The Incarnation of the Dynamic Spirit

Percusio

2005-04-25T05:02:00.000-04:00

So it's more than obvious that I am unable to do anything mildly productive right now, so I will just buzz around. It's my LAST night shift and no more of that terrible messed up schedule! Well, unless whenever there is something distracting to keep me awake at night.
We went clubbing to Joe's last night, not to mention we were totally soaked by the time we got inside, and my jacket was wet even after. 4 hours of non-constant dancing make syou crazy. And my tolerance level is progressively increasing every time we go out. Nowadays I need to do massive pre-drinking and spend at least $30 in drinks to get mildly tipsy. I am kinda happy that there was noone who knew us there, cause the major sexy action we engage in is not for everyone's eyes. I love it when we go clubbing together! Way better than going with anyone else, probably cause I do not give a fuck who says what about me and I know I am not gonna get the dirty disapproving looks when I hook up with a guy in the club.
Talking about guys, no idea where we stand right now. And with me leaving for 5 weeks, I am not sure he is very interested in having anything until I come back. I am not that interested in him either, but hey, he knows how to make me feel good and he is willling to try things, which is a new discovery for my partners. Maybe we can do something more during the summer when I come back and we both have more willingness to spend sleepless nights together even when we have to go to work the next morning. But honestly, I do not put my hopes too much up, because with my luck he may as well turn up to be a drug dealer.
As about luck, I have that feelings the plane is so gonna crash. At least one of the 4 planes. Cause I have not had anything good happen to me for months, so maybe it all has been to end up with a place crash. Actually I am rather happy to have that feeling. Would be a very different sensation. Makes you feel the fear and powerlessness. You can never get used to someone else controlling your life. The odds for this happening are 1 in a million, but I lighten up just thinking about the possibility of it happening.
I am really tired of this country, and these people, and these same things. There is something so depressing and monotonous around here. It feels like noone is real. It feel like I can hardly talk to anyone, cause of the stupid rules. People do not want to hear what I feel and what I really think. They only want to know I am happy and all is fine. I hate the whole pretentiousness of that place. My friend tells me it is the university that makes it all bullshit. People here are more selfish, more success-driven, less party-oriented, and seem to enjoy life way less than the low-paying-employees in the lower classes. He is from the people who does not get much money, but gosh, he parties! Maybe in a different way than me, cause he prefers to chill in bars and I prefer clubs or just my bedroom. He is so much more relaxed, and easy go shizzy... I am jealous sometimes. I just wish I did not care as much as I do. I hate looking around me and seeing all these briliant people who can only study and be perfect in everything all the time. I hate it so badly. I hate myself for being so nowhere. I got no real home, no real goal, and now I do not even have a real self. I hate who she is. I hate that she is a good nice sweet girl during the day and becomes a total bitchy whore during the night. It makes me wonder if I know myself. But what' the point of knowing myself anyways? I will never like it, it will never get better, it will never go away. YOu live with it, pure dark meaningless existance. I just wanna finish school and try to get a semi-alright job and then work during the day and go out and drug myself to oblivion. Cause only when you do not realize who you are and what is the world around you like, only then are you able to just forget it all and fully float in life.

The BS of flirting games

2005-04-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever though why flirting is such an important part of intimacy? Sometimes I find it so fucking annoying. Like seriously... So you gotta look good, you gotta behave a certain way, you gotta be nice and sweet, you gotta follow certain rules... And all this for what? SO you can get a phone number and go out on a date. Don't get me wrong, I love dating, I love relationships, I love intimacy, and I certainly love sex, but I hate these stupid games.

So here is a prime example:
I spent 2 hours last night getting ready to go out with my friend. It took me 2 fucking hours to do my hair, put my make-up on, decide what clothes to wear, and just stare at the mirror trying to find and correct imperfection. TWO hours! Then, it took me another hour to intoxicate myself with sufficient amount of alcohol, so I do not act like a depressed bitch. I spent 20 bucks on coolers from LCBO, which were gone by the end of the intoxicating hour, another 5 bucks for taxi cause of the fucked up weather in shitty Toronto on fucking April 2!, another 10 bucks to get to the club, and about 20 more for more intoxication of my lovelye Sex on the Beach which has alcohol almost enough to get my 4 year old cousin drunk. SO yeah... Let's pretend though that money did not matter, and the time spent on making my hair straight when it is naturally wavy, was pleasurable. Here is the better part of the evening: dancing pretty sexually on a almost empty dancefloor with my friend engaging in pretty lesbian action in front ofthe eyes of a number of very drunk middle 20s guys who are dying to see exactly what we were doing. I had no idea why are people staring and honestly, I did not really care either. CAuse I was tipsy, my friend was getting shot after shot, and I was having fun! Did I feel like a slut? No! Cause that girl next to me was grinding with 4 guys at a time, cause blondes have more fun obviously, and the other chick was letting some guy she just met touch her ass and boobs during the whole night. At least I had some self-respect and did not allow anyone to touch me, cause then I would have felt like a slut. Dancing with guys who know how to dance without them touching me was kinda interesting, but trying to avoid their hands was not the most entertaining thing even when you are pretty tipsy. Oh, falling over your friend on the ground and laughing at it while a couple of guys help you get up is pretty cool ;) So at the end of the night I was so tired, that I just needed someone to support me, otherwise I would fall on the ground and would be kicked out of the club prematurely ;) So, I decided to look around and pick a decent guy who was not aiming at my intimate parts. He was pretty cool actually, which I ended up realize after we walked out. I must have been kinda bitchy to him, cause I was soooo tired! He actually tried to talk to me, asked me questions, told me few times I was hot and looked great, and so on. Which is a rather big change from being treated like you are nothing by the person you are supposedly in a relationship with, or were. And his hands never wondered, never pushed, never left the right places to be. And he even kissed me on the forehead and the cheek a couple of times, which was soooooo cute. And I was not scared he was gonna push me on the ground or say something really offensive. It was a different feeling. BUt good different :D So I gave him my phone number and told him to call me the next day if he wanted to go out with me. I guess I was a little weird trying to get away, but I knew i better leave before he tries anything else and spoil the night. SO we walked home in the fucking rain/snow or whatever the heck this shitty thing coming from the sky was, and were freezing our tighs like it was winter. in April! So I did manage to get to my room with my feet killing me slowly. And i found out he called twice, but no message. So me being all tipsy and nice, I called back and left a nice message, dam dam dum dam. And went to bed as a good girl to freeze in my bed under 3 blankets and with a couple of large stuffed animals waiting for 10 am to call that shitty number which I am fucking tired of calling.
The bitching is about the fact that according to my girlfriends, there is a 3 day official waiting period for a guy to call you after you have met him. For some guys, like the last one, it is all a joke and they never call. Others do. He called. But it was late at night, he was tipsy, and he thought I was smashed, so he probably hoped for a lay that night. I really hate games though. I mean, ok, so why would you call one night and then not call the next day? Cause if you like someone and you are single, you would call for a date, and take it from there. I know I would not call him, cause this time I will be a nice traditional girl and will let the guy work for me before I be a totally modern equal cool chick who shares the responsibility of calling back and keeping the magic going. SO now, my pride will make me wait for the next few days, until next weekend, when I will probably go to a nice club, listen to nice music, dance like crazy, hook up with someone, give him my phone number, and wait for him to call. I hate waiting, that's the only thing. It's true it annoying the dying hell out of me, but better waiting than thinking about that person who has too much problems to even try to communicate with the person whose life he completely fucked up. Waiting is annoying, but keeps me from trouble. SO if giving a number, and waiting a week is what takes to keep me safe for the next 4 weeks till I get the hell of that shitty room, I will do this and fucking take the best out of it. Now I have a new safety plan. Motherfucking bullshit crapface theories!

These scary nights with scary thoughts

2005-03-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

The alarm goes off. All I can think about is, "Fuck, not again! I hate that shitty job in that shitty time. What's wrong with just sleeping all night like normal people." But, I am nowhere near being normal. Whenever the nightmares are not waking me up every 15 min, it would be the pain, or something minor, and if all that is perfect, then it would be the job! It would be cool if it was some good exciting job that makes a difference, but standing for 8 hours in an office trying not to fall asleep is not my definition of a worthy job. But the thought of getting enough money to have a great loose month in BG keeps me awake. As well as the bitching to people, and non-stop writing of e-mails. Makes me feel guilty for not drinking coffee. Around 3 am everything goes quiet. I go around to make sure noone is being a shitdisturber, and end up being bored out of my mind, cause everyone is asleep in their rooms, not on msn, or having sex. Whatever they choose, the important point is that they are not awake. And then comes the worst time of my week.
I hate them. They come slowly and fill every corner of my exhausted conscious. They make others come too, and it all becomes a chaotic danceshow on the dancefloor of my poor existance. I try to tell them to go away, rining bells and switching to others, but they never give up. And why would they? Now is the time when they hit! Finally! After years of hiding befing their glorious siblings, now is their time to shine and take over. They don't care if they achieve the goal, it would not matter, cause then my brainwaves would be completely flat, so no more transduction of them or any of their kind would further occur. I guess they enjoy that idea of suicadility. The excitement of what is out there in the unknown forbidden land of death. They just know it will be their time to feast over my blank consciousness. I adore the thought of hopping into this mesmeric existance (or non-existance, whatever religious/spiritual believes you may hold). It's perfection. Pure perfection! Nothingness! Black nothingness! Silent black nothingness! Lonely silent black nothingness! Pure perfection! It's perfection!

That voice... spoils it all. Saying I'm stupid. Making me feel weak and out of control. That voice hates me. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself. There's nothing perfect about it. I hate that voice too. I hate all the voices. They come and go. Never stay with me. I don;t like them. I push them away. They make me keep going. They make me suffer! They make me live! I hate the voices. I hate them all. I hate me too. She is terrible. She is so crazy, paranoid! The opposite of the perfection. How can she chose the pain. Pain is bad. Pain is ugly. Pain is uncontrollable. Pain is terrifying. It's not perfect. It's not beautiful. Pain should die. Pain should stop existing. Only perfection. Perfection. Pure perfection! PERFECTION!

I hear noise from outside. Voices. Human voices. They talk. They laugh. Happy. I shake, and try to hide. DOn't want to be noticed. Ever. They go away from me. Disappear slowly. Gone. They are gone. They come and go. Human voices. Real voices. What's real? Nothing is real anymore. What's real? What's reality? There is no reality! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO REALITY!

It's gone. All is gone. Black. Noise is coming from the machine. I lose it inside my mind. The light is lost inside my mind. No noice, no light, no mind. No mind. I like it. I like it this way. It's soft. Darkness is soft. I like it touching me. Darkness is so soft. Makes it all perfect. Perfection. Great perfection. I wish it was all gone.

Knocking. Push on the door. Smile. You have to smile. Smiles make it go smooth. No smile, bother. I smile. Walking out. Away from the room. Away from it. They come with me. I cannot lock them out. They come with me. Follow me. WIll never let me go. Never. Let. Me. Go. I close my eyes. And the moment is gone. The moment is gone. All is gone. It's a vision. A perception. It's balck. All black. They stick around. Stuck to my arms. Stuck to my legs. Stuck to every part of my body. I shake. They are stuck. Blakcness. They are still there. There. There. There. Nothingness. Gone. They are gone. I am gone. Until tomorrow. Until they come back. They will never leave. Never. Ever. Only until tomorrow. Until tomorrow.

