These scary nights with scary thoughts

The alarm goes off. All I can think about is, "Fuck, not again! I hate that shitty job in that shitty time. What's wrong with just sleeping all night like normal people." But, I am nowhere near being normal. Whenever the nightmares are not waking me up every 15 min, it would be the pain, or something minor, and if all that is perfect, then it would be the job! It would be cool if it was some good exciting job that makes a difference, but standing for 8 hours in an office trying not to fall asleep is not my definition of a worthy job. But the thought of getting enough money to have a great loose month in BG keeps me awake. As well as the bitching to people, and non-stop writing of e-mails. Makes me feel guilty for not drinking coffee. Around 3 am everything goes quiet. I go around to make sure noone is being a shitdisturber, and end up being bored out of my mind, cause everyone is asleep in their rooms, not on msn, or having sex. Whatever they choose, the important point is that they are not awake. And then comes the worst time of my week.
I hate them. They come slowly and fill every corner of my exhausted conscious. They make others come too, and it all becomes a chaotic danceshow on the dancefloor of my poor existance. I try to tell them to go away, rining bells and switching to others, but they never give up. And why would they? Now is the time when they hit! Finally! After years of hiding befing their glorious siblings, now is their time to shine and take over. They don't care if they achieve the goal, it would not matter, cause then my brainwaves would be completely flat, so no more transduction of them or any of their kind would further occur. I guess they enjoy that idea of suicadility. The excitement of what is out there in the unknown forbidden land of death. They just know it will be their time to feast over my blank consciousness. I adore the thought of hopping into this mesmeric existance (or non-existance, whatever religious/spiritual believes you may hold). It's perfection. Pure perfection! Nothingness! Black nothingness! Silent black nothingness! Lonely silent black nothingness! Pure perfection! It's perfection!

That voice... spoils it all. Saying I'm stupid. Making me feel weak and out of control. That voice hates me. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself. There's nothing perfect about it. I hate that voice too. I hate all the voices. They come and go. Never stay with me. I don;t like them. I push them away. They make me keep going. They make me suffer! They make me live! I hate the voices. I hate them all. I hate me too. She is terrible. She is so crazy, paranoid! The opposite of the perfection. How can she chose the pain. Pain is bad. Pain is ugly. Pain is uncontrollable. Pain is terrifying. It's not perfect. It's not beautiful. Pain should die. Pain should stop existing. Only perfection. Perfection. Pure perfection! PERFECTION!

I hear noise from outside. Voices. Human voices. They talk. They laugh. Happy. I shake, and try to hide. DOn't want to be noticed. Ever. They go away from me. Disappear slowly. Gone. They are gone. They come and go. Human voices. Real voices. What's real? Nothing is real anymore. What's real? What's reality? There is no reality! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO REALITY!

It's gone. All is gone. Black. Noise is coming from the machine. I lose it inside my mind. The light is lost inside my mind. No noice, no light, no mind. No mind. I like it. I like it this way. It's soft. Darkness is soft. I like it touching me. Darkness is so soft. Makes it all perfect. Perfection. Great perfection. I wish it was all gone.

Knocking. Push on the door. Smile. You have to smile. Smiles make it go smooth. No smile, bother. I smile. Walking out. Away from the room. Away from it. They come with me. I cannot lock them out. They come with me. Follow me. WIll never let me go. Never. Let. Me. Go. I close my eyes. And the moment is gone. The moment is gone. All is gone. It's a vision. A perception. It's balck. All black. They stick around. Stuck to my arms. Stuck to my legs. Stuck to every part of my body. I shake. They are stuck. Blakcness. They are still there. There. There. There. Nothingness. Gone. They are gone. I am gone. Until tomorrow. Until they come back. They will never leave. Never. Ever. Only until tomorrow. Until tomorrow.

What's the real definition of friendship?

