Late night Thoughts
I guess I have forgotten what emotional effect a lot of events and late night hours have on me... I should try to escape that I guess, because "Emotions are Evil". This is actually one of the notes on my door too :D Scares people away :D
house meeting was interesting... so many new people, so many new things, I am kinda excited and whatnot about it...
But whatever, I told Angie I am not excited about anything much anymore. I guess it is kinda true. I am floating in a state of existance. I am happy in a very calm way. I have no emotions whatsoever though. I am not crazy about anyone or anything. I am not upset by anything. Things are just so smooth...
I hate it. I love. I dunno... Emotions make me unstable, scared, confused. No emotions take away my persona. The summer was AMAZING. Purely amazing. The reason because I learnt how to deal with everything that may cause emotional disturbances in my life. No stressors, no caring about people. Everything so calm. But I am a little tired of that I guess. FOr someone so used to emotions, no emotions means state of nothingness... Going around in a loop in the state of nothingness not understanding what reality is or what people are. GARY! GARY! GARY!
Things are going way too well. I need something to stir me up and make me care. Even anger/frustration/screams seem like a wonderful exciting experience right now.
At least there is not much chance of getting a hear attack :D
5 Comments:
I told him...
He screamed at me, sweared, showed anger and what not...
At least now I know he does care about me still.
Question is does his opinion actually counts for anything..
hey nina,
i stumbled upon your blog, and your entry really struck me...it IS a good thing not to be high strung, dwell on things beyond your control and get worked up too easily. BUT don't deaden yourself to the world. From your entry, it seems as though you've gone from one extreme to the other. I think (but it's just my opinion!) that you should try and find that happy balance. Sure people in your life have let you down (who hasn't expereinced this?) and so you feel hurt and vulnerable...but not caring about anyone or anything is just as bad. Soon you will “forget” how to open up to people, care for them, and allow them to care for you…you'll build such an impermeable fence around you (already the sign on your door is an example :p)that when the right friends and/or guy comes along, you won't be receptive to that. Anyway, i'm just babbling because i'm delirious from hunger...i should eat now :p
well, take care and good luck nina! All the best!
love,
cher
Thanks hun :D
The truth is that I have realized recently exactly what you are warning me about. I am not very receptive to anyone, even my friends. I kinda let things slide off around me, without getting involved. I just do not feel the need or desire to be close with people. It just matter seems not to matter anymore.
And there is another thing... I feel closer with my old friends from my past who I have not seen for years than with my current friends who I see all the time.
And you know that I am mad at someone really badly, cause he betrayed me and I trusted him with myself...
I guess it is time to go back to the people I really love. But there are not many of them left around me *sigh*
Thanks :D
I don't think you quite understand Cher, what it means to not feel anything.
It's not about being vulnerable and hurt. It's just not feeling those at all, not caring even if people do care. I mean, there is this sort of responsibility feeling and of course, the desire to be nice to them, but I think Nina probably takes less shit than I do from people.
Heh, it's good to feel excitement. I'm sure you'll be fine Nina. You're too active to just lie there.
It is about fear from being hurt and whatnot. I mean, I have gone through too much, and have dealt with way too much. I am just fed up. And unless I really care and love the person, I would completely ignore them. I usually do not do it on purpose, just my inner self say, RUN! And I run from them.
Now I can realize the meaning of being around many people and at the same time being alone. I do not mind it, but I do not want it to be a perpetual feeling. I need someone I trust to get me back from where I started.
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