Making new friends

So, I thought I have lost the ability to make new friends, but I guess that is just psych bullshit as usual. Why I say that? Cause I spend a couple of really nice hours with Claire today, and was so nice. We went to the gym and worked out, and she came to my room, and we talked about guys, and then we walked and talked about family and stuff. And we hugged at the end, and all that nice stuff friends do. I dunno why, but she thinks I am "cute", "adorable", "nice" and so on. I think I have had the wrong friends before, cause very little people actually cared to tell me nice things. She treats me like a little baby :D And se is so cuuuuteee!!! And the best thing is that now in my new schedule I have a class with her and Ken during the year, which will be tones of fun :D
So hopefully she will not be the only case.
I have also noticed that since now I am very much more laid down, I am easier to talk to and more relaxed and all. And alcohol has nothing to do with it, since I have not really drunk at all. If G. knows what I am doing, he will call me liar again wow ;)
Anyways, I hope I can keep that up for the next few months :D
In other good news, I got piles of work, and everyone is freaking out, because Nancy is leaving soon. I need to find her a gift, cause I will miss her and she did so much for me. And btw, she adores me too. wow, I wonder if I am the same person most other people know. I probably am not wow :D
So we had sushi today for lunch and the vegetarian was great. too bad Claire did not like it. BUt she had some of the chocolate cake. I like the summer work when everyone is so nice to us and we get noticed and treated nicely :D
btw, now I am in Etobicoke in my parents'place, sooooo quiet here! It is like a cottage far far away :D I was training for the camping/biking tour after my job is over :) Should be tones of fun :D
And caribana is tomorrow. Still have to decide what I am going to do though.
Anyways, that is all I can allow myself to tell onhere :D
Nighty night

More spicy facts about my lovely life :D

SO I have been milldly tired and kinda sick, so skipped that stupid class yesterday. BUt I finally got to talk to M. , which is definately a good thing :D Will tell you about that in a sec.
On Monday we had that lecture on adolescence, which Amy was giving. Was ok. Sometimes that stuff is way too researchy for me though wow.
Tuesday we went for dinner to that super busy and expensive Italian place on Front. Cost us like $20 what the hell! And the buffet was not really that good anyways wow. And we watched baseball wow! And Emily and Lori tried to explain to me the rules. Well, the Blue jas lost but whatever. Was cool, cause I think I am getting along with everyone wow :D And I talked to Claire a lot about guys ha ha h ;)
Talking about guys. So G. has not been around,and I dunno, he is kinda weird, so I cannot push him right. Even though I am crazy about that guy wow. I think he is pretty much all I want ;) I still got a month :D
And meeting a lot of BG people recently, which is good.
Oh, tonight went to Elissas bday and saw few people. Was funny :D I like when people are drunk, cause they are nicer then. And I had fun, and just one strawbery dequary (sp?). Definately should do that more often. G. will kill me if I tell him I have had alcohol. BUt whatever.
So, here are your news :D I am going out with M. on Saturday. I am gonna take him with me to the Carribana festival, and we may end up going to the guvernment. He seems to be a party boy, which is exactly what I need right now. And I told him that I am not into dating and crap like that.  I mean, he may be nice and whatever, but he is just not my type and not up to my standards, so yeah... wow. BUt you know I like fun, and fun with guys especially, and I do not feel guilty about using him or anything like that. We are gonna use each other and enjoy it.
I am going to my parent's place for the long weekend, even though I will be still coming over to downtown with M. Maybe even sleep over at my place if we are too fucked up to get home.
Will tell you more next week
Ciao ;)

Screw Driver

I had one tonight and for the first time alcohol made me feel good :D CAuse I was all worked out after spending the whole freaking afternoon trying to figure out all that bullshit with the drugs, and learning some more about the beaurocracy in HSRU. SO I went to the Maddy's with few buds, got a drink, they tried to teach me pool, but I was way too weird to take it serious. BUt some day I am gonna kick everyone's ass in it :)
And we watched that movies Bourne S.. whatever it was wow. NOt that bad. Action movies can be cool when you are all hyped up ;)

In other news.... I met someone... Well, he is Bulgarian, my age, really nice guy, studies pure math in Waterloo wow :D And he is really different from all other BG guys I have met so far. SO I have like 5-6 weeks to get to know him before he leaves. I hope this time it is not just another loser.