These days I keep looking around trying to find a real model for friendship. And the unfortunate truth is that here friendship is a lesser form of egotism covered with chocolate cream and M&Ms to make it seem all pretty and great. So you watch Sex and the City, and you are thinking that this must be some sort of friendship, right? Cause by definition, friendship is a relationship between people who care about each other and enjoy being together, do not lie to each other and are in perfect harmony. There is one thing I have heard so many times here: You are the only one who can help you. I hate it. I totally and completely hate it. I hate the fucking hypocrycy of that whole bullshit. Cause all around you see phone numbers of help lines, the smiles of people, counsellors, everyone telling you they will help you. And noone really does. Cause they are way too concern for their own self-benefits to ever care what you do.
Someone reminded me about something from my life a couple of summers ago. I used to work in this camp for children with Autism. And you know... most of them were non-verbal, they had no social skills, or anything like that. So you would never get a thank you, or a smile back. There was no reward for what you do. Even the directors and the other counsellors would rarely say thank you, cause you know you are not doing it for them. I did it for the children. It was the most rewarding experience in my life, because it mattered not what I do and how I did it. It mattered only that the children were safe, and happy, and they received care from the heart. The money was so negligible, and the travel was 4 hours on the subway per day, but I have never felt so good about my job. Fuck the research jobs. You do not get to see the consequences of your research in the face of others. It is all so dry and meaningless.
Or this week, when we went to the play with that girl in the hospital. And she was so happy about it even though the pain was terrible, and I could see it in her eyes. but I have not laughed so hard for weeks. I have not felt so helpful and special for so long. Fuck that whole shitty success driven society. Success is bullshit. It does not matter. All that matter is the beautiful caring person inside. The person who is ready to give up her/his time and money and energy to a deed bigger than anything else. It is the happiness you give to others that makes you happy.
I am not like all these people here. I do not want glory, or success, or to get publish. I do not want to be successful in this society, because its standards are not MY standards of happiness. I am not happy hear, because all that matters to be is put low down, after the self-centered egotism. You know why people here become doctors? Not to help. Oh no, not to help. They become doctors so they can get the money, the title, the prestige, the connections. So that their parents are proud of them, so they can get a good spouse, buy a house and a car, and have a mere existance. They do it so they can smile to people all the time, but the smile has no meaning.
There was one doctor in the hospital. you can see it in her eyes. She was there not because of herself, she was there for the children. you can see it in her actions, in her smile, and in these 5 extra minutes she spends with the kid just so she can make him laugh.
I look around often and see people saved from death, who do not even value it. People who take it all for granted, cause they are used to it. And I hate myself because I have become one of these people I hate so much. I do not want to be one of them. I do not want to be one of these people whose only care is how to get a good grade, how to show how good he/she is in what they do, how to impress their boss, the prof, the other students, the government, or whatever. Everyone does everything here not because they feel it is right, but because this is what the fucking law says, and because this is what has to be done. I hate it. I hate all that fakeness in the world, and people always being nice to you. I do not want to smile anymore when I feel like crying only because you are my boss and i am scared to be fired. i do not want to be extremely nice to everyon eto make good impression. I am so so tired of all that bullshit. This is not my world. It is all so fake and hurtful. I only wish it was different. I don;t want to spend my whole life in this country. I need to go out, where people have real problems. Where their day rotates around finding food, and getting clean water, who cry over their dead children. I want reality. I want to make a difference. my life is worthless, it does not matter if I live or die anymore. It is a mere existance without importance. I just want to be able to do something that matters to someone else. I want to build a school, I want to give out condoms in Africa, I want to distribute food in Asia. I want to make a difference. I hate this world. I hate it so much. It makes me feel inferior because my goal is not to be the nicest person and the person with the highest grades and the one with the most publications and the one with the most prestige and most money and most titles. I do not want that kinda life anymore. It is not for me. I need something real. REAL.

