep. I need to relax more ...
And talking about relaxing, I think I am really going to do the camping thing. So i will ude the 3-4 days I will have after my job is finished for the summer and before frosh week starts. I will buy a 2-person tent, put it in my huge back, get some blankets, my swimming suit, some food and water, and I will go camping to the closest nice camping site. And will lie on the beach and do nothing. And go to bed at 9 with the starts, and wake up at 7 with the sun. And just relax, meditate, walk around, enjoy. And the most important thing: i will be ALONE!!! Just me!!! nobody else around, just ME :D I need that to power up for the next 9 months of craziness.
So, good night :)

Time management and business

So I was thinking about that today. I thought I had mastered it by now, but I guess that is practically impossible.
you realize you are super busy when you need to call your mom 2 weeks in advance to book a time when both of you can go shopping like mother and daughter together, have dinner and watch movie.
You realize you have no time left when you flip your calendar to find a spot for a dinner with a friend who is leaving for Hong Kong for 2 years, and all you can make is the day before your final exam for an hour.
You realise you are just trashed by things to do when your best res body frm last semester sends you an e-mail that she wants to spend time together when she comes back on Sep 7, and you find out that the first free minute you will have for her is probably before bedtime on Sep 11.
I mean, man, what have I done with my life!!! It is amazing, I love it! But sometimes I am just tired of making plans for every single moment, just because I cannot afford to lose one hour, because my work will be not done, my studying will be behind, and I will have to lose an hour of so needed sleep.
Oh, well, I will relax when I am 70 and with some disease that will not allow me to travel or study anymore :( Hope that never happens.

On the other side, business is the only thing that saves me from daytime nightmares, procrastination and all that bullshit.

Anyways, I have been doing telephone interviews in the last 3 days, and now I know not only exactly what to ask in every single moment, but also what kind of response I will get. very sad.
And I have been calling new students to advertize frosh week and I feel like a telemarketer wow. I now remember why I hate so much talking to people on the phone... It is the bad memories from that job so long ago...

Work is stressfull, now more than before. Nancy is leaving on Friday, and Carolyn is panicking. At least I did my job, or the one she most insisted on. Now I have to do a bunch of documentation for 2 projects, and at the same time write my lovely paper, because Nora is gonna hate me even more if I do not. I do not like her, but I really need to do that... *sigh*...

And I have an exam next Wednesday, so no going out with M. this Saturday, and he will be bitching again that I am always busy, and will make scenes and will try to hide how much he hates when I ignore him. Oh well hun, I warned you that I am not an easy girl, even less so girlfriend.

K, time for bed before I sleep through the alarm again tomorrow :D

night :D

Another awesomeness weekend :D

I loved my weekend again :D
Saturday Nate and me went to RIverdale farm which was really nice place, felt like out of the country, except that we could hear the cars on the highway. And, Nate has that new obsession with water, and he runs into every single puddle, and screams if I want to take him away. So, no matter how much I tried to prevent him from doing that, he run into one of these little pool kinda things with the fountain in the middle of the park. So we both got wet up to the knees. I was thinking next time I should bring him his bathing suit and let him play in the water :D At least he will enjoy it. But the week after he will want more and more. So maybe that will be just reinforcing his obsession? We will have to do a cost-benefit analysis on the situation vefore making a balanced well-rounded decision :D
And, I also did a bunch of interviews for frosh leaders. Was kinda fun, and I enjoyed talking to most of them. The hard part is when I will have to tell some of them I do not want to work with them... I dunno, vibes, it is all about the vibes...
There is that guy I really like for a long time now. But he has a girlfriend... I guess all good man are always taken or do not want commitment and go single... Oh well, he is a great bud and somebody I can completely trust with my work :D