What's the real definition of friendship?

2005-03-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

These days I keep looking around trying to find a real model for friendship. And the unfortunate truth is that here friendship is a lesser form of egotism covered with chocolate cream and M&Ms to make it seem all pretty and great. So you watch Sex and the City, and you are thinking that this must be some sort of friendship, right? Cause by definition, friendship is a relationship between people who care about each other and enjoy being together, do not lie to each other and are in perfect harmony. There is one thing I have heard so many times here: You are the only one who can help you. I hate it. I totally and completely hate it. I hate the fucking hypocrycy of that whole bullshit. Cause all around you see phone numbers of help lines, the smiles of people, counsellors, everyone telling you they will help you. And noone really does. Cause they are way too concern for their own self-benefits to ever care what you do.
Someone reminded me about something from my life a couple of summers ago. I used to work in this camp for children with Autism. And you know... most of them were non-verbal, they had no social skills, or anything like that. So you would never get a thank you, or a smile back. There was no reward for what you do. Even the directors and the other counsellors would rarely say thank you, cause you know you are not doing it for them. I did it for the children. It was the most rewarding experience in my life, because it mattered not what I do and how I did it. It mattered only that the children were safe, and happy, and they received care from the heart. The money was so negligible, and the travel was 4 hours on the subway per day, but I have never felt so good about my job. Fuck the research jobs. You do not get to see the consequences of your research in the face of others. It is all so dry and meaningless.
Or this week, when we went to the play with that girl in the hospital. And she was so happy about it even though the pain was terrible, and I could see it in her eyes. but I have not laughed so hard for weeks. I have not felt so helpful and special for so long. Fuck that whole shitty success driven society. Success is bullshit. It does not matter. All that matter is the beautiful caring person inside. The person who is ready to give up her/his time and money and energy to a deed bigger than anything else. It is the happiness you give to others that makes you happy.
I am not like all these people here. I do not want glory, or success, or to get publish. I do not want to be successful in this society, because its standards are not MY standards of happiness. I am not happy hear, because all that matters to be is put low down, after the self-centered egotism. You know why people here become doctors? Not to help. Oh no, not to help. They become doctors so they can get the money, the title, the prestige, the connections. So that their parents are proud of them, so they can get a good spouse, buy a house and a car, and have a mere existance. They do it so they can smile to people all the time, but the smile has no meaning.
There was one doctor in the hospital. you can see it in her eyes. She was there not because of herself, she was there for the children. you can see it in her actions, in her smile, and in these 5 extra minutes she spends with the kid just so she can make him laugh.
I look around often and see people saved from death, who do not even value it. People who take it all for granted, cause they are used to it. And I hate myself because I have become one of these people I hate so much. I do not want to be one of them. I do not want to be one of these people whose only care is how to get a good grade, how to show how good he/she is in what they do, how to impress their boss, the prof, the other students, the government, or whatever. Everyone does everything here not because they feel it is right, but because this is what the fucking law says, and because this is what has to be done. I hate it. I hate all that fakeness in the world, and people always being nice to you. I do not want to smile anymore when I feel like crying only because you are my boss and i am scared to be fired. i do not want to be extremely nice to everyon eto make good impression. I am so so tired of all that bullshit. This is not my world. It is all so fake and hurtful. I only wish it was different. I don;t want to spend my whole life in this country. I need to go out, where people have real problems. Where their day rotates around finding food, and getting clean water, who cry over their dead children. I want reality. I want to make a difference. my life is worthless, it does not matter if I live or die anymore. It is a mere existance without importance. I just want to be able to do something that matters to someone else. I want to build a school, I want to give out condoms in Africa, I want to distribute food in Asia. I want to make a difference. I hate this world. I hate it so much. It makes me feel inferior because my goal is not to be the nicest person and the person with the highest grades and the one with the most publications and the one with the most prestige and most money and most titles. I do not want that kinda life anymore. It is not for me. I need something real. REAL.

And what does this have to do with friendship? Well, how can you have a real friendship if your entire existance is based on your drive for success?
Let me tell you a story. There is someone I know. probably the most successful person you can imagine. This person has everything we all dream of: great marks, jobs, respect, people who care, hot chicks all overhim, etc. Whatever you wanna name it, he has it all. And everyone thinks he is the best person, cause he is so nice and so helpful and so on all the time. I believed so too. I adored that person for a very long time. until the time when I really needed help. so i went to the person who seemed to be the only one strong enough to deal with me. yes but no. that person with the hugest heart, with the most helpful expression, with the big smile, was just one of these so many people who only help if it is a benefit to them, who would never go out of their way to help someone else. their help is with a purpose. their friendship is there only when they gain something from it. but once the friendship is endangering them, they would throw you away and let you exist on your own, because in their perfect world nothing should be too demanding, or too confrontational. because in their world the only rule that matter is You are the only one who can help YOU.

Revelations like that make me think that friendship is just not possible. Especially here. And I hate it so much here. Sometimes I wish i was not that smart, and that I was really poor, so I could just be real, without having to pretend. Because the more shit you got in your life, the less money you got, the bigger heart you got, the more you understand, the more you share. And I tell you that because I have been there, and I know what it is. And I do not think you do.

On the matter of... SUICIDE

2005-03-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

Here is an article from the Canadian Mental Health Association on Youth Suicide:

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Reflections on Youth Suicide

Adolescence is a time of dramatic change. The journey from child to adult can be complex and challenging. Young people often feel tremendous pressure to succeed at school, at home and in social groups. At the same time, they may lack the life experience that lets them know that difficult situations will not last forever. Mental health problems commonly associated with adults, such as depression, also affect young people. Any one of these factors, or a combination, may become such a source of pain that they seek relief in suicide. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people after motor vehicle accidents. Yet people are often reluctant to discuss it. This is partly due to the stigma, guilt or shame that surrounds suicide. People are often uncomfortable discussing it. Unfortunately, this tradition of silence perpetuates harmful myths and attitudes. It can also prevent people from talking openly about the pain they feel or the help they need.

Communication is the first essential step in assisting youths at risk of suicide. Learning the facts about suicide can help build a parent's confidence in discussing a difficult subject.

SOME MYTHS ABOUT SUICIDE

Myth: Young people rarely think about suicide.
Reality: Teens and suicide are more closely linked than adults might expect. In a survey of 15,000 grade 7 to 12 students in British Columbia, 34% knew of someone who had attempted or died by suicide; 16% had seriously considered suicide; 14% had made a suicide plan; 7% had made an attempt and 2% had required medical attention due to an attempt.

Myth: Talking about suicide will give a young person the idea, or permission, to consider suicide as a solution to their problems.
Reality: Talking calmly about suicide, without showing fear or making judgments, can bring relief to someone who is feeling terribly isolated. A willingness to listen shows sincere concern; encouraging someone to speak about their suicidal feelings can reduce the risk of an attempt.

Myth: Suicide is sudden and unpredictable.
Reality: Suicide is most often a process, not an event. Eight out of ten people who die by suicide gave some, or even many, indications of their intentions.

Myth: Suicidal youth are only seeking attention or trying to manipulate others.
Reality: Efforts to manipulate or grab attention are always a cause for concern. It is difficult to determine if a youth is at risk of suicide All suicide threats must be taken seriously.

Myth: Suicidal people are determined to die.
Reality: Suicidal youth are in pain. They don't necessarily want to die; they want their pain to end. If their ability to cope is stretched to the limit, or if problems occur together with a mental illness, it can seem that death is the only way to make the pain stop.

Myth: A suicidal person will always be at risk.
Reality: Most people feel suicidal at some time in their lives. The overwhelming desire to escape from pain can be relieved when the problem or pressure is relieved. Learning effective coping techniques to deal with stressful situations can help.

WHO IS AT RISK

In Canada, suicide is the second highest cause of death for youth aged 10-24. Each year, on average, 294 youths die from suicide. Many more attempt suicide. Aboriginal teens and gay and lesbian teens may be at particularly high risk, depending on the community they live in and their own self esteem.

Suicide is a complex process. The cause can seldom be attributed to one single factor, such as the death by suicide of a rock star or family break-up. It may be a routine event or an overwhelming one that overloads a vulnerable youth's coping mechanisms. As well, new research suggests that there may be a genetic link to suicide. A family history of suicidal behaviour should be taken into account, if for no other reason than the young person may have been affected by this behaviour in the past.

Suicidal youth rarely make a direct plea for help. But most will exhibit warning signs. Here are some of these signs:

Sudden change in behaviour (positive or negative)
Apathy, withdrawal, change in eating patterns
Unusual preoccupation with death or dying
Giving away valued personal possessions
Signs of depression; moodiness, hopelessness
One or more previous suicide attempts
Recent attempt or death by suicide by a friend or a family member

TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE

Warning signs are an invitation to communicate. A direct, straightforward response is most effective. Ask your child if he or she is contemplating suicide; no matter what you hear, try not to be judgmental, shocked or angry. Do not communicate your personal attitudes about suicide; instead, offer support and reassurance that suicidal feelings do not last forever. Seek the assistance of a trained professional as soon as possible.

Your child's school may have protocols to follow in the case of a suicide attempt or death by suicide. It is important that the suicide is not romanticised or glamourised. Instead, teachers are encouraged to discuss with students the characteristics and events that can lead to suicide, and to explore with them all the other options that exist. But school should not be the only source of help. For parents, an attempted suicide or death by suicide in their child's circle of friends presents an opportunity to explore their child's stress levels and methods of coping. Dramatic statements emphasising the parent's horror and fear "of suicide are best avoided. It is more effective to express a willingness to talk and to be supportive, no matter what may be happening in the child's life.

WHERE TO GO FOR MORE INFORMATION

Check with your local library for books that can help you understand suicide. Helpful resources on the Internet include:
THE CANADIAN HEALTH NETWORK: www.canadian-health-network.ca
The Canadian Mental Health Association: www.cmha.ca
Suicide Information and Education Centre: www.siec.ca/

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So am I talking about this? Why not? It is that thing we always hear about, but we never want to talk about, because it is too scary, and too painful. And talking about it is the only way to figure out ourselves. I know much more about it than most people my age, because I have delt with it on so many levels. I have had a few friends who have been suicidal many times. One of them suffered from heavy depression... He was completely out of it... Hallucinations, delusions, etc. I have been with him at least 5 times when he wanted to do it. I would plead, I would swear at him, I would beg him, hate him, love him, say everything I thought would help. He never ended up doing it. The reason: "I am too much of a pussy to do it. If I were not, I would have already done it million times." I never understood him, because I always believed that it is impossible for someone to hate himself and the world THAT much, as to go against the instinct of self-preservation. He thought of hanging himself, but this is probably the hardest way. He also thought about overdose, but for someone who lives on drugs, it would be ridiculous to kill himself with an overdose. And a gun or some other weapon did not work. Someone very close to me tried to kill herself a couple of years ago. I hardly ever talk about that ever. It hurts too much. It hurts to know this person asked you for help and there was nothing you could do. And you just let her do it. It hurts. So much. It makes me cry every single time I think about it. I can hardly talk to other people about it... I state it as a fact, but I cannot talk about it.... And there was another one... The person I was with for some time tried to kill himself twice. It was before meeting me, so I had no power, but it made me think like everyone around me is so low down that they have no desire to live. It scares the living hell out of me to know that so many people I have loved have tried to hurt themselves. It makes me feel like I am attracted to people who are miserable, or that I connect with them on a level that make them confine in me about the darkest thoughts and deeds.
You wanna know if I have ever tried it? No. Have I had the thoughts? Yes. Many times. Reason: because there is only that much of bullshit in life you can take. And after awhile, you just give up, and you wish you could escape all the hardship, and never feel anything again. Being dead is beautiful, its peaceful, its so easy. It's a state in which nothing matters. There is no pain, no fear, no stress. yes, there is also no love and friendship and happiness, but the NOTHINGNESS is what is the beautiful in it. Sometimes I say: "One day I will be dead and nothing will ever matter, and I will be floating into the nothingness feeling nothing." I am fascinated by the idea of nothingness. It's all the troubles and stress of my current life. Everything going horrible in one day, and wonderful on the next. It's the confusion, the fast change of moods and events that make me cherish the lack of everything. It's like sleep, but without the nightmares and the awareness of your environment. Death is so beautiful. I am not scared of it. I desire it, but not for the reasons they did. They wanted to die because they felt like their lives did not matter, like they were worthless. He took the pills because he was ashamed of himself. She injected herself because she believed she was a burden for others and brought them misery. He cut his wrists because he saw no reason to keep living. They all had a reason to die dictated by something terribly dark in their lives. I do have terrible things happening to me, but I still belive that my life has a purpose, that I do have some importance for someone, that I have destiny to fulfill. I admire death because of the beauty it carries, not because it is the escape from the darkness. They were afraid to die. They desired it, but were so afraid. I am not. For me, it is a passion... A miracle... a drive... it is the last stage in the circle of life. It is so beautiful...