Weeekend!!!!!

ha ha :D I like the weekends :D And mine are always tones of fun and events and stuff :)
So, I got 5 Hash Browns on Saturday morning :D I am soooooo happy!!! I love hash browns :D Even though the people there were so surprised. But I mean, hey I eat them once a week, even more rarely, so I am allowed :D And I like them, so I eat them :D
 
We went to the Lawrence park form last year. It was fun, and Nate even went on the big swing :D But was so hot! We could not play more than 15 min before getting tired. So he was not in the best mood. BUt the ball was there, so that saved me :) And we went to get Pizza. You know how stupid these people are! They but a ringing bell on the door. So when Nate found that out, he went on the door and kept opening it. Well, not my fault ;) It took him forever to have one bite. And it was so hot! And then the squirrel ate a bunch of it anyways. We went to the library, and I read a fairy tale while he was playing with something. But he hated the bathroom, and that was nasty. So yeah, was fun even with the usual behaviours he gets after 3 pm. He is like a clock I tell ya :D
 
So then I went to my parents' place. It is so cool and silent there, so calm... I got my bro to come with me to the movies. My mom paid wow! We went biking along Islington, which was crazy, cause he is not in such a good shape, so I had to wait for him a lot. And my legs were shaking after the race on 100 miles cars. Was crazy but my adrenaline shoots big time and I felt damn great :D We watched I Robot, which was also racings, and a lot of schi fi effects, and all that stuff. It's coolio if you want action. Then we had dinner and watched some TV. I watched that Superstar on WB which was such a parody, man Americans are stupid like hell I tell ya.
 
Was weird, because when I went to bed, all was so dark, and not homish, and just, it felt foreign, and distant, cold... I thought about my room here in Whitney, and this is my bed, this is my home. Well I guess things are the way they are ...
 
And of course, with my bad luck this week, I got soaked on the way back again. And I did not get to find the peeps at the exec meeting, so yeah, did not go there wow. And I tried to read some stuff but did not work. And then tried to do my schedule, I hate not being able to fit courses where they belong. Damn stupid psych department! These people are plain stupid!!!
 
So yeah, I gotta study tomorrow and do bunch of shit after registering for courses.
 
About the other stuff, I REALLY REALLY SO NOT WANT TO TALK O ANYONE. I tried today, and I got pissed, and things did not work,  and was just ugly. I am in way too much anger state to deal with people right now unless I really have to deal with  them. Anyways, that's life. I need few weeks and everything will be all happy go lucky again.
 
Night

The gap between two worlds

This week I felt like I was living in the two completely opposite ends of the spectrum of life.
The result of it all is a lot of pain, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion, and more and more lack of any desire to trust anyone anymore.
 
 
Thursday was a flashback...
 
Have you ever heard of David Streiner? He is a really famous statistician, who wrote a textbook, which is considered a Bible for the HSRU and also used in U of T i think. So I had the opportunity to meet him personally and listen to him and see him how he discusses and criticizes certain issues about a couple of projects on the unit. Then I saw these real brains, like Carolyn and John, being all attentive to him. SO I guess, noone is good, and everyone bows to someone in their life. A very powerful feeling of pride, aand the spirit of knowedge and the other world. I do want to be part of that world, or at least with one leg... Or I thought so after walking from the session.
 
In the hospital, I saw that Romanian family. It's amazing where I have come to be in only 3 years. I guess I was very much like that girl: all freightened, insecure, scared to ask, scared to know... The family was from Buchurest, kind of poor, Muslim, so I guess not as we were, but the feeling was the same. I had to explain to them a lot, talk slowly and so on. I guess if I was not there, they would have probably not understood anything and just would have walked out, because the dad really insisted. They asked me for my age, cause the mom thought I was 15 :) And then the dad asked me if I was married, and all the other stuff about what I do and my family. I do not like people asking me about my family. Too much assumptions make me feel guilty.
 
And the horror.... I have not been in that situation since that day... I was coming back from the hospital, and on the corner of Yonge and Front I saw a woman lying on the street net to the pavement. I was gonna ride over her, if I have not seen her. So I stopped, since nobody else did, asked her if she was OK, she did not respond first, was crying. So I called 911 and told them how she was dressed and that she seemed drunk and stoned. A HUGE MISTAKE!!! Than some guy came too, and then another poor woman, who said it was her friend. But Mary did not want to get up, she was spaced out crying... We tried, Brenda gave her food and a drink... 911 did not even send an ambulance! They just got a police... in 30 min. And was so terrible. I did not know what to do, what to say. I asked her to go to the ER at least for the night to get washed, and fed... she refused. She said she was on methadone, and every morning they slapped her on the ass, and she wished she was dead!!!!!!!!! And Brenda said Mary was a nurse before in Sunnybrook, but then she got hooked up with some guy, and now she is on the streets, and just got out of jail.... Brenda said she could not take it anymore to see people dying... I just did not know what to do ... I wanted to help, the guy gave them some money and water, they did not wanna go to a shelter, Mary did not want anything. She said she had to pee, and was gonna pee on the pavement right there... And she started walking and then the police came, and we told them what happened, and all they said was that they knew her from before and she lived there and she was brutal... I watched after and they just talked to her for 2 min and let her go....
I have not fekt so useless and so guilty, and so scared in a long time...
When I was alone, I could not even bike anymore, was just going around downtown, called my freinds, and was all shaky, and could not even talk... OMG... I felt like that last time... And 2 years ago I still do not know what to do. I felt so bad. Why the hell do we do all the research when people are still on the streets!!!!! WHY!!!! I talked to my friends, one listened, the other did not, my coworkers tried to show me that we cannot help anyone, and I did the right things, and all... But WHY!!! I cannot understand... It is so much pain and unjustice... they assumed she was fucked up and did not come to help her... what if she was dying!!! And I am supposed to trust ER and the police!!!! Yeah, right!!!
I was walking and talking for a very long time... and then I got worse and worse... I could not talk and think straight, but I could not cry either. I cannot cry anymore anyways. And then all these thoughts going back, about what happened 2 years ago, about my job, about myself. And you know what, it is never gonna go away...
If something happens to me, I will end up on the street too... There is nobody that cares enough to take care of me, and I do not think I would allow anyone to come close enough to me anyways. I do not trust people anymore. It is too much pain. If something happens to me, I would prefer to be dead.
 
 
Friday was more confusion and some fun
 
I was still upset this morning, even though I do not remember having nightmares. I told you I did not care about anything anymore to be moved enough... Lack of remorse is one of the symptoms of... I did talk to my coworkers, but they had nothing to say.. what can you tell me anyways. I was so upset and shaking still... They tried, but I guess it was the powerlessness that got me.
 
We went to the Queen's Site. A nice history lecture, a lot of the people were patients. A tour too. A lot of stuff about what has bee going on and how things were, and still are... It was terrible even 10 years ago! The person giving the tour was a prof in York, also a survivor... but you can see he still had some of the symptoms, same with others. And not much has really changed.  SO I guess I found out that it was not just for her, but in generally, you cannot be cured. Only try to recover enough to function again. But it will never be gone. The paintings.... The images... The buildings... The people.... So scary! One of the patients liked Claire and was following her for a long time on the tour, being so close to her, so I stayed with her and then asked Ken to come over too. And the albino squirrel!!! :D
When I walked out of there, I just told them that I cannot work with mentally ill patients... It is way too much for me. I cannot take the emotional burden. It would end me up...
 
A lot threw me out this week. It hurts again. I still do not understand.
 
I saw 2 movies tonight
Kind Arthur: great! I loved the story, the effects, the actors, the MUSIC!!! Amazing :D I am happy I went :)
The door in the floor: very interesting, shocking, realistic, dramatic, dark humour, but unique in the way it poses problems and solutions. Good choice, even though we were probably the only one young people in the crowd. A good movie to shake you thouroghly... Perfect end to a shocking week.
 
Right now I am really tired of people. I wish I could run away, just me, away from anyone and anything. I wish I could run away from myself too. I need a break.  And I do not want any more emtions, nothing to shake my perfect world. Because nobody can ever understand how I feel, what goes on in my mind and soul, or what I need.
 
Peace and loneliness in the Darkness
 

CONTACT TEAM

Please bear with me, because I am a little very much tired, and on only like 10 hours of sleep in the last over 50+ hours.

So, I had a field trip today. We were shadowing people from a CONTACT team, which is a community-oriented program for people with mental problems. The clients I saw were mainly with schizophrenia. They were mostly more normal than I have expected, and the medications gave them really good way to deal with life. Of course, accidents, like one of them going to jail or being arrested because not taking meds, were also common. I did like the job. Was dynamic and all :)
Also, the workers were weird. Some of them were dry and way too serious, and not that nice to the clients. One of the men was even sarcastic and nasty to one of the client, I guess he tried to be funny. He seemed too judgemental, and picked up even on me.
Another guy was so nice!!! He is from Albania, and real nice, and we talked and he gave me advices and pointers, so nice! I think now I know the reason why I am more attracted to guys who are Europeans ;) It is the whole package man, right there wow :D
One other guy was kinda weird. I asked him million of questions, and he had a little non-understanding attitude. But I mean, you cannot judge them, cause I just dropped from the sky and will never see them again.
Anyways, the second part of the day we went to the Chum City Museum, which was interesting for me. We saw Felix the Cat, who was the first TV object. And Merilyn Monro's TV :D Was nice I think. And the clients were pretty well functioning.
I think I will be working in an ACT team some day for sure, at least for few months.

Otherwise... yeah... well I have noticed that honestly I do not give much attention to anything anymore. I am really relaxed, do not care who says what, let things slide around me without freaking out. I just do not give a shit about anyone and anything.
I had a fight with Kris couple of days back, for something stupid, cause he said something... anyways... I just started doing something else and then in 15 min I seemed like nothing happened. I did not have any anxiety, no usual panicking and shit like that. I dunno man. I guess it is good cause I do not really stress myself anymore. Bit sometimes I think (not even worry), that I have become way too egoistic, and soo much lack of remorse may not exactly reflect me. I still need to find Jason's Gold Middle.
Whatever. I really do not give a shit about who says what about me, or who does what to me, or any bullshit like that. Fuck all. Nobody cares anyways, why the hell would I care eh?
I don't.

I LOVE my LIFE!!!! :D

I really do right now :D It has been amazing few days, and I am just so so excited and happy :D Even though I have not done much things for school, but hey, there is time for everything!
today i woke up at 9 am (on a SUnday!!!). Got the bike and had 5 Hash Browns mmmm soooooo gooooooood :D Then, I biked for like 2 hours to my parents' new appartment, which i adore, because it has a swimming pool close by, it is in a park silent area few yards from the beach, and it is generally a great apartment. I even made a few stirkes with the paintbrush :D We had a pretty nice day actually, some nice food, some laughs and all. Well, they still hope I will go back to live with them, but I keep trying to explain that this is not happening no matter what. BUt was better than usual anyways. I even went to Best buy on Sherway Gardens, which is like 30 min biking. This is the ugliest place ever! So packed up with cars, no pedestrians, no cyclists, just cars, cars and more cars! I hated it there!!! And i could not even buy the M3 player I really want. next time. then I went back, and picked up my bro, and we went to see SPiderman too. Well, the rain caught me, so I had to take the streetcar, and there was a flood at that time in downtown, but I know my way around now, so did not get all wet to the bones as I did the Thursday before. Then We had to go to Eglington for the movie. honestly I did not like Spiderman 2. I guess I am just fed up with all that junk with heros and shit like it. Give me real movies man! About real people! Like Black and White I watched at the Harbourfront yesterday. Well this is a real problematic movie :)
And after the movie I took Yonge down to Whitney Hall, which bumped up my adrenaline to the ceiling :D And Ihad a nice talk with few people at the same time on msn, and then shower, and all ready now for a calm wuiet night :)
Sometimes I wish it rained more often so I can get to stay home and relax. Well, I will do that all winter :D
Btw, I am all dark and red now because of all the sun with Nate and the biking this few days. I am gonna be black at the end of the summer :D
Also, I got on good terms with someone, and I really did miss him, but do not tell him that, so it makes me even happier :D
K, time to go to bed after a crazy weekend :D
Nighty night

The explanation

Well, I have been busy wow :) I know that is not gonna cut it, but still...
So since the last time I have been insanely busy, but things have been going great actually :) Work is great, I am having fun with my co-workers, and we keep exploring the restaurants in CHina town and around. ANd I even got candy from CLaire :D She is so nice :) I like being treated as a little kid ;)
Canada's Day was great! We walked around downtown, lied down enjoying music at Harbourfront, watched the fireworks, and generally, soooo nice and relaxing, and cray and all!!!
Harbourfront is my new home btw :) They had international festival with food and music there. I had Tabetan and African food, and some Indian stuff.
Also, after 2 months I found my potato pattees, which are called Hash Browns in McDonalds and I can only have them for breakfast.
I got to teach a whole tour by myself in the hospital.
Doing applications for the ALternatives.
got some very productive meetings with Biomers.
So, you see!!! I have been way too busy being happy and excited, and enjoying my life :D