And what does this have to do with friendship? Well, how can you have a real friendship if your entire existance is based on your drive for success?
Let me tell you a story. There is someone I know. probably the most successful person you can imagine. This person has everything we all dream of: great marks, jobs, respect, people who care, hot chicks all overhim, etc. Whatever you wanna name it, he has it all. And everyone thinks he is the best person, cause he is so nice and so helpful and so on all the time. I believed so too. I adored that person for a very long time. until the time when I really needed help. so i went to the person who seemed to be the only one strong enough to deal with me. yes but no. that person with the hugest heart, with the most helpful expression, with the big smile, was just one of these so many people who only help if it is a benefit to them, who would never go out of their way to help someone else. their help is with a purpose. their friendship is there only when they gain something from it. but once the friendship is endangering them, they would throw you away and let you exist on your own, because in their perfect world nothing should be too demanding, or too confrontational. because in their world the only rule that matter is You are the only one who can help YOU.

Revelations like that make me think that friendship is just not possible. Especially here. And I hate it so much here. Sometimes I wish i was not that smart, and that I was really poor, so I could just be real, without having to pretend. Because the more shit you got in your life, the less money you got, the bigger heart you got, the more you understand, the more you share. And I tell you that because I have been there, and I know what it is. And I do not think you do.

On the matter of... SUICIDE

Here is an article from the Canadian Mental Health Association on Youth Suicide:


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Reflections on Youth Suicide

Adolescence is a time of dramatic change. The journey from child to adult can be complex and challenging. Young people often feel tremendous pressure to succeed at school, at home and in social groups. At the same time, they may lack the life experience that lets them know that difficult situations will not last forever. Mental health problems commonly associated with adults, such as depression, also affect young people. Any one of these factors, or a combination, may become such a source of pain that they seek relief in suicide. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people after motor vehicle accidents. Yet people are often reluctant to discuss it. This is partly due to the stigma, guilt or shame that surrounds suicide. People are often uncomfortable discussing it. Unfortunately, this tradition of silence perpetuates harmful myths and attitudes. It can also prevent people from talking openly about the pain they feel or the help they need.

Communication is the first essential step in assisting youths at risk of suicide. Learning the facts about suicide can help build a parent's confidence in discussing a difficult subject.

SOME MYTHS ABOUT SUICIDE

Myth: Young people rarely think about suicide.
Reality: Teens and suicide are more closely linked than adults might expect. In a survey of 15,000 grade 7 to 12 students in British Columbia, 34% knew of someone who had attempted or died by suicide; 16% had seriously considered suicide; 14% had made a suicide plan; 7% had made an attempt and 2% had required medical attention due to an attempt.

Myth: Talking about suicide will give a young person the idea, or permission, to consider suicide as a solution to their problems.
Reality: Talking calmly about suicide, without showing fear or making judgments, can bring relief to someone who is feeling terribly isolated. A willingness to listen shows sincere concern; encouraging someone to speak about their suicidal feelings can reduce the risk of an attempt.

Myth: Suicide is sudden and unpredictable.
Reality: Suicide is most often a process, not an event. Eight out of ten people who die by suicide gave some, or even many, indications of their intentions.

Myth: Suicidal youth are only seeking attention or trying to manipulate others.
Reality: Efforts to manipulate or grab attention are always a cause for concern. It is difficult to determine if a youth is at risk of suicide All suicide threats must be taken seriously.

Myth: Suicidal people are determined to die.
Reality: Suicidal youth are in pain. They don't necessarily want to die; they want their pain to end. If their ability to cope is stretched to the limit, or if problems occur together with a mental illness, it can seem that death is the only way to make the pain stop.

Myth: A suicidal person will always be at risk.
Reality: Most people feel suicidal at some time in their lives. The overwhelming desire to escape from pain can be relieved when the problem or pressure is relieved. Learning effective coping techniques to deal with stressful situations can help.

WHO IS AT RISK

In Canada, suicide is the second highest cause of death for youth aged 10-24. Each year, on average, 294 youths die from suicide. Many more attempt suicide. Aboriginal teens and gay and lesbian teens may be at particularly high risk, depending on the community they live in and their own self esteem.