If you know someone who is considering suicide, or you are considering suicide yourself, or you just want to talk about it, I would not mind having the talk. Death is scary only if we are afraid of it. It because a problem only when we are with the wrong conceptions. But death is beautiful. So beautiful.

Empowerment

2005-03-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

What is the role of the mother when you are 21? It is to listen when you need to talk to someone, to be there for you without pushing you, but to know when to push when she feels you will benefit from sharing. And most importantly, to show you she respects you as a person and as independent individual who has a strong instinct and the intelligence to make the right decision about situations. And she is there to tell you that you need to believe in yourself, because you have enough to pride yourself with and should not put yourself down just because people have low opinion on you or put you down for their own pleasure.
This is exactly what my mom did today. She kept calling the whole evening and day to talk to me, and recalled me, leaving messages asking where I am and what I do. And when I tried to avoid the conversation, she kept pushing me delicately, saying that she knows I want to talk, and she is there to listen. My mom has a very subtle way to push you towards things. She is nice and jokes around, like she dpes not take it seriously, but she directs you towards it and manipulates you so at the end you feel trapped and cannot avoid the questions. I think I have inherited my psychological counselling manipulative abilities from her ;)
So I ended up telling her about the two things that have been bothering me, and which I have been upset about. So she listened, and then gave her opinion. It was interesting, because first she suggested something, and when I told her what I thought I should do, she said that I have a much better idea of what should be done. For the second thing she also said that my decision is much better. I appreciated the acceptance. And i also appreciated her telling me that it is not my fault, and that I am not the bad person in the situation, and that these people have tried to take advantage of me and I have not allowed them to do this. She kept saying that I need to believe in myself, and the way she said it was so empowering because I could feel she actually believed it. She also said that it is her own opinion not just because she is my mother, but because of her seeing me as an independent person and also from what other people have told her about me, that I am a very intelligent person and I have the inner instinct and the strength to fight for myself and overcome the difficulties. She also said that people will try to put me down because they want me to be down, to shut me up, and to make me suffer because they do not have what I have, and that I should not care about them, because they are ignorant senseless dumb people who do not deserve any pity and who are too low for me to try to deal with them after I have tried so many times. I really needed to hear this from her. It was a very strong statement coming from her, and definitely gave me the power to look more critically on the issues and believe in myself.
Empowerment coming from the people who care about me is all I need from them. If I have the confidence in myself, I can overcome everything. And no matter how much people want to see me down and suffering and enjoy putting me down especially when I am so vulnerable and sensitive, I can still stang up strong and prove I am worth priding myself in me. And if people do not see beyonf the dust others throw over me, then they are not worth it either.

Yes, I do feel confident right now, and I go ni ni :D

Dim Sum

2005-03-06T17:53:00.000-05:00

Before I forget! The name of that thing is Rice Noodle, or Chong Fang pronounced in a very special accent.
It was very interesting. Line up was huge, but we got a lot of food. And my friend who is purely Canadian tried a bunch of stuff and I think she liked them. I had something else, which looked like a pancake, but not exactly sure. And we chatted for a while. I totally adore my friend's bf! he is so amazing! A very nice guy, very respectful, very intelligent, careful, open-minded, understanding, great chatter, just everything I would pick for her! So I am very happy to see them together. We exchanged opinions on professions and education and politics and so forth, so was an overall very nice experience :) He is lovely. I do not think I would be able to date a guy like that because he is a little too calm and conservative for me, but I am glad he is my friend's boyfriend. DEfinitely a nice experience to see a guy with somany good qualities :D You see, I am not discriminating against guys, I am being very accepting of nice guys and disinterested of males I do not get along with. I got standards. Which are not that hard to be met at all :)

BG stuff

2005-03-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

So, we did go to the airport, but we didn;t even go inside, cause my mom's place came an hour earlier!!! Why this never happens to me when I travel, i am always hours late. So she was waiting for us, and we just picked her up. It was a little disappointing, because I really love waiting and this excitement you get is quite nice. But anyways. She talked non-stop wow. So we were like, ok lets just listen about the whole thing. but she dd not stop for the whole evening. I wish he had asked me about me... or maybe it was better not to, cause I did not want to complain right after she comes.
She brought us so much stuff :D I got cute socks, and bath robe which is so colourful :D And I got a bag, and sweets, and jewellery, and cards, and so many other things! And I got a bottle of very special sweet cherry wine, which I am going to share with my friends because I have been telling them how good our alcohol is, cause it is so strong :D Oh, I got few newspapers and magazines to show around, cause I have been telling people how beautiful Bulgarian girls are, so I better show some :) My cousin got my dad an issue of Bulgarian Playboy, which was so totally ridiculous ha ha ha :D veyr bad if you ask me ;) Oh, and that teen magazine mom got for us, it's so weird... like the things they talk about. The language even sounds os weird and foreign to me... I cant understand why, but it is true that people do accept languages differently. OH! I got martenizis!!! This is a white and red strings made of cotton. We hang them on our hands and clothes for health and peace and prosperity. So if you see me around wearing weird stuff, don't worry, it's just what it is ;) So this is this.
And now i go eat Dim Sum :D

blubber

2005-03-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

kamen. screams. abuse. pain. torture. more. pain. creation. absurdy. death. symbols. pretence. false. careless. emotion. wild. blutantly. stare. hope. failure. help. loneliness. sex. despise. destroy. live. hatred. kill. stop. panic. devotion. fear. worth. appreciation. no. belief. trust. depression. wish. matters. stage. hey. pitty. recovery. pass. time. stong. hurt. ?. access. ability. counsellor. peace. white. sense. passion. lie. anonymous. dizzy. smile. power. end. heart. friend. stone. sleep. dream. energy. flower. kiss. night. memory. association. destiny. synopsis. territory. synergy. fake. blanker. nightmare. warm. floating. bold. pride. discrimination. scared. imagine. contribution. addiction. love. help. ruin. stigma. minority. activism. suicide. incarnation. spirit. Jesus. harmony. reality. disturbance. hospital. child. scenario. hold. pesticide. tranquilizer. you. lava. cord. shock. lecture. tears. die. fast. stand. pills. doom. curse. despot. truth. istina. temperament. me. subsidy. holograph. moose. light. instance. deep. forever. mentality. status. surprise. dare. stable. lunatic. space. air. water. breathe. world. stars. dust. molecule. alive. emptiness. doctrine. blinking. nothingness. loop. doubling. charisma. pain. hurt. body. soul. mind. friend. sterile. mother. pregnancy. abortion. emergency. condom. gladiator. Toscany. estrange. careful. bonfire. flame. system. altogether. cornelius. home. mountain. sky. sun. river. waterfall. green. village. open. eyes. beauty. nature. final. step. heaven.

Airport!!!

2005-03-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

I love it so much!!! And I am really excited, this time in a very positive way, to see my mom coming back from Europe. I felt like I really missed her. Even though we talked a lot on the phone, and I barely talked to my dad cause we are both so busy, it is still good to know she is back :D And she told me she bought me a lot of stuff, so I am really excited to see that too :D No! It is not the presents I want! haha, i don;t mind presents, but they have never been a big deal for me. But I am definitely happy she is coming back. I like talking to her now, because at least I know they finally realized that they cannot change my life, but they can make it better by supporting me, accepting me, and just being there for me to listen, or do things together. I am really proud of my parents for being this way now, even though we still cannot live together.
And just on time for Mom's day this tuesday. I am thinking to invite her to lunch with me somewhere, and buy her flowers and a card and maybe her favourite parfume. She probably has everything already, but it would be nice! And we have always celebrated Mom's day by her cooking us something special, and I want to do something different this time. We have gone a long was in the past year, so I really feel I have the need to show her I do care about her and I love her. I am really hoping we can do that :D
And I love going to the airport, even though I rarely flight :( But I think unless something changes in the next few days, I will ask my parents to buy me a ticket to Europe for April 30 or May 1-2, and I hope I can go through Amsterdam and stay there for a while :D
I really really really need to get out of here for some time, because otherwise, I feel like I am gonna exlode soon from all that stress. Change is good! And nothing better than telling my friends I am going to see them in a month :D They will freak out! I will go visit all of them in their universities in Bulgaria, spend some wild time with them, catch up, hook up with cute guys, see my relatives, and do one :D I am really excited about going to BG :D I hope it will work out!!! And if not, I am definitely taking a trip somewhere else. By bus or train :D Maybe Calgary? Edmonton? or Winnipeg? I even have friends there so its gonna be so nice :D so excited :D :D :D

Let's talk about.... ENEMIES!

2005-03-02T01:26:00.000-05:00

So today I watched a movie called The Face of the Enemy. It was about how we create a strong aversion towards nations or people based on social construction and outer influence. The images, the propaganda, the constant repetiotion by every important person around makes you construct a reality in which US and THEY are two opposing sides, and you need to hate THEM, because if you do not hate them and hurt them, and exterminate them, you cannot exist. But game theory has proven that it is a cooperation that is needed for mutual success. So, as an end point, cooperate!