Sunday I woke up at 9 am by myself... Such a mistake... I still felt tired though.
And went to Taste of the Danford with Cass and Dea and like 10 more of their friends. I did not know many of them, but was very much fun, and I really enjoyed it. Had some vegetable pta, and kadaif... mmm so much like home :D And the pics of Greece and Rome Jeff showed us made me tear for back home... And I had a strawbery something iced something, which was realllyyy goood!!!
And my back luck worked again, because as we were going out of the Demetri's place, it started to rain. I biked bakc home, and got totally and completely hardcore soaked! Again, for the 5=6th time this summer! I guess this is why I like walking naked in the rain so much :D

Anyways, I was ready for bed aroun 6 pm today, which is like 5.5 hours ago, so I think I deserve some sleep :D

Nighty night :D

Chick flincks are good ;)

So, she did it again. She left me a message saying she forgot she had to work till 2 am. Well, hun, I have told you millions of times that a person with schedule like mine does not have much time for people to call plans off. So I was super nice to her. And you know what, it did not bother me the least. I went shopping, bought some really nice sexy sporty stuff from La Senza, then tees and sport skirts, and I got Nancy a stuffed moose :D I will miss her so much :( Gotta take her for dinner SOON! Then, well, I called me mother, and was like: When are we going to go shopping as a mother and a daughter? She laughed, but then we booked a time for us to go together. I dunno if I want even my bro to come. I mean, it is supposed to be mother and daughter right...
Then I went to see The Little Black Book, which was a total chick flick, but was nice and sweet and smart and you know all that garbage. Exactly what I needed tonight :) Btw, I hate biking downtown when there are so many people. Esp around midnight!
So, I need some sleep before going to work tomorrow. And guess what! Tonight I actually have one of the sexy sleep wears I have from La Senza on ;) trying to take care of myself wow :D
Night :)

ICE CREAM FROM CAROLYN!!!!

CAn you imagine!!! She actually both Nancy and me ice cream :D And she said that it is because we are working hard and she sees how much we are stressing out over the fucked up drug project I feel like fucking over hardcore. Anyways, sorry for the swearing, I just needed to do it wow :D
So, we still keep going with that stuff. Nancy is leaving at the end of next week and her flight is on Aug 22. I need to buy her something, maybe a pic of me, or a card of TO with a funny note, or maybe both. And I want to take her out for dinner too, because she did so much for me, and I will miss her so much and she is so amazing and I love her to pieces! And today she called me and was like, hey Love ;) Isn;t that cute :D And she is even cuter! And I will make tones of pics of her and me and send them to her and so on. Too bad she will not be here for my presentation :) I will miss her :( Why it is always that when I like someone and we get along something happens ans one of us has to leave? I told you that my life is always that way... :(
I miss you already Nancy :(

k, I need to sleep now, after the 12 hours marathon yesterday wow :)
Nighty night :D

NEVER AGAIN such insanity!!!!

I am STUPID!!! very very very stupid!
So it is the summer, I work full time 9-5. And I decide to crash a 3000 word essay on mental health and stigma for my SOC101 class in one freaking day! So I started at 6:30 and was done around 5:30 am. Good H. was online the whole night, because I was going to collapse. NOt to mention the next day was insane and I could hardly deal with the pressure at work.
Which reminds me work is really getting a lot of pressure on me recently. NOt that I care, but after doing the exact same thing millions of times, well it gets bad!!!

Talking about care... honestly, I do not care about anything anymore... I do try sometimes to care about people who care about me. But it does not really work. I do not know. As my friend says, I probably close myself for the word and just live somewhat. I guess it is true. I need a break from so much emotions and so many people. And mainly it is because I do not really like many people, and I know that many people do not like me. And I am tired of knowing that. I just want to isolate myself from all that nothingness. So I stop caring. Looking back 3 months ago, I remember crying because it was so wonderful with him and her. I believed it was really special this time. And right now both of them are out of my life. Another example of seasonal friends. I am wondering how things will be in September. I guess I will just forget what happened and go on.
But seriously, right now I do not care about anyone and anything. I do not even care about myself. The things I do, the people I see, it is more cause I have to, or I want to, or just so I feel good about my life than cause I care. I do get pissed off, but then deep inside me it is just empty. I do like my life though. I adore the way things are right now. AS M. told me, I have everything someone in my position would want. Maybe even more than I should...

