Weekend news
So, the weekend was buuuusy, but definately very interesting :D
SEC training can be a lot of fun, and not like most trainings at all. I learnt a lot, from how to cope with stuff to sex toys. I admit, definately sex toys was the area I learnt a lot from and made me wanna improvise more :D
And I saw Nate :D OMG!!! If I die tomorrow, I will not regret my life, mostly because of that child! He was just playing with the ball, and on the slide, and with other kids! You have no idea what an amazing progress he had had in the last 6 months! I am so proud of my baby :D And that smile when he saw me yesterday, and yelling my name, OMG! He makes me the happiest person in the world :D Now thinking about him I get all teary. I love you baby I love you more than anyone else! He is the only person I know loves me unconditionally and will never hurt me! I love him :D
In other news, M. pissed me off big time last night. Cause I wanted to be with him, and he brought his friend, they were 45 min late, so we ended up being 45 min late to the club. And he did not dance with me or anything. And was all so silly. He is such a pussy man. And all that freaking out about the parking and drining in downtown. I know I was kinda mean, but whatever. I dunno, there is no point to try to push him, cause I know for sure there is not way anything will get better. The pure truth is that we are on the two complete ends of the spectrum of life and there is not chance we will ever compromise at any point. He just cannot deal with me. And I am certainly not willing to deal with him. I do not need a whining boneless creature in my life. I want a real man. So yeah... yes, I know I am cruel, but you know what? I do not give a FUCK about anyone anyways. My life will either be the way I want it, or it will not be at all. End of question.
Now I go sleep cause I gotta work at 12.
P.S. Maybe I should make SystemSounsbar my favourire Saturday night club :D
3 Comments:
You're a very confusing person. Sometimes you say that you don't need anybody, that you don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks about you and that you don't care anyhow.
Then at other times you go on about how you need someone, someone strong who can be there for you and yet weather your turbulent personality.
Chaotic.
I think you'd be a lot happier if you could decide what you wanted, and if you stopped expecting so much from people. Your expectations are too high, learn that not everybody is going to be exactly what you want them to be and deal with it.
Hm... Ok, I did think about your comments. And I have to admit I was extremely mad at the beginning, and I did give it a lot of thought.
And then I went to my friend. She had never talked to me on Biome or online or anything like that. I have only personal interaction with her.
I asked her if she thinks I expect too much of people, especially friends and if I am confused. Her answer was that I did not put any pressure and never had on her, and that she does not believe I am a hard person to deal with in any way.
So, we did think about explanations. And I got to the idea that the fact I know most of you mostly online is an obvious disadvantage. neither of you have interacted with me in person enough to be able to distunguish the person i am online and the person I am in real life. I would never allow myseld to say things in real life which I say on Biome or on here. And of course, my blog is mine so I can share my experiences.
The difference comes from my past. I used to be part of a community on IRC few years back. Whar happened then has a lot of relevance, and I still behave similar ways. In real life though, I am just not that person. I hate MSN, IRC or even Biome now. They create a picture of me which is not true at all for the face-to-face interactional me. And you all make assumptions based on what I post , and the way I express myself. A huge mistake, because the person online is NOT ME! I tend to be much more vocal, opinionated, cruel and bitchy online. And what is the worst, you people do not even make the effort to try to get to know me. Has any of you approached me in real life and tried to spend some time one-on-one with me? I do not think so. I know only three people on Biome who I have talked to personaly. One of them is Chris, but he does not count here. The second is your lovely amazing sexy mofo Josip. We all know that the two of us do not get along. The third is Shankar, but that experience was a very weird one, and the assumptions and the uncomfortability there was more than I can handle talking about.
Anyways, the point I am trying to make is that you just should come to me with open mind, without the assumptions.
I will first answer the two questions, and then will make a deal with you.
Salanth, I know EXACTLY WHAT I WANT! I do not care about people, because they do not care about me. I did not say I NEED a partner, but I want one, because I need stability and someone to trust with myself. But I can perfectly live by myself, and I enjoy my life, and I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved on my own. But eventually, I want to have a family, a real one which I do not have right now, to have children, and a supportive partner. So I may not care right in this part of my life, but I certainly do care about people and myself in general.
Anonymous, You made the assumption that I am not happy. I AM HAPPY. but I am also very angry. If you had my experiences with family who does not give a fuck, with partners who use me only for sex, and with friends who are scared to be patient enough and care about me, then you would probably have the same anger. The only reason I have not quitted school and I am not in a major depression is because I am a strong person and I can survive and I want to survive. As to being with too high expectation, I believe that this is a very important part of my life. I only want the best for myself. Enough allow people to step me over. I have a price and I want that price to be paid. I expect a lot because I give a lot. I give everything, i give MYSELF to my friends and my lovers. But so far I have gotten the same from only one person, and he is too far away now. So I will continue to have the same expectations. If you knew me in REAL LIFE, then you would know that nobody ever complains about me having too high expectations. But obviously you don't.
SO here is the deal: Since you believe that you have something to contribute, you should try to be patient and convince me that I should change. I am very stubborn, so it will take some effort. if you are up for the challenge, I would love to hear any advice, no matter how cruel, rude, or angry it is. The only way to deal with me is to attack me extremely violently. So go ahead and do it, and you will see the results.
And to protect yourselves, I suggest you use Anonymous nickname, so that there are no personal feelings. Be my counsellor! Help Me! Make the difference you are struggling for.
And if you cannot deal with me, and are not willing to take the challenge, then do not make assumptions about me, do not judge me, and let me live my life the way I believe is best for me.
Thanks.
Post a Comment
<< Home