And of course, social psychology always has an effect on me. huge success from the last movie since I did not lecture myself and were not totally upset and were not crying for an hour after and did not run in my friend's room to calm me down. Which is another proof I am rather in a good condition, regretfully for everyone who would enjoy seeing me down in the dust. Sorry, not gonna happen. And if it does, noone is gonna know :D

Back to the movie and cooperation. It is our percepion of the individual that makes us defensive or not. The first impression does matter. Especially if it is a really good one. Then you practically prefer not to change it later on, because who wants to make a good person seem bad? Even privately, we do percieve ourselves. So that tides up to my usual forgiveness and belief that everyone is a good person inside and everyone deserves a second chance. No wonder it is so hard for me to be really mad at someone for a long time. It takes really a lot to make me really upset or angry at you. I may be neutral, but never angry. It;s a good thing though, keeps me from having all these negative feelings against all these people who have done bad things to me. And makes me happier. And makes me a better person :)
I guess this is why I still have these human perceptions of him regardless of everything. After things have gone better, I just see it as a distant memory without real importance. And I wonder, have I really learnt from it? Because I feel like I have not, and I am scared it will happen again and again. They say this is a normal reaction, but I am still feeling like I am stupid and not careful enough. But it also takes a lot for people to come close to me. I kinda do not really care. Of course the people who were with me and were supportive and showed me they love me are they and I love them, and I trust them, but the others... the ones who were not involved and the ones who are new in my life I just do not care about. I think my attitude right now is not to put any effort to be close with anyone. I have enough good qualities for everyone who is interested to be my friend to approach me. If they really want, I am open for it. If not, their loss. I am not gonna go after them. For friendship or other relationships. Especially intimate relationships. People who do not try for me are just not worth my energy. It makes me confident, and protects me from regrets later on. No, I do not have regrets about it, I would probably do the exact same things. I do not want to change the past. I want to change the future. And it is a really empowering sense to see it all working again... really amazing...

hmm, ok i got distracted and forgot my thought... will add more later :D

Nina's Top 20 anti-destroyance Tactics

2005-02-28T03:38:00.000-05:00

A little compilation I made for a friend of mine on Biome (!), which ends up being rather useful for my own personal purposes as well, and of course, feel free to steal any of them if required. Interestingly enough, I came up with them in less than 5 min. The wonders of what experience can do to you. SO here we go:

1) sleep
2) shop
3) watch TV (the more stupid the better)
4) talk to friends
5) gor for a walk
6) go to the gym
7) make plans for the future
8) make a list of the places you want to visit someday
9) look though university sites for good opportunities
10) go to work (yes,it does help)
11) read some really cool book
12) read about other people's problems (I can borrow you my life, it will make you feel like your life is a paradise )
13) bitch at the person who made you feel shitty
14) make generalizations and try them out on other people
15) go clubbing and hook up with random people
16) call your best friends in a row and tell them what happened (after the 10ths time, the story gets kinda boring and you just move on)
17) do the things you always wanted to do but never had time for: painting, meeting new people, browsing thrhough your CDs)
18) write poetry, or on your blog or anything that would allow you to make feel better
19) don;t talk to people, tell them to fuck off and just stay in your room for a while staring at the walls. it happens cause then you can be the true you
20) make a list of your real friends, your best qualities, what you want, what you hate, etc.

Yes, I have tried all of them. All have worked and not worked in some time/mood. My favourite are 13, 14, 15, 19. But the higher in the less, the better coping you have ;)

It's all a product of subconsciousness

2005-02-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

You know how dreams sometimes bring on the surface something you have hidded inside, or maybe just an interpretation of reality, or maybe a confusion, hope, desire. It's a mixture of reality and past and present and future. Mine are really vivid, so often they can influence my whole thinkinging during this day, and even sometimes makes me do things just to check if it is any true at all.

So last night I had that very weird dream. It involved a person I used to love dearly, but things have been getting worse and worse, and especially after. We still chat sometimes, but I am just interested in having a relationship of any kind with him. The dream was about me walking into some kind of waiting room or something, or maybe my room... We talked about stuff, and I made rather weird referrals to our past, which is weird, because I never talk about this with him anymore. So, we talked, and got rather upset. And he got up and came to me and hugged me and was so gentle with me, kissed me on the cheek, and tried to dry my tears with his lips. All I could say was, "Don't, just don't". And even though I knew he was doing it to comfort me, I felt like he was caring about me. And I know that no matter how he acts and how nice he is, he is just someone who I cannot rely on for anything. I wanted to scream and run away, but I could not. I felt so weak allowing him to do that. And so scared. I hate the fear! I hate it so much :/ I hate feeling this need to be cared for and to be with someone. It is an expression of how vulnerable I can be when someone goes overboard with the niceness in an intimate situation. So here is something to work on. Because I know that being so vulnerable will put me in the same situation again. And I will hate myself if I ever allow anyone to treat me that way again.

Remains

2005-02-23T23:43:00.000-05:00

I still have to figure out why people get pleasure from putting down others. I don''t quite understand it yet. I would, if it was a defense, but it is not. They like just putting people down. I wonder if I do it still. I know I do when I try to defend myself, but do I do it when I am not defending myself? I just wish everyone was a little more respectful, and accepting.

Activist. This is what I have become. I do not shut up and stay in the corner feeling inferior. I talk to people. I fight with them. Exploring a constant fight for the better brings so much pain. There is nothing harder than trying to educate and challenge people who have conservative views and stigmatize, and generalize. Of course I do it too. But I keep catching myself these days in accepting the other's opinion. I do not feel the need to attack people all the time. If I believe strongly in something, I would argue, and it is bloody, but if I do not, I would just support both positions equally. It just has become a part of me to question the stigmatizations. Here is an example: you know how Paris Hilton;s stuff was hacked. It is so painful. And I put myself in her place. Being disrespected, categorized as slutty and being trashed. Noone deserves that. People make mistakes, but who is to say what she does is wrong. Who is to judge? It is her life, her choice, she suffers the consequences. Why do people care that much? Why do they want to push her down and make her feel guilty, and make her seem like a dirty whore. Who are they to judge? They do not know what is in her mind. They do not know if she is doing it to protect herself or save herself. Just accept her for who she is and like her and dislike her without putting her down. Is it so hard to be nice and undderstanding? Is it so important to always be right and show the other your power? Where is the acceptance? Where is the humanity?

And I saw it today... It is my destiny. There is nothing more important in my life right now than educating people, protecting minorities and giving other people a chance. Everyone deserves respect, everyone deserves to be cared for and accepted. None should feel wrong about themself. It is them that matters, and if other people do not like you, they can just fuck off, because they do not deserve to be around you.

I feel a minority everywhere I go. I guess I am in a way. Because it is so hard to be believed and made feel accepted and understood and not judged and not blamed. I've never before put so much importance on what I believe, and how I feel right. I have never been so protective of myself. I do not want to be hurt again. I do not want to judge myself ever again. I do not want to let anyone to ever make me doubt myself, and feel bad about myself. Because the only reason for two people to not be interacting is because they are incompatible, and not because one of them is bad, or both are bad. We all make mistakes. And it is enough how much we suffer for them to have other people blaming us and making us feel cheap and guilty. I really want to never allow anyone to put me down, and make me feel insecure and afraid. Because no matter who I am, what I do, what I believe it, I am me. And me is what saved me. Believing in myself and being able to resist outer influences when I was most vulnerable saved me. And if I ever give up, I better die.

The first night REALLY out after!!!

2005-02-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

So, I decided to use my inability to get out of bed (for obvious reasons) and put that down before I sobber out completely and forget.
Last night was GREAT! Totally great!
We went for dinner to that Italian place, but gosh it was expensive, and the pasta was not that good. But I had Sex on the Beach, and after a while it did not really matter :D Probably because I have not had anything to eat the whole day, but that vodka inthere kinda hit me off. I mean, I usually need 4-5 drinks to get tipsy, and this time even one could do it. We waited almost an hour to get inside 5ive. Everyone was so freezing, but meh! There were all these super cute kids, I loved them totally. One of the guys was so hot omg! But I missed him after we got in. Yeah, we did have few drinks... But I LOVE that place! I am not even joking! The music, the people, the athmosphere! Everything was just amazing! I had such a great time. Mainly because I saw few friends, one of them even had Bday that night, so was fun. And we hung out together, and was pretty cool. And the dancing ha ha :D Been awhile since I last got on dirty dancing and lapdances. :D but was cool, cause was just the two of us, and noone else really touched me. Well, I mean, the usual stuff, but in a gay club you know they are doing it purely for the fun :D And it was tones of fun! And I found out my friend got engaged! Isn;t that great! I am so happy for her and her girl! They are such a cute couple! What else... oh it was hot, very very hot. I loved the performances! And the best is that everyone there was just having fun, noone cared about who dressed how and all that bullshit! Next time I need to invite my gay friend from high school, he is gonna hook up so many time! And he is cute ;) So was great! I am so going again and again! now they do it every 3 weeks, so perfect timing ;)
And on the way back *cough*... Well, I definitely did sing my lungs out, and barely walked, and we were skating on the frozen parts of Queen's Park :D honestly, I have not had such good time since DEcember. And I definitely needed some fun and hook ups :D So yeah...
And of course, every time when I am drunk,I do something embarrassing, so this time it was telling someone stuff. I mean, why would I even consider that! It's bullshit. But oh well, I know I do shit like that when drunk :/ Who cares anyways right. I just need to make sure I do not do it on Friday, cause that would be way too risky.
Ok, so I need to get out of here and get food and start studying!
*mwa*

Beat the settle to warn the donkey

2005-02-18T20:55:00.000-05:00

I dunno how to translate this in English, but this is it in Bulgarian :D
Here is the story for today. I did not know about the personal experiences of my "friend", but I heard some stories here and there and put the pieces together. So how much it takes to realize that you are being led on and used? I mean, a wonderful person to be used and played with... This is so sad. I am sad for him. I mean, I know he is a guy, and guys are stupid enough to think that cute girls who are nice to them would like them, but are you completely blind? So she can be nice to you, and make you do everything for her, and make you her fool, and you will believe she is your best friend. Until one day she decides she is bored of you now, and she needs a new toy. So then, completely heart broken, you would go to another girl like that, who plays around with you and uses you to get better after breaking up with someone. And it is obvious for everyone that she does not really want to be with you, but you have the secret hopes she will be not like the previous one. And you allow all these girls to get on top of your head just to satisfy your needs to be with a girl, because you hvae decided not to date anyone until you achieve your goals. I do not know if this is the truth and the whole story, but this is what I have heard. And I am so sorry that this person is not seeing it. And you know what hurts me most? That this person ignores and leaves his other friends who are not that cute and hot and sexy. I mean, does all of his girl friends need to be gorgeous for him to be friends with them? I feel that I have been lied. Because I respected that person before. I still love him even though we are not friends anymore. But seeing him being played with and hurt and used breaks my heart. I wish it was all just an assumption. But knowing him, i do not think it is. Why would he be so shallow in his relationships and be friends only with the sexy chicks and hurting the more honest and sincere yet not that hot of us? I feel sorry for him. I pity him. And I am sure if he knows that, he would feel disgusted by himself. Because he hates being pitied almost as much as I do.

Nightmares, delusions, halucinations, progressive music, apathy

2005-02-16T22:57:00.000-05:00

So HAPPY READING WEEK!!! YEY!
I have no idea where it went. It's Wednesday night, and let's just say that I am nowhere in my plans. Sleeping 14+ hours a day and skipping work is not the best way to spend your reading week, but honestly, I do not really care much either. Creating a bubble around myself is a good way to prepare myself for the incoming impact, no matter of what sort such an impact would be.
Now I kind of regret that I am in psychology. I know every single rule, every single step. People are so predictable. And exactly why I prefer not to say certain things, because I know what the result would be. I mean, if I go to someone and tell them I sleep 14+ hours of day, they will tell me I have clinical depression. Well guess what! I have not felt so well for weeks! Low energy and sleep may be due to the fact that I hardly got more than 6 hours of sleep last week per night, and that nightmares are not exactly the best way to spend your nights. But, who cares if I fill one of the criterions to be diagnosed. Nothing better than giving me the diagnosis and prescribing me some lovely meds. Hey, I have half of bottle of pure vodka in my fridge, and a bunch of pills. Isn;t that much better to take than anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Oh, no, of course not! We know everything. We got a degree and we can help you. Bullshit. All of that is bullshit. I know better than any of them what I need. What do they want? At least now I am up, I can go out without fearing every single person, and without looking at the ground scared that my look will meet someone else's . I did this by myself! So back off me with your disgusting pills. If I wanted drugs, al I had to do is send an e-mail to my friend down in Florida and make him send me some shit. And if he is not around, I can easily get some stuff. I mean in res for god's sake. I can get whatever I want. And if I want some hard stuff, like coke, I will just call my BG jackasses. There is nothing easier than getting high on anything you want. People will take your money and let you kill yourself. I am sick of that bullshit.