Suicide is a complex process. The cause can seldom be attributed to one single factor, such as the death by suicide of a rock star or family break-up. It may be a routine event or an overwhelming one that overloads a vulnerable youth's coping mechanisms. As well, new research suggests that there may be a genetic link to suicide. A family history of suicidal behaviour should be taken into account, if for no other reason than the young person may have been affected by this behaviour in the past.

Suicidal youth rarely make a direct plea for help. But most will exhibit warning signs. Here are some of these signs:

• Sudden change in behaviour (positive or negative)
• Apathy, withdrawal, change in eating patterns
• Unusual preoccupation with death or dying
• Giving away valued personal possessions
• Signs of depression; moodiness, hopelessness
• One or more previous suicide attempts
• Recent attempt or death by suicide by a friend or a family member

TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE

Warning signs are an invitation to communicate. A direct, straightforward response is most effective. Ask your child if he or she is contemplating suicide; no matter what you hear, try not to be judgmental, shocked or angry. Do not communicate your personal attitudes about suicide; instead, offer support and reassurance that suicidal feelings do not last forever. Seek the assistance of a trained professional as soon as possible.

Your child's school may have protocols to follow in the case of a suicide attempt or death by suicide. It is important that the suicide is not romanticised or glamourised. Instead, teachers are encouraged to discuss with students the characteristics and events that can lead to suicide, and to explore with them all the other options that exist. But school should not be the only source of help. For parents, an attempted suicide or death by suicide in their child's circle of friends presents an opportunity to explore their child's stress levels and methods of coping. Dramatic statements emphasising the parent's horror and fear "of suicide are best avoided. It is more effective to express a willingness to talk and to be supportive, no matter what may be happening in the child's life.

WHERE TO GO FOR MORE INFORMATION

Check with your local library for books that can help you understand suicide. Helpful resources on the Internet include:
THE CANADIAN HEALTH NETWORK: www.canadian-health-network.ca
The Canadian Mental Health Association: www.cmha.ca
Suicide Information and Education Centre: www.siec.ca/

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So am I talking about this? Why not? It is that thing we always hear about, but we never want to talk about, because it is too scary, and too painful. And talking about it is the only way to figure out ourselves. I know much more about it than most people my age, because I have delt with it on so many levels. I have had a few friends who have been suicidal many times. One of them suffered from heavy depression... He was completely out of it... Hallucinations, delusions, etc. I have been with him at least 5 times when he wanted to do it. I would plead, I would swear at him, I would beg him, hate him, love him, say everything I thought would help. He never ended up doing it. The reason: "I am too much of a pussy to do it. If I were not, I would have already done it million times." I never understood him, because I always believed that it is impossible for someone to hate himself and the world THAT much, as to go against the instinct of self-preservation. He thought of hanging himself, but this is probably the hardest way. He also thought about overdose, but for someone who lives on drugs, it would be ridiculous to kill himself with an overdose. And a gun or some other weapon did not work. Someone very close to me tried to kill herself a couple of years ago. I hardly ever talk about that ever. It hurts too much. It hurts to know this person asked you for help and there was nothing you could do. And you just let her do it. It hurts. So much. It makes me cry every single time I think about it. I can hardly talk to other people about it... I state it as a fact, but I cannot talk about it.... And there was another one... The person I was with for some time tried to kill himself twice. It was before meeting me, so I had no power, but it made me think like everyone around me is so low down that they have no desire to live. It scares the living hell out of me to know that so many people I have loved have tried to hurt themselves. It makes me feel like I am attracted to people who are miserable, or that I connect with them on a level that make them confine in me about the darkest thoughts and deeds.
You wanna know if I have ever tried it? No. Have I had the thoughts? Yes. Many times. Reason: because there is only that much of bullshit in life you can take. And after awhile, you just give up, and you wish you could escape all the hardship, and never feel anything again. Being dead is beautiful, its peaceful, its so easy. It's a state in which nothing matters. There is no pain, no fear, no stress. yes, there is also no love and friendship and happiness, but the NOTHINGNESS is what is the beautiful in it. Sometimes I say: "One day I will be dead and nothing will ever matter, and I will be floating into the nothingness feeling nothing." I am fascinated by the idea of nothingness. It's all the troubles and stress of my current life. Everything going horrible in one day, and wonderful on the next. It's the confusion, the fast change of moods and events that make me cherish the lack of everything. It's like sleep, but without the nightmares and the awareness of your environment. Death is so beautiful. I am not scared of it. I desire it, but not for the reasons they did. They wanted to die because they felt like their lives did not matter, like they were worthless. He took the pills because he was ashamed of himself. She injected herself because she believed she was a burden for others and brought them misery. He cut his wrists because he saw no reason to keep living. They all had a reason to die dictated by something terribly dark in their lives. I do have terrible things happening to me, but I still belive that my life has a purpose, that I do have some importance for someone, that I have destiny to fulfill. I admire death because of the beauty it carries, not because it is the escape from the darkness. They were afraid to die. They desired it, but were so afraid. I am not. For me, it is a passion... A miracle... a drive... it is the last stage in the circle of life. It is so beautiful...