So, I am seeing a friend tomorrow, who decided to contact me, and I was a little nasty to her since the last time she messed things up. But I still want to see her, go shopping, go for dinner and movies. NOt that I would not do all these things alone. but I need to be a good friend. I do not care though.
Then, I refused to go to my parents' bbq and house warming party on Saturday. Told them I need a break from them. Which is true. Right now I am fed up with their bullshit and stupif fucked up attitude, so I do not want to see them for some time. But I may be able to convince M. to come over to my place Saturday night, drink some, smoke some weed and go to a club to get wasted. We will see how that goes. I really hope he does not have some serious attentions towards me, cause I will have to cut him off directly, and he is too nice for me to do that. And I do not think he is brave enough to try to sleep with me,s o I think we can have some fun and that would be all.
Sunday I am going with other friends to the Taste of the Danford :D I cannot wait to see the girls :D Should be so much fun :D
So the weekend is gonna be busy wow :D
K, i need to put up another topic :)

Biking and more biking

i had 4 Hash browns this morning :D I Love them. The people in McDonalds always think something is wrong with me.
I went to the beach, but on the 2nd minute lying down, decided I hated just staying there under the sun doindg nothing. Things have changed in my life.
Also, for the first time in montsh I had an afternoon nap and watched some movies :D
Went for more biking woth my dad and bro.
You have no idea how much food I have eaten today.

So enough stupid facts. I want to go home! In my room! I was so anxious the whole day. Could not calm down. I cannot just stay here. They live so weird lives! I hate it! And they keep saying I should live with them!
M. is mad at me because he thinks I do not like him. WTF! I hate when men are insecure. I think that is how I act with guys too though...
I finally talked to Hn today :) He is tfunny :) But G. has been a jackass, ignoring me. So i am like, ok, I spent a week trying to get to know him. I do not need attitude from some gym maniac who does not think about anything else but his own body. Hello, hun, at your age all you need to think about is SEX!!! at least this is what I think about ;)
NIght

Lots of Fun :D

I really did have bunch of fun today :D
So I ended up being the first to wake up, and pretended I did some work, but guess was too hot and not willing to really study.
So I did go out with M. to the Caribana parade. Was really nice. He is so sweet and nice. But he did not exactly like the loud music, and all the stuff. but smoking a bunch of cigarettes and a joint kinda fixed him wow. He really tried to get me something all the time, like a drink, ice cream, something to eat, but I was really not comfortable with a guy buying me stuff. But was nice :D I guess after all I like being treated nicely. We talked about pretty much anything. And was weird because he asked me if I liked him... Cause I kinda ditched on BG people. So I had to be real sweet to make him more secure. Guys are weird wow. The best thing was that he is from the nice guys who do not mind me hugging him :) And he made sure I promise to call him and talk to him again and even make plans for the near weeks :D So nice eh ;)
yeah, but, of course there is a BUT. First, he is not my type at all. Neither physically, nor in any other way. He is great, but just he is a guy I would go have fun with and be friends with and share stuff with. But I guess that is the limit. And, I have to admit we have very different unedrstanding on life. And also, he is not exactly up to my standars, I know that sounds cruel, but is the truth.
And on the other hand, I still have my eyes on G. I dunno, but that guy really took my mind wow. So I am taking it very slowly and just being nice and sweet. Too bad he is leaving in a month :( Oh well, I guess that is that.
Also, I went to the movies with dad and my bro and we watched Catwoman, which was pretty nice actually. The music was great too :D
So now I am totally tired and pretty dirty and I need sleep :)
Nighty night