Want me to be more positive? Sure, I will be :D
So how was your lovely day? Mine was great! I was woken up by phone calls, and then went to the lovely embassy to get my great papers for my international passport so I can fly to BG in May. Isn;t that the best news ever! I am so happy and excited!. And I also got to sleep and watch that great movie! And guess what! For once, I had only one nightmare :D I love it! I am so much better! And I talked to people, and my life was great today and I love everyone.
Happier now that you have seen me being positive and optimistic and happy again? Well, you better be, cause I am fucking sick of that pretending. You want me to tell you I am fine? yes I am. but it is not your business.
Or wait, maybe you are one of these motherfuckers I know who enjoy seeing me completely down in my mind. Wanna hear how myc shitty day went today?
SO the shitty phone rang and I had to jump out of bed and wait 2 fucking hours at the fucked up little annoying embassy being kissass nice to that fucked up annoying grandma who was trying to tell me I can not do anything without her approval. And then I fucked up again and went to bed to dream that shitty episode again. And guess what! Fuck I slept till like 5 pm, and now I am so grossed out of the whole TV watching time, that I need to get high to go to bed. And all these weird people talking to me, like wtf is wrong with the world!
SO happy now that I am miserable? Well I am glad you are.

Cause honestly, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE!
I was gonna start ditching at the world, but what's the point right. I can feel whenever is appropriate to feel. I can say and do whatever is desirable. To save others the uncomfortability of dealing with my reality. Or maybe i have no reality at all and it all is just delusions and halucinations. BOOM! No reality. So now you can construct my reality, and I will just be your little puppet on a string. Would you be happy then? Eh? Would you be? That I am completely compliant and live according to the rules in your perfect harmonic world? Eternal love and friendhsip for everyone. And you all can lick your asses and pretend.

It's all so fake. It's all so bullshit. Too bad you are too closed-minded, antisocial, withdrawn and fake to even understand what I am talking about.

Have a lovely day, dear. I love you too :D

Exercises for the self

2005-02-14T03:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you go to these places, beside listening and asking for more details and asking rhetorical questions, they will make you do some constructive stuff. They will make you list things, write down, take it home and stare at it for a while. These little cards become a way to counteract your destructive thoughts and behaviours. It uses the power of convincing. If you are one of these people who believe psychology is total bullshit, maybe you would be interested to hear what they have to say. Of course, being low down is not the bect time to construct your own strategy, but at least they do provide some kind of strategy. Better than nothing. Better than circulating thoughts and having nightmares.
Oh, so I did not tell you the exciting news? Yeah, I do get nightmares. Pretty vivid sometimes. In all of them, there is a remote connection. I get hooked up and react quite strongly, probably more than in real life. And of course there is the eliment of escape, a lot of fear and all these questions which still do not have answers to. Sometimes I wish people definied space as not only physical, but also virtual and in fantasies. But even I cannot control my nightmares.
So lets get back to the little exercises I was given.

The first one was about what I want from my Friends and Supportive people.
Here is the list I kinda came up with (with some directionality help of course):
1) Accept my decisions without questioning
2) Not telling me I should have done something, not blaming me for what happened, not making me feel guilty for not seeing in the future and preventing it
3) Don't judge me. It is my life. Not much you can do to convince me, considering the fact who you are dealing with (e.g. ME, and we all know how stubborn I am when I want to be)
4) Be there for me whenever I need you. I will come to you when I feel like it.
5) Tell me straight up if you cannot help me, and do not act like a total jerk, leaving me in doubt and frustration. I do not need to feel worse than I already do.
6) Don't be curious about the details. I will tell you whenever I am ready. DO not push me, because the more you ask, the more defensive I am
7) Spend time with me without talking about it. Make me do things we have talked about in the past, or we like to do together. I really need people around me right now, who are supportive yet not abrusive.
8) Do not get upset at me for little things. And do not freak on me when I tell you what happened, because I have had enough of that already.
9) Believe me!!! I know it sounds impossible, and it is hard to get it to your mind, but it DID HAPPEN. And it happened to me, your friend. So instead of asking me if I am sure I interpreted the situation in a negative way (which honestly is very impossible when you have agreeance from both sides), just be accepting and try to understand how I feel. I know it is impossible since it did not happen to you, and I know it is hard for you as well, but I will appreciate more you trying to be with me, than dumping me right away.
10) Please do not throw me away as a person and a friend just because I have come to you for help. I do have a serious reason. And if you cannot deal with it, back off. I really do not need people who pretend they can help, but just make it worse. Just be there for me whenever I need you, and back off whenever I need to be alone. I do not want to obsess your life, but I do need you as a friend. I need to know that people believe me, and trust me, and still love me, and do not blame me, and do not think I am guilty for what happened, and hate me because they are afraid I will jeopardize their own lives. If there is one thing I hate about people, it is egotism. I know we need to think about ourselves first, but there must be some kind of altruism, and real friendship left in each of us, so when the other person needs us, we can at least try. Isn;t that exactly why we are human?

There was a similar exercise. But this time the list was about what Nina wants from Nina:
1) I want to get up in the morning smiling and not being negative and depressed and only thinking about what happened. Because the past is past. And the present is present. And the future is future. It is true that the three are too connected and all determine my life, but I cannot allow either the past or the future to govern my life. I need to keep going no matter what. Otherwise, what is the point of living?
2) I need to understand that what happened before it, IT, and after it is NOT my fault. There was nothing wrong I did to make it happen. It was not my fault. It was a product of factors, and I was the one to deal with the situation maturily. It was not me who let it happen.
3) I need to understand that it was not a weakness, it was not loss of control! Maybe it saved my life. Because if I acted differently, maybe I would not be here now.
4) I need to trust myself, and believe my instinct and rationality. Because for the millionth time I proved myself that I am stronger than I know, I know myself better than anyone else, and I am able to control myself and make myself deal with any situation. I AM strong. and I KNOW.
5) I need to stop caring what others say or do. They do not matter. They were not the ones it happened to. They do not know. They do not understand. They do not feel. They cannot tell me how I feel or what should I do. They have no power. Because this is my life, and whatever I do, I do it or myself.
6) I need to stop trying to keep people in my life. It is too much effort for worthless goals. If someone really cares about me, and appreciates me, they would not turn their back one me, would not walk away, would not call me names, and make me feel bad. They would stay with me and show me they care. Because it is not true that people do not know what to do. They do. They can at least ask what I need from them, why i went to them for help. If they say they cannot handle it, it means they do not want to, not that they cannot. Because nothing is impossible in life.
7) I need to just relax, and take it very slow, and forget about putting so much pressure on myself. The world can rotate without me being always on top of things and dealing with everything. I need to be patient. Because it will take time to recover, and maybe I will never be the same person again. So let's just take it very slow and enjoy what we have.
8) I need to understand that I am worth more than what I think. I need self-confidence. Because I deserve it. I have more than many people, and I deserve better than being treated the way I was treated by this person and many of my so called "friends". Because if I do not stand up for myself, noone else would. And I should never sell myself shortly in any situation. Because myself is all I have. And If this means to be bitchy, then I better be a bitch than being a victim again.
9) I need to be even pickier than I am now. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I deserve. So why allow anyone to slide around these requirements? I need to get it to my mind that what others say is bullshit. I am the only one who knows what is best for me, and if I do not feel comfortable with it, then it will not be done. Noone deserves me if they do not give what I give. Reciprocity is the root of all relationships. And if there is no reciprocity, there is no person.
10) I need to learn to be alone. I do not need people around me all the time. Being alone is good. I know it is scary, and I know it may be even dangerous right now, but step by step the fear will go away, and then I will be able to just enjoy myself. I have already been going towards this for a whole month now. Just let's keep it this way in happier times too.

I need to keep coming back to these lists, so that I start getting myself :/

A lesson about life

2005-02-03T23:07:00.000-05:00

When something extremely dramatic happens in your life, it makes you change your whole perception of yourself and the world. And then come the circles. Stages, which seem comepletely contradictory, and yet you have to go through them.
The first stage is a shock. You don;t believe it happened. And you do not believe it happened to YOU. It's a stage of denial. Like nothing happened. You hardly remember, it seems like it does not effect you... You try to rationalize and move away... FORGET. It feels like you have dissociated from yourself.
The second stage comes when the thoughts come back. It's reliving the experience, trying to understand what happened, it;s like a depression in a way, but there is guilt, blame, misunderstanding, feeling weird. Like every time you think about what happened, you fall into a hole. And you start crying and crying, when you have never cried before. This is the time when you believe you cannot do anything, noone else can do anything, And then the thought of dying comes. Then you believe that death is the most beautiful event. It is the source of ultimate calmness and happiness. You know how you want to die, and why would you do it. It all comes to you as a choice. like an escape, a way to make things better. It all makes sense to you, because it is so much easier. It would make all problems go away. And if all you have is problems, then losing your life is not such a bad option.
And then comes the RAGE! A desire to hurt, to revenge, to be legitimized by others that you have the right to be feeling this way, to punish the person who made you feel this way. Because you know you do not deserve that. You know you suffer because of someone else. The sense of lack of control hits you. And you want to gain this control back. And the way to do that is to tell others, to ask them for help, to make someone else take the responsibility. You need support, justification, legitimation, understanding, strength. But it cannot come from you... You are too weak and exhausted. So you go out and start asking for help... BUT... noone can help you. YOu are the only person who can make the decisions, who can save yourself. But you also know you cannot do that, you are so weak... So then what?
Then you give up. And comes the time when there is no meaning to anything. You just do not care about yourself or others. Nothing matters. YOu do not want to think, you do not want to go out, you don;t even care what happens to you. Just nothing matters.
I don;t know what would happen next. Maybe it gets better and you start living again. Maybe you just get worse and eventually kill yourself. Maybe you keep existing in a non-existant way. I don't know.

Second point for today. Well, the reason of all the struggle is because people in Canada, especially professionals, never try to tell you straight up what to do. They always leave the choice to you. But why would they? I mean, freedom is fine, but too much freedom can be dangerous too. If a person who is usually very mature and rational comes to someone for help, aren;t they there obviously to get help? I mean, saying, oh it is your decision, when the person is unable to make decisions... that is the worse counselling. And time... Time does not always cure. Time often makes things worse, because it lets you wonder and wonder and wonder. And honestly, just staying there contemplating without acting is more depressing than the harm itself. So, I just believe that people who have the knowledge and the experience should just take the responsibility for taking care for others. Because ultimately, how can you be a good doctor, if you do not make the final decision for the drug/surgery. if you let the patient decide, well, what does the patient know compared to you? So just fucking say what you think and stick to it. And if this is not the right choice, at least you know you have made your choice and have believed in it.