If you know someone who is considering suicide, or you are considering suicide yourself, or you just want to talk about it, I would not mind having the talk. Death is scary only if we are afraid of it. It because a problem only when we are with the wrong conceptions. But death is beautiful. So beautiful.

Empowerment

What is the role of the mother when you are 21? It is to listen when you need to talk to someone, to be there for you without pushing you, but to know when to push when she feels you will benefit from sharing. And most importantly, to show you she respects you as a person and as independent individual who has a strong instinct and the intelligence to make the right decision about situations. And she is there to tell you that you need to believe in yourself, because you have enough to pride yourself with and should not put yourself down just because people have low opinion on you or put you down for their own pleasure.
This is exactly what my mom did today. She kept calling the whole evening and day to talk to me, and recalled me, leaving messages asking where I am and what I do. And when I tried to avoid the conversation, she kept pushing me delicately, saying that she knows I want to talk, and she is there to listen. My mom has a very subtle way to push you towards things. She is nice and jokes around, like she dpes not take it seriously, but she directs you towards it and manipulates you so at the end you feel trapped and cannot avoid the questions. I think I have inherited my psychological counselling manipulative abilities from her ;)
So I ended up telling her about the two things that have been bothering me, and which I have been upset about. So she listened, and then gave her opinion. It was interesting, because first she suggested something, and when I told her what I thought I should do, she said that I have a much better idea of what should be done. For the second thing she also said that my decision is much better. I appreciated the acceptance. And i also appreciated her telling me that it is not my fault, and that I am not the bad person in the situation, and that these people have tried to take advantage of me and I have not allowed them to do this. She kept saying that I need to believe in myself, and the way she said it was so empowering because I could feel she actually believed it. She also said that it is her own opinion not just because she is my mother, but because of her seeing me as an independent person and also from what other people have told her about me, that I am a very intelligent person and I have the inner instinct and the strength to fight for myself and overcome the difficulties. She also said that people will try to put me down because they want me to be down, to shut me up, and to make me suffer because they do not have what I have, and that I should not care about them, because they are ignorant senseless dumb people who do not deserve any pity and who are too low for me to try to deal with them after I have tried so many times. I really needed to hear this from her. It was a very strong statement coming from her, and definitely gave me the power to look more critically on the issues and believe in myself.
Empowerment coming from the people who care about me is all I need from them. If I have the confidence in myself, I can overcome everything. And no matter how much people want to see me down and suffering and enjoy putting me down especially when I am so vulnerable and sensitive, I can still stang up strong and prove I am worth priding myself in me. And if people do not see beyonf the dust others throw over me, then they are not worth it either.

