The gap between two worlds

This week I felt like I was living in the two completely opposite ends of the spectrum of life.
The result of it all is a lot of pain, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion, and more and more lack of any desire to trust anyone anymore.
 
 
Thursday was a flashback...
 
Have you ever heard of David Streiner? He is a really famous statistician, who wrote a textbook, which is considered a Bible for the HSRU and also used in U of T i think. So I had the opportunity to meet him personally and listen to him and see him how he discusses and criticizes certain issues about a couple of projects on the unit. Then I saw these real brains, like Carolyn and John, being all attentive to him. SO I guess, noone is good, and everyone bows to someone in their life. A very powerful feeling of pride, aand the spirit of knowedge and the other world. I do want to be part of that world, or at least with one leg... Or I thought so after walking from the session.
 
In the hospital, I saw that Romanian family. It's amazing where I have come to be in only 3 years. I guess I was very much like that girl: all freightened, insecure, scared to ask, scared to know... The family was from Buchurest, kind of poor, Muslim, so I guess not as we were, but the feeling was the same. I had to explain to them a lot, talk slowly and so on. I guess if I was not there, they would have probably not understood anything and just would have walked out, because the dad really insisted. They asked me for my age, cause the mom thought I was 15 :) And then the dad asked me if I was married, and all the other stuff about what I do and my family. I do not like people asking me about my family. Too much assumptions make me feel guilty.
 
And the horror.... I have not been in that situation since that day... I was coming back from the hospital, and on the corner of Yonge and Front I saw a woman lying on the street net to the pavement. I was gonna ride over her, if I have not seen her. So I stopped, since nobody else did, asked her if she was OK, she did not respond first, was crying. So I called 911 and told them how she was dressed and that she seemed drunk and stoned. A HUGE MISTAKE!!! Than some guy came too, and then another poor woman, who said it was her friend. But Mary did not want to get up, she was spaced out crying... We tried, Brenda gave her food and a drink... 911 did not even send an ambulance! They just got a police... in 30 min. And was so terrible. I did not know what to do, what to say. I asked her to go to the ER at least for the night to get washed, and fed... she refused. She said she was on methadone, and every morning they slapped her on the ass, and she wished she was dead!!!!!!!!! And Brenda said Mary was a nurse before in Sunnybrook, but then she got hooked up with some guy, and now she is on the streets, and just got out of jail.... Brenda said she could not take it anymore to see people dying... I just did not know what to do ... I wanted to help, the guy gave them some money and water, they did not wanna go to a shelter, Mary did not want anything. She said she had to pee, and was gonna pee on the pavement right there... And she started walking and then the police came, and we told them what happened, and all they said was that they knew her from before and she lived there and she was brutal... I watched after and they just talked to her for 2 min and let her go....
I have not fekt so useless and so guilty, and so scared in a long time...
When I was alone, I could not even bike anymore, was just going around downtown, called my freinds, and was all shaky, and could not even talk... OMG... I felt like that last time... And 2 years ago I still do not know what to do. I felt so bad. Why the hell do we do all the research when people are still on the streets!!!!! WHY!!!! I talked to my friends, one listened, the other did not, my coworkers tried to show me that we cannot help anyone, and I did the right things, and all... But WHY!!! I cannot understand... It is so much pain and unjustice... they assumed she was fucked up and did not come to help her... what if she was dying!!! And I am supposed to trust ER and the police!!!! Yeah, right!!!
I was walking and talking for a very long time... and then I got worse and worse... I could not talk and think straight, but I could not cry either. I cannot cry anymore anyways. And then all these thoughts going back, about what happened 2 years ago, about my job, about myself. And you know what, it is never gonna go away...
If something happens to me, I will end up on the street too... There is nobody that cares enough to take care of me, and I do not think I would allow anyone to come close enough to me anyways. I do not trust people anymore. It is too much pain. If something happens to me, I would prefer to be dead.
 
 
Friday was more confusion and some fun
 
I was still upset this morning, even though I do not remember having nightmares. I told you I did not care about anything anymore to be moved enough... Lack of remorse is one of the symptoms of... I did talk to my coworkers, but they had nothing to say.. what can you tell me anyways. I was so upset and shaking still... They tried, but I guess it was the powerlessness that got me.
 
We went to the Queen's Site. A nice history lecture, a lot of the people were patients. A tour too. A lot of stuff about what has bee going on and how things were, and still are... It was terrible even 10 years ago! The person giving the tour was a prof in York, also a survivor... but you can see he still had some of the symptoms, same with others. And not much has really changed.  SO I guess I found out that it was not just for her, but in generally, you cannot be cured. Only try to recover enough to function again. But it will never be gone. The paintings.... The images... The buildings... The people.... So scary! One of the patients liked Claire and was following her for a long time on the tour, being so close to her, so I stayed with her and then asked Ken to come over too. And the albino squirrel!!! :D
When I walked out of there, I just told them that I cannot work with mentally ill patients... It is way too much for me. I cannot take the emotional burden. It would end me up...
 
A lot threw me out this week. It hurts again. I still do not understand.
 
I saw 2 movies tonight
Kind Arthur: great! I loved the story, the effects, the actors, the MUSIC!!! Amazing :D I am happy I went :)
The door in the floor: very interesting, shocking, realistic, dramatic, dark humour, but unique in the way it poses problems and solutions. Good choice, even though we were probably the only one young people in the crowd. A good movie to shake you thouroghly... Perfect end to a shocking week.
 
Right now I am really tired of people. I wish I could run away, just me, away from anyone and anything. I wish I could run away from myself too. I need a break.  And I do not want any more emtions, nothing to shake my perfect world. Because nobody can ever understand how I feel, what goes on in my mind and soul, or what I need.
 
Peace and loneliness in the Darkness