And also, well I am not sure that police is a good choice, because the posibility of not being believed and being asked weird questions which make you feel guilty and weak and responsible is not a very pink one. But at the same time, doing nothing and just forgeting it is not an option either. So lets take the middle ground, probe and see what the power has to say. And if they do not do what is felt is the right thing to do, then the police would be notified when the time has come.

Venting...

2005-02-02T17:24:00.000-05:00

I am so tired. And exhausted. I just want to go to Hawaii and lie on the beach and just stay there. FOr at least a week. But the thing is that this is not going to make me feel any better. No matter how far I run, what;s done is done and cannot be undone. I tried to make it seem like a little thing, but it is not. I keep going over and over and over and over... I just want to stop. STOP! NO more school. No more work. Mo more obligations. No more people. Just stop. But this is not good either. if I do stop, then what am I going to do? Fuck my life even more? This is so hard. I hear people telling me don;t do this, don;t do that. Tell me what i SHOULD do. There is probably one person I trust. The only one I can go to and just cry on her shoulder. But even then I try to be strong. And it is not working. I try, God knows how much I try. But I cannot. Why can;t I just stop being so harsh on myself. She told me today, I should just relax, and care about myself.
I want people to know what happened. It is not fair to live in a world where everyone believes we are safe, and people are good. But when one day you lose control, and your safety is jeopardized, nothing ever matters. You get paranoid, afraid of everyone and everything.
Do you know what it is to need a voice, a presence with you at all times? And at the same time you cant be around other people because you just can;t handle everyone being nice and sweet and pretending they care and understand. Because when it comes to people helping you, noone can help me. They can try, they can pretend they are able to deal with it, but at the same time when you need them most, they are not there. And you cannot trust them. It's the sense that you need help, but you got noone to help me. And it is not because you don;t have good friends or because they are not trying. It;s because they cannot. It's because they make you feel you put burden on them, and noone can take that. For God's sake, even I cannot take that. And I am strong. Everyone repeats over and over again how strong I am, how great I am, how proud they are of me, that it is going to go away. Well, yeah... it will. But what till then? Screw my life completely? Is that it? Just fuck myself over. I will not let it happen. I will not allow someone to ruin my life.
You know what's the worst. I ask people what they think I should do, and they say, do what you think is right. But, they do not understand. It is not their life right. And when you tell them, this is what I want, they start asking you questions, but why would you do that, have you thought it through. I hate how they take advantage of me. they play with me. They say, I think you should do that. And when I decide to do it, they ask, well why woul dyou do it? Even my own parents are unable to understand. It's like this dilemma, and I have no choice. Well I do, but the outcomes are both the same. if I call, i risk to go through hell. If I do not call, well, I am in hell already. Do I habe mercy on him and save him the trouble? But why would I? Did he have any mercy on me? No. Then? I do not owe him anything. he does not deserve my mercy. he deserve what the society believes he should get. But then, I just want to get better. I really want to get better. I just want to stop thinking about it, and forget about it. Drugs? Alcohol? Partying? Sleep? there is nothing that will make it better. Even time will not. So I am trapped in my own life. All I pray for is for God to have mercy on my soul.

Hotel Rwanda

2005-01-29T01:57:00.000-05:00

"It is not genocite. It is an act of genocide"
What is the difference?
1 million people died.... and noone did anything. It is all politics.
They do not know what it is. You must have experienced it to understand. Completely powerless. And then you give up.
"I am going to die. There is nothing else I can do. My life in in the mercy of this person over me. And he will kill me."
Only when you have said that, when you have experienced the powerlessness, only then can you understand what is it to give up on yourself, your life, the people who love you. It is the scariest feeling a human being can experience. No control.

The pain. The humiliation. The disrespect. My mind is unable to understand how is a human being able to be cruel towards another human being. This is not animalistic. Anymals do it for food, to protect themselves and their children. Humans do it out of fear, for sex, for money, for power, for glory. Is there a worse thought that the thought of knowing you have hurt someone? I have hurt. I look back. Then I was a child. It was a game, a play, a way to control. I cannot hurt another person. I wish I could. But I have a heart. I have the love inside. I was brought up with the belief that no human being should ever hurt another human being. I am unable to do that.

Every one of us swears never to hurt another. But even amongst the best of us, something always snaps. And the angel becomes the devil. And hurts. And hurts. And hurts. In my mind, and in my heart, to hurt is the biggest punishment. Because you are not human anymore. you become a monster. Not an animal. A monster. You inflict pain. Over and over and over again. You swear you will never do it again. But you don;t trust yourself anymore. You hurted the other person, and you hurted yourself. Is there anything worse than that? Would even jail make it worse?

What is to wish you were not here anymore so the pain does not come back?
What is to wish to escape by any means?
They say life is stronger than death because we have the natural instinct of self-preservation.
What if one day this instinct is gone?
Would you use your hand to hurt yourself?
Or does it even matter?
Once you lose your control, your power, you have nothing to stop you.
It is the easiest choice. The hardest choice too.

For me, it is not a choice.

Floating in Emptyness

2005-01-24T01:34:00.000-05:00

Sleep creates an illusion of a different world. A world where beauty and love govern actions. A world where we can control everything and make things better. Sleep gives me the escape from reality. I used to have nightmares. YOu can;t not have them when you have gone through so much terrible experiences. But now.... sleep is being merciful to me. It blesses me with beautiful dreams which calm me and make me feel happy. And when I wake up... the reality rushes in and demands dealing with it.
Today... my parents were caring and understanding. And made sure to tell me they are always there for me and there is nothing more important for them than me. This was exactly what I needed. Having my family with me and them respecting my wishes is the most important for me right now. It felt good to be cared for and respected. RESPECTED. This is the key for my self-confidence and happiness.
I bought a silver cross with Jesus on it. It is not because of faith. I bought it to remind me that I have the power and my pains are for other people, because God has given me the task to show the weaker the right way and make them stronger.
He called. I hated the way he tried to avoid telling the truth and saving details. I am sure it was uncomfortability, but made me very angry. I knew he was a irresponsible, but I hoped after all that happened maybe he was ready to deal with it. So I did not save him my dispise and forced him to call again and be more demanding for support. So after a lecture on how people should be treated, and what a relationship constitutes, I think he is not my problem anymore. I did what I had to do. I saved him a lot of troubles, but at the same time caused him enough distress and pain to shake him and put him on the path. I can only hope that himself, his parents and his friends will be strong enough and responsible enough to follow through and achieve what I am aiming for.

But... with me there is always a but. There is a feeling of emptiness. Like I have lost someone or something. I still have that feeling that things will change and we can start again and everything is going to be great. I want to eat the fruits of my efforts. After so much pain, I want to be treated the way he should have before, to be respected, and cared for and loved. But the truth is that I know that this is not possible. There is no point for me to give more energy to somebody who does not deserve it. It may make me feel better, but God knows I do not have a single reason to be with that person ever again. There are certain reasons why people are together. Some are selfish, other are physical. I have neither of them. I do not get anything but doubt and insecurity and pain out of it. So I KNOW that I need to walk out and try to keep going without having to go through it every single day. ANd I will call first thing tomorrow morning. But I NEED to be with someone right now. I have my parents and my friends, and I am sure they all will help me. But the emptiness is still there. I wish I could not feel this way anymore. I wish I could just dissociate myself from my emotions. I have an amazing rationality and stormy emotions. So when emotions die, rationality will power.
And I am taking a huge break from all that stuff. At least a few months, at least until the summer break. Will try to visit the libraries more often, see some friends, and get used to the fact that being alone can be a beautiful discovery of myself. And when I am again happy with myself and have the strength, and if there is someone in my life who appreciated me enough to try to get to me and understands me, then I will open my heart for the beauty and intimacy.

Blindness

2005-01-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

What is it to be blind? To look but not see. To know but not understand. What is it to be out of control? To believe that you know nothing and the person in front of you knows everything.
I was blind. In my desire to keep things going I refused to be selfish. Now I can list all the negative things, and I am sure there is no future for it. But back then I held on to a straw.
I am amazed by myself. Shit like this does not happen to everyone. And everyone I went to for help was hardly able to say anything. But I knew back then and I know now what has to be done. All I know is that the worst is behind me ad I can start again. Time will cure us.
I do not really want to talk about last night. I just know I was more scared of the police and the people in my res seeing them then anything else. And my parents were supportive. I did not say anything. Because I knew what their reaction would be. And I would never forget myself if this happens. I may be bitchy, nasty, and aggressive, but I would never ruin someone's life or hurt someone. Because I am the stronger one. I am the one who is able to deal with it. I am the one God chose to show people the right path in life, to change them and make them better people. If he sent me his power to do good to everyone, I have to walk straight up and show myself I deserve it.
Here is a theory: morel development by Erickson, goes into 6 stages. You are achived the final stage only when your actions are a balance between your personal believes, societal norms, and understanding of the other person. I saw myself there. And him down. It is amazing to see your superiority above someone on intellectual and moral level. And the most wonderful feeling was that even though I knew I was better than him, my thoughts were still directed towards dealing with the situation in ways in which neither of us would have been sacrificed. I gave him more than he deserved. But giving frm yourself, giving everything you had for someone who does not deserve you, but yet deserves mercy, is a power. And I do have that power.
I am proud of what I am, of what I stand for, and of what I did in this situation. And I believe that I have achieved a superior moral understanding of myself and others. I just need to remain strong and not allow others to make me feel inferior Because if they do not respect me, they have not seen the power inside me and the true heart I have and the love I spread around.
God bless the lost souls and send them a friendly hand to save them from the pain and suffering and non-existant living.

P.S. Sabi, THANK YOU. and thanks to your mom for caring about me more than anyone else did. This was a wake-up call for me. I know that there will be embarrassment from last night, and stigma and all sort of that stuff, but I am in a good place and people do not really care. What an irony eh? Caring saved me and not caring saved me too.