Yes, I do feel confident right now, and I go ni ni :D

Dim Sum

Before I forget! The name of that thing is Rice Noodle, or Chong Fang pronounced in a very special accent.
It was very interesting. Line up was huge, but we got a lot of food. And my friend who is purely Canadian tried a bunch of stuff and I think she liked them. I had something else, which looked like a pancake, but not exactly sure. And we chatted for a while. I totally adore my friend's bf! he is so amazing! A very nice guy, very respectful, very intelligent, careful, open-minded, understanding, great chatter, just everything I would pick for her! So I am very happy to see them together. We exchanged opinions on professions and education and politics and so forth, so was an overall very nice experience :) He is lovely. I do not think I would be able to date a guy like that because he is a little too calm and conservative for me, but I am glad he is my friend's boyfriend. DEfinitely a nice experience to see a guy with somany good qualities :D You see, I am not discriminating against guys, I am being very accepting of nice guys and disinterested of males I do not get along with. I got standards. Which are not that hard to be met at all :)

BG stuff

So, we did go to the airport, but we didn;t even go inside, cause my mom's place came an hour earlier!!! Why this never happens to me when I travel, i am always hours late. So she was waiting for us, and we just picked her up. It was a little disappointing, because I really love waiting and this excitement you get is quite nice. But anyways. She talked non-stop wow. So we were like, ok lets just listen about the whole thing. but she dd not stop for the whole evening. I wish he had asked me about me... or maybe it was better not to, cause I did not want to complain right after she comes.
She brought us so much stuff :D I got cute socks, and bath robe which is so colourful :D And I got a bag, and sweets, and jewellery, and cards, and so many other things! And I got a bottle of very special sweet cherry wine, which I am going to share with my friends because I have been telling them how good our alcohol is, cause it is so strong :D Oh, I got few newspapers and magazines to show around, cause I have been telling people how beautiful Bulgarian girls are, so I better show some :) My cousin got my dad an issue of Bulgarian Playboy, which was so totally ridiculous ha ha ha :D veyr bad if you ask me ;) Oh, and that teen magazine mom got for us, it's so weird... like the things they talk about. The language even sounds os weird and foreign to me... I cant understand why, but it is true that people do accept languages differently. OH! I got martenizis!!! This is a white and red strings made of cotton. We hang them on our hands and clothes for health and peace and prosperity. So if you see me around wearing weird stuff, don't worry, it's just what it is ;) So this is this.
And now i go eat Dim Sum :D

blubber

kamen. screams. abuse. pain. torture. more. pain. creation. absurdy. death. symbols. pretence. false. careless. emotion. wild. blutantly. stare. hope. failure. help. loneliness. sex. despise. destroy. live. hatred. kill. stop. panic. devotion. fear. worth. appreciation. no. belief. trust. depression. wish. matters. stage. hey. pitty. recovery. pass. time. stong. hurt. ?. access. ability. counsellor. peace. white. sense. passion. lie. anonymous. dizzy. smile. power. end. heart. friend. stone. sleep. dream. energy. flower. kiss. night. memory. association. destiny. synopsis. territory. synergy. fake. blanker. nightmare. warm. floating. bold. pride. discrimination. scared. imagine. contribution. addiction. love. help. ruin. stigma. minority. activism. suicide. incarnation. spirit. Jesus. harmony. reality. disturbance. hospital. child. scenario. hold. pesticide. tranquilizer. you. lava. cord. shock. lecture. tears. die. fast. stand. pills. doom. curse. despot. truth. istina. temperament. me. subsidy. holograph. moose. light. instance. deep. forever. mentality. status. surprise. dare. stable. lunatic. space. air. water. breathe. world. stars. dust. molecule. alive. emptiness. doctrine. blinking. nothingness. loop. doubling. charisma. pain. hurt. body. soul. mind. friend. sterile. mother. pregnancy. abortion. emergency. condom. gladiator. Toscany. estrange. careful. bonfire. flame. system. altogether. cornelius. home. mountain. sky. sun. river. waterfall. green. village. open. eyes. beauty. nature. final. step. heaven.

Airport!!!

I love it so much!!! And I am really excited, this time in a very positive way, to see my mom coming back from Europe. I felt like I really missed her. Even though we talked a lot on the phone, and I barely talked to my dad cause we are both so busy, it is still good to know she is back :D And she told me she bought me a lot of stuff, so I am really excited to see that too :D No! It is not the presents I want! haha, i don;t mind presents, but they have never been a big deal for me. But I am definitely happy she is coming back. I like talking to her now, because at least I know they finally realized that they cannot change my life, but they can make it better by supporting me, accepting me, and just being there for me to listen, or do things together. I am really proud of my parents for being this way now, even though we still cannot live together.
And just on time for Mom's day this tuesday. I am thinking to invite her to lunch with me somewhere, and buy her flowers and a card and maybe her favourite parfume. She probably has everything already, but it would be nice! And we have always celebrated Mom's day by her cooking us something special, and I want to do something different this time. We have gone a long was in the past year, so I really feel I have the need to show her I do care about her and I love her. I am really hoping we can do that :D
And I love going to the airport, even though I rarely flight :( But I think unless something changes in the next few days, I will ask my parents to buy me a ticket to Europe for April 30 or May 1-2, and I hope I can go through Amsterdam and stay there for a while :D
I really really really need to get out of here for some time, because otherwise, I feel like I am gonna exlode soon from all that stress. Change is good! And nothing better than telling my friends I am going to see them in a month :D They will freak out! I will go visit all of them in their universities in Bulgaria, spend some wild time with them, catch up, hook up with cute guys, see my relatives, and do one :D I am really excited about going to BG :D I hope it will work out!!! And if not, I am definitely taking a trip somewhere else. By bus or train :D Maybe Calgary? Edmonton? or Winnipeg? I even have friends there so its gonna be so nice :D so excited :D :D :D

Let's talk about.... ENEMIES!

So today I watched a movie called The Face of the Enemy. It was about how we create a strong aversion towards nations or people based on social construction and outer influence. The images, the propaganda, the constant repetiotion by every important person around makes you construct a reality in which US and THEY are two opposing sides, and you need to hate THEM, because if you do not hate them and hurt them, and exterminate them, you cannot exist. But game theory has proven that it is a cooperation that is needed for mutual success. So, as an end point, cooperate!

And of course, social psychology always has an effect on me. huge success from the last movie since I did not lecture myself and were not totally upset and were not crying for an hour after and did not run in my friend's room to calm me down. Which is another proof I am rather in a good condition, regretfully for everyone who would enjoy seeing me down in the dust. Sorry, not gonna happen. And if it does, noone is gonna know :D

Back to the movie and cooperation. It is our percepion of the individual that makes us defensive or not. The first impression does matter. Especially if it is a really good one. Then you practically prefer not to change it later on, because who wants to make a good person seem bad? Even privately, we do percieve ourselves. So that tides up to my usual forgiveness and belief that everyone is a good person inside and everyone deserves a second chance. No wonder it is so hard for me to be really mad at someone for a long time. It takes really a lot to make me really upset or angry at you. I may be neutral, but never angry. It;s a good thing though, keeps me from having all these negative feelings against all these people who have done bad things to me. And makes me happier. And makes me a better person :)
I guess this is why I still have these human perceptions of him regardless of everything. After things have gone better, I just see it as a distant memory without real importance. And I wonder, have I really learnt from it? Because I feel like I have not, and I am scared it will happen again and again. They say this is a normal reaction, but I am still feeling like I am stupid and not careful enough. But it also takes a lot for people to come close to me. I kinda do not really care. Of course the people who were with me and were supportive and showed me they love me are they and I love them, and I trust them, but the others... the ones who were not involved and the ones who are new in my life I just do not care about. I think my attitude right now is not to put any effort to be close with anyone. I have enough good qualities for everyone who is interested to be my friend to approach me. If they really want, I am open for it. If not, their loss. I am not gonna go after them. For friendship or other relationships. Especially intimate relationships. People who do not try for me are just not worth my energy. It makes me confident, and protects me from regrets later on. No, I do not have regrets about it, I would probably do the exact same things. I do not want to change the past. I want to change the future. And it is a really empowering sense to see it all working again... really amazing...

hmm, ok i got distracted and forgot my thought... will add more later :D