We are all alone in the universe

2005-01-22T13:32:00.000-05:00

This sounds like one of these lines in some of the futuristic movies and then they find alliens and get shocked. Ouch.
But the more you look at it, the more you realize that it is true deep down. Noone can really understand you, noone care enough. People are ultimately selfish. It is more important what they think and what is best for them. there is no compassion, no love anymore. And all these movies.... I have not really met anyone who is able to sacrifice their life for someone else. Except me I guess. I am doing it right now. Exposing myself to the risk of not living by giving another chance. I am either stupid, or I have that intrinsic believe in good and love that makes me take the wrong decisions.
Recently, many people have argued that girls are bitches, guys are jerks, but we care about each other and we are all nice and so on. guess what? We are not. Here is a story:
So obviously I have been a huge mess in the last 2 weeks for obvious, yet personal reasons. So if you don;t know what am talking about, do yourself a favour and do not ask. But, I needed support from my friends. So I did tell a few of them. People who I respect and who I believed could at least listen and assure me it was not my fault and I did not deserve that. So I did meet a bunch of them separately per my request. Some I told, others I just could not bring myself to the point where I would be able to. And for some, the settings were not apropriate either. I made a point to myself not to get upset in public, because that would not be good for me or the people I am with. So, here is how it went.
One person (who I love and thank and will always owe a lot to) was there for me through the tears and the pain, she put me to bed few times, stayed with me, I invaded her room every day and still do. She did not know what to do, she knew she could not help, and it made her sad. But just being with me helps me a lot, because I know that I have a safe place to go to, and someone who loves me unconditionally and will not leave me just because of my problems.
The second person, well she said, I told you, you should have listened to me, you are stupid for staying, etc, etc. Which obviously made me even more upset and feeling weak and blaming myself for what happened.
The third person, well he got 3 hours of delusions and torturous talking from me. I guess he survived. he knew he could not help me, but decided that me leaving school would be the best thing to do given the circumstances. Let;s say that for him to say that, it meant he either does not know me, or he is too selfish to see any other way out. And on top of that he completely forgot what I told him and did not call me the whole week. I guess that talks for itself enough.
The fourth person, well he is the kind of guy who everyone adores, and everyone thinks he is amazing, and strong, and friendly and everything. So, considering we used to be really good friends and told each other everything, I went to him, because we have always told each other we are there for help. But, we spend 25 min together, and prob 10 of these he talked to other people. First he did not believe me that what I told him actually happened. Second he told me I was idiot for not involving the police. Third he obviously seemed disinterested in anything and just wanted to get out of there. And on top of that he asked me where I always find fucked up people who disrespect me and hurt me and so on. He left without calling me for the next few days. As I found out later, the reason was because he could not deal with it because he was not ready to put the effort due to personal problems, Which I do understand, but I feel led on, because he could have at least tried to symphatize. I walked out of that meeting more fucked up then I got into it. I just regret that I still thought we could be friends even though he has done similar things many times in the past. Obviously, my mistake for being nice and understanding and giving him another chance. I am so sorry he has to be out of my life, because I really love him. But sometimes, we love people who hurt us. Love and like/friendship have nothing in common after a certain point.
The forth person I told was very nice and understanding. Did not know what to say or do either. But she was very compassionate, she listened, and assured me I could always call her and talk about anything. There was that kind of care and warmth that came from her... She was a good person to end the week with.

Of course, there were others, not friends, more like co-workers, acquaintances who found out about it one way or the other. Well, they did not know it was me. End result: I feel like I am weak for giving it another try after what happened, I am scared it will happen again, and I feel like I cannot control my decision and be rational. I think I am stupid, weak, and if something happens, it would be mostly my own fault for allowing it to happen.

Maybe if I was not so forgiving, if I did not believe in goodness, and if I was selfish and did not care and was arrogant bitch like most people around, I would be much better off.
At the end, all that matters is ME, and I am alone in making myself happy. Do not rely on anyone, because noone can give themselves to you. For God's sake, even you cannot give yourself to you thourougly.

God save ME from MYSELF.

I want myself back

2005-01-12T23:13:00.000-05:00

I wish it never had happened, but there is no a time machine, and there is no brain machine to erase people from your mind. So I have to deal with it. And I can't... I just can't. I try so hard to forget, to keep going my normal way, to not get completely depressed and totally fucked up. But how can I do that when I am unable to stay in my room for more than an hour without thinking about it and getting all fucked up, when I cannot stay around large groups, and even people who know me. It takes so much effort to stay calm and pretend everything is alright. I am tired of the artificial smiles everywhere, and the perfect niceness towards everyone when all I want to do it scream and run away where noone knows me and nothing will remind me of it.
I keep repeating the name of God over and over again. But he does not care. He left me on my own to live in pain and fear. Is he testing me again? Is he using me again as a tool to punish others? Would God who loves all his children let me suffer... Why is he doing this to me... Why...
Somone told me about Rwanda today, and I almost bursted in tears, because what happened there is so much... and i am comlaining of something affecting only two people... I don;t even know if I am the only one affected...
I keep thinking about running away, but where? nowhere will be different. If I don;t deal with it here, I will never survive anywhere...
I thought about getting drunk to the point i could not remember anything. Do something stupid... But I can;t be drunk all the time. And I can;t sleep all the time either. I don;t want to fuck my objective life after fucking over my subjective one.
I feel like there is no hope... I tried... But noone can understand... they have to experience it... I try so hard God, so hard, and you just leave me suffer... Did I do something to cause it all to rain over me... When I finally thought life is great, an even worse thing happens.
I just can;t do it anymore. I really can;t do it. I know this is not rational, I don;t want it, I know this is not what I have to do, but i wish it happened then. I would not be feeling like a wreck now... I would not wish I was dead.

Fear and Pain

2005-01-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

I cannot describe it. Never been in such a shock. Why is someone able to do such a thing... I... just...
I need to talk, but cannot tell anyone. I thought i could try to post here just to let it go.
i just know that it hurts so much and i am scared to death... it's not even funny how sarcastic this sounds...
i just can't. not now, not yet. i cannot think or talk!
i hope noone ever experiences what happened to me.
I am not religious, but for the first time i need god to help me because noone else can.
please god save them from the pain and fear and give me peace to keep living
please god please please

A question....

2005-01-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

If you are worth the fuck, are you always worth the date?

In life, we often see these super hot people, and they blow your mind, cause all you can think of is that they are the best lay. Well, as you have also probably found, hot people are not really the relationship type all the time. Actually, in most cases, they are too hot to resist the constant temptations. So, generally I do avoid going out with hot guys. They are too much of high maintanence.

But here is a different scenario to the situation. So you meet someone, and you can't get it out of your mind how great sex would be with that person. So you really wanna be with that person sexually. But, at the same time, you know that your friends would never really approve on that person. So practically, you decide that all you can have with that person is a sexual relationship. A hidden relationship. No going out, cause your friends may see you. No showing affection in public, cause your friends may see you. No special occasions, cause your friends may see you. In other words, you cannot be a couple, but you can fuck your brains out as much as you can.

I guess, if you are that kinda person, such a scenario would be perfect. No obligations, no complications, no time wasted. You get the best from both words. And you don;t lose anything. And since you are someone who does not really care, then you don;t get guilt trips every single night you go over. So, I guess you are perfectly set up for such a relationship.

But..... We are talking about a two-sided story here. So your partner, who is obviously not up to the standards of your friends, has to give up on any thoughts about dating you, and going to places with you, and hanging out with your friends and so on. And your partner is also pretty shaky on showing you to his/her friends, who may really disapprove of you. But unlike you, your partner doesnn't really care, and would show you off anyways. The problem is that no matter how confident your partner is, noone I have ever known has been able to put up with such a situation. I mean, just having sex when wanting to have a real relationship.

I am not sure if my opinion on the matter is conservative, or selfish, or bitchy, or call it whatever you want, but I just think that sex is not enough for any relationship. And what seems to be missing in this scenario i mutual respect and being on the same page. I am not sure how these two people are going to resolve their issues. I am actually not sure what would I decide if I was in a situation like that. Do you choose the fun, pointless sex and ignoring the disrespect, or you chose to break it up, losing the person, but keeping self-respect. What is more important? Oh, I know an observer would definitely say Self-Respect is always you have left, but sometimes, we need to compromise...

I hope someone has thoughts on the matter....

New Year'S Resolutions

2005-01-03T05:03:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot about them! And yes, if you think they are stupid, screw you! Cause I do them every year! Last year things went great, so I am keeping up the good work :D I got a bunch right before midnight, but they were hastily written on a greeting card from my dad. So here is another version:
1) Go with the Flow! (Yeah, J, this year I am making it happen!)
2) Keep in touch with old and current friends and make time for them
3) Enjoy yourself any moment of your life and do not regret anything you do!
4) Don;t take up too much things at once!
5) Concentrate on the most important things and ignore the secondary
.
.
.
.
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I had way more, but now they are gone from my brain. Will look up and add them up later. And yes, I do have gym, friends, intimacy and family somewhere down the list :D

What's to be loved so dearly and sincerely and unconditionally?

2005-01-03T04:05:00.000-05:00

It makes you smile. And giggle, and brightens your day, and makes you feel like you are the only one in the whole world and you can do everything. It is so special :D
So there is that good friend of mine who now lives in Australia. We've know each other for years, and kept in touch here and there. I used to kinda have something for him, but it was nothing serious, more like joke. And he is not one to turn my head around cause no girl has ever made him believe in long-distance relationship. He is materialistic guy you know. Gotta touch, gotta kiss, gotta have sex to believe it. Yeah, I am that way too, so what ;) So he is 25, studying nursing, has a band (as every other guy I have ever liked one way or the other connected to music), likes to party, gets on with his friends, and only since recently not having random sex with random girls on random nights while drinking random stuff. I used to kick his ass in msn minesweeper :D I think he gave up though ;) SO he has been with me through a lot of shit, part of that community, where nothing gets hiden, and everything is on the public. So, he decided to msg me after few months to get me the new version of msn :) And of course bubbly me starts chatting, seeing how are things. And jump to jump we ended up talking about me being with someone, and him being single for a while. And he sensed that I was a little shaky about the guy and not exactly confident and stuff. SO he came strong as always. He told me something he has never told me before. And trust me he is not a guy to just say things to make you feel good about yourself. He said that if he was in Canada, or I was in OZ, we would have been a tandem. I was like, omg, something's going on. And then he told me how incredible I was, and what a wonderful person and wonderful friend I was, and how much he respects me and all these things, I hardly even remember. And you know what... In that very moment all I could type was a huge smile. This person had broken his rules to stand next to me. I so wish he was in Canada or I was in OZ. Because I know with him I would be really happy.

And if you think it was all either cause he felt sorry for me or cause he was jealous I was getting some and he wasn;t, well he was not the only one.
There is that very special girl in my life who makes me the happiest person in the world, because he is not ashamed when I run screaming don to the hall to knock on her door and scream and jump and tell her a bunch of stuff in 1 min. And this girl is also not afraid to tell me he loves me and misses me and can't wait to see me. And she is also not bored with me going over the some shit over and over. And she is also probably the only person who has seen me as upset as I ever get and crying. And this girl makes me believe that good people are there in the world, and that I am not a bad person, and that I am not doing bad things, and that I am me, and a wonderful me, and that she loves this crazy weird hyped up me :D And I love her and I am not gonna hide it at all!!! Love you Angie!!!!!!! *hug*

And there is that person, who acts like he does not care, but then I can bitch at him forever and he will just make funny faces and say ok, i see, and so on, and who I feel like slapping sometimes cause he nerves me out with his smartass comments, and who i should have kep closer to myself!

And there are others... many others, and I am not gonna say about them now, either cause i am mad at them, or cause we are not close right now, but who i carry with myself ready to burst on them :D And you know who you are, and if you don;t then youa re silly :D

SO you see :D These are the many people that lift me up and help me jump my limits :D
And now I am getting all sappy and wacky and I should stop and go take a breathe :D

I love you guys! I truely do!

What is it about me that I let it happen?

2005-01-03T03:38:00.000-05:00

I spent the last 2 months looking back at old relationships and trying to connect them to the current ones. A lot of people got me their opinion. Some just listened because had nothing to say, either because they gave up on trying to convince me to change, or because it never happened to them. Most often the second option.
Do you know what is to be abused? Physically, psychologically? I do. The bruises come and go, you slightly remember them. What is left is the feeling of being inferior, weak, unable to defend yourself, giving up. It feels like you are lost,a nd detached from reality. Like it is not happening to you, but to some stranger you have never met before. But guess what? Then you wake up from the zombed out state and you realize this is you! This is your life! And you have to deal with your own mess, because noone else can help you. People can only be nice and listen to you and tell you to stop. But they do not live your life. If you don;t stop it, noone else would.
One of you keeps repeating that he does not understand how is it possible for me to live this way and let such things happen to me. Look at me! Am I weak? Am I a mop on the floor? Am I unable to stand for myself? Is this the person you know? The one who would fight with you, the one who would go to the end? Are we talking about the same person here? Who is the real me? Is one just a mask I put on for the world so they do not see who I am? Or am I switching personalities? Someone once told me I was the strongest girl he knows. Where is she??? Is she inside or outside?
I let it slide all the time. I make myself vulnerable to them, because I hope they would give me what I am looking for. And what they do in return? You want to know the truth? They treat me like I deserve to be hurt. Like I am not worth it their attention. Like I am worse than them. Why they do that? They are not bad people. Neither of them is. And yet I am able to take out the worst of them. Sometimes I cannot even realize what they are doing. Or if I can, I just let it pass. Because I have never seen better. I blame myself all the time.
It's been going on for years. Every single relationship. Every single man. And trust me I have had more than most people my age. At some point you get angry. Then start maming excuses for them. Then you blame them. Then you take all the blame on yourself. Then you feel ashamed of yourself. Then you try to change. Then you adapt. And it goes over and over. A circle. Everyone sayd the Power is Within. But is it? There is only a limit until which you are able to deal with shit internally. After that point you need someone to help you, But when you get to that point it is so bad, that a single person is not able to help you. You need many. This is exactly what happened to her too. It's what happened to him as well. There is a limit to everyone's abilities to save themselves.
Don;t let it slide this time, don;t let yourself fall into the hole, don;t kill yourself again. Because one day, you are gonna fall and never get up. And I will not be there to lift you up. It will be just you.

And I cried. For the first time in more than an year I cried. And just let it go. Because control was not possible anymore. And because control was not needed at that moment. And because control was not wanted. And I cried. And then fell asleep... And nightmares came in my dreams to haunt me... nights and nights... countless nights... and I could not stop them... I will never stop them the nightmares. Because dreams and reality are on. It never ends. And even sleep cannot save me anymore.

Winter Holiday News

2005-01-03T03:22:00.000-05:00

to keep myself awake, time to share some experiences.
The holiday was pretty weird actually. Probably because I was working 2 jobs every single day, and got tired of seeing the office. No wonder I keep 3 jobs, 2 volunteer positions, and 6 courses. I just can't keep still! And get bored! The res was pretty empty too.
But you know what, this was a really good holiday :D A very bonding family time. We really got closer. And this year I found the perfect little cards and said the perfect little words, coming from my heart. I don;t know if I love them, but I surely do appreciate their place in my life.
Ottawa was nice, cold, tiring, but I got sleep. And I found out that me and my dad are not able to exist in the same room at night! Impossible! I did like the trip though, because these 5 hour drives in one car wth 4 people can give you a lot of info about your parents, your bro, yourself, and of course your family :D DEfinitely learnt a bunch of stuff, and life is back to normal :D I have a real great family, and we love each other no matter how little we show it. And they were a great way to escape the sadness that got to me one night. So yeah, I've got back my family :D
And!!! I got back my confidence, and playfulness, and just the old ME! And I got highlights and a great hairstyle which I loved for few days before showering and losing the ability to renew the look. But I took pics ;) So back to normal :D
And... I missed all my friends during the holiday, espcially Angie cause I am so addicted to running to her room when my heart breaks! But I thought about someone else... I regretted not doing what I thought I did not want to do! WHy would I regret that??? I am still unsure what happened, what was the reason for me feeling this way... I feel quiet vulnerable. And it hits me again. Best thing this time: I have support from people who love me and are there for me, and I have been through it so many times that I know exactly how to deal with it :D
And I found that there is someone I am intimidated by, and she happens to be my boss :/
But, Holidays were great :D
Oh, did I mention that Disney on Ice was amazing! My bro slept through it, but I loved it, and my parents did too :D I am such a kid :D And that is why you love me :D
More to come ...

Stops on the way of Life

2004-12-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

We all live and try to do our best, to achieve great things, to make our life the best, to share it with special people, to leave something after we are gone. And we travel on a train. The train stops often here and there. People get on, and others get off. It is a constant turn over. Some would stay for the rest of the trip, others will be on only for a stop. It hurts to let someone go. No matter how long they have been on the way. It hurts. Sometimes more, othertimes less, and there are times like it feels like nothing happened. It is a fact of life. We live though it. Trying to remember only the good things. We are asked, what happened, and the only answer left is, Things just did not work out. All is experience... Good or bad, but it is an experience.
I feel nothing... Maybe because it was short, maybe because I knew it would end this way, maybe because I am used to it by now. It feels so empty. It does not happen like that... Me, the most emotional person, not feeling anything... It scares me, because it is not the only time. I just don;t feel it anymore. There are so few things/people I care about.... Almost none. I try to run in my mind everyone who is close to me, and ..... do not know.... Even if I do care about them, I would not fight to keep them around, I would just let go. Everyone used to tell me I need to chill.relax/go with the flow/let it go. Well, I did it. And now what? I do not live anymore. I exist. Mere existance. I'm not interested in anything right now, not even sex... It comes to my mind, sex is overrated anyways...
I think I need to open the old phonebooks, and contact people from the past. And try to keep the ones who have some meaning, and let the rest go. Because at the end, it is only me.

And life goes on. Goodnight.

Illness

2004-11-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year when exhaustion and cold combine to make half of Toronto sick at the exact same time. Besides me, most people I meet complain about headaches. So have reasons, like partying an dgetting drunk to the fullest for 4 consequtive days. Others are too exhausted. Me? I am not sure yet. Just so sleepy. So since tonight I have for myself, after all that stuff planned, I am gonna take a super hot shower and go to bed and sleep so much that all viruses will crawl out of here! But the real reason to post here is that I actually think when I am sick I am better, because low levels of energy make me not care, be very relaxed, not emotional. I guess I may have ADHD according to the Canadian standards. But you know what, screw Canadian standards! I am from Europe! We do not categorize people there! We do not judge them if they don;t comply, we do not diagnose them just cause they have more energy than usual and have a more positive look on life.
Because where I am from, PASSION IS WHAT DRIVES OUR LIVES!
But here in Canada, PASSION IS OVERRATED ANYWAYS!

Confession

2004-11-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess it is time to tell the people who read that some stuff about my life, so you people do not make assumptions about me.

First, I know there have been rumours that I desparately like a member of the Biome community. I do like and respect that person, but I need to notify you that I am not interested in him for anything else than frendship.

Second, I am not currently dating anyone, I am completely single and I enjoy my freedom by going out with a lot of new and old people.

Third, I know many of you make assumptions, and feel uncomfortable from my posts on Biome, which are more often than not very sexually charged, or emotionally charged. I want to say that I am joking 95% of the time. I am not so sexual in real life, and can control myself way better.

Fourth, I have been extremely busy and this is the reason why I have been ignoring many people. Also, I realized that I do not enjoy being with amny Biome people as much as I used to, so I shifted my energy towards more constructive things in my college.

Fifth, a lot of bad things have been happening to me in the last couple of years, and unfortunately that has changed me a lot, mainly making me very selfish, very cruel, very pushy, very arrogant, very self-confident, and so on. I am not saying that is why I am this way, but when you have events like the once I had, you do get weird.

Sixth, I love my friends very much. I know I have not shown it enough to them, but this is only because I do not trust people very easily and I prefer to stay away than hurt them. The ones of you who are close to me know what it means to have the whole power if my temperament get over you. I am sorry. I really love you and I really care about you and I miss you. I promise to try to make it up to you.

I will add more when I think about it.

Another One Added to the List

2004-11-22T06:58:00.000-05:00

It is not so much about him, but about myself. Going through the exact same thing again IS in fact more painful than I thought. The good thing this time is that I was stronger and stopped it just on time before it causes me a complete attack. After while we just learn how to deal with certain things. I still feel very drained. And it brought back all the past experiences, the insecurities... I guess I just need a break. From myself. Just to escape from the pain and doubt. I am tired. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I am heartbroken. Not by him. He played by the rules we set. But by me. And I just think it is about time to finally stop that struggles and start loving myself, and most importantly RESPECTING myself. Because if I do not know my price, and if I do not respect myself, and if I do not care about myself, there is noone else that would.
It was a istake from the beginning to start seeing someone just for the fun of it. Maybe i need to put into my mind that the time when it did not matter who I was fooling around with is gone and I need to get myself a stable relationship.
And I should have listened to my sixth sense. I knew right before our first date that there is no way for us to be compatible. But I preferred to give it a try, to keep the hopes up, to satisfy my sexual desires and not my emotional ones. I do not regret being with him... I mean, it is all experience... I regret being weak and allowing myself to be vulnerable.
The sad thing though is that lesson is not learnt. And it should be. I have done that way too many times to allow myself to keep going and repeating the cycle over and over again. It all adds up to that learnt helplessness. Who would ever think that I of all people have it? I really do not want to think about it again. I really just want to move on and never dig inside my subconscious experiences and cognitive frameworks. I just need a break from myself. Memory loss does help... but how do you forget something that is inside you, have become a part of you, make you pain all the time? I do not know. I wish I had an answer to my own questions. Nobody has the answers...

I am thinking... I am really sad... Such sadness has not been inside me for a very long time... And people see it... They worry, ask questions... And I really do not want to talk... Right now I need to be by myself, sleep a lot, and heal my soul from the bitterness. No, it is not him.... It is ME! I guess this is one of the cases when people cry... I do not know how to cry... Tears help relieve the tension. I have no tears... So it stays inside and pains.
Maybe now is a good time to go back to my friends, change the athmosphere around me, find new excitement... Like last time... But this time, nothing really matters... I am done. With my heart. With my soul. With my passion. I am done. I gave up. Tonight I gave up.

*tear*

Booty Call

2004-11-16T17:41:00.000-05:00

Let me give you an advice on the matter: don;t try them! they are not worth it. If you are so desparate for sex, better go to some club or a downplayed pub and get a one night stand. Cause no matter who says what, booty calls do lead to attachment. You cannot be seeing someone 3-4 times a week and have fun with them and not get attached. It just does not work that way. Cause eventually you would start asking personal questions. And when it gets personal, then you are in trouble.

I just cannot do it. I tried, I lied to myself, I tried to compromise. But it just does not work. Maybe Em is right saying that it is cause of my age and his age. At 21 you are looking for a long term relationship. But at 23, unless you are already in a long term relationship, you start going just for the fun., cause you have realized that dating is just a waste of time.

It's fucked. I am weak for keep going and allowing him to even touch me. I mean, I don;t get anythhing from it. He complains I am bitchy/cold/conservative. Well duh, sure I am since he is not willing to do anything different or wild. Misionary position does not cut it for me thank you very much. It may work great for him, but why the fuck I have to teach him what to do with me! Like foreplay helloooo!!! Haven't he heard about that. I am into it still just cause he is smart ambitious fun and I love arguing about everything. But, I can do that with a friend too. So instead of me going over it all the time and pissing both of us off, I just should kick him out. I mean, what's the point? I better stop wasting my time and start flirting again. Commitment? What commitment is he talking about? if he is just for sex, he is not good enough for me, so I better cheat. Now I finally understand why people cheat: 1) cause sex is not good enough for them; 2) cause they want emotional involvement and there is none; 3) cause they want to feel special and appreciated and don;t get it; 4) cause the other person is a fucking aggressive violent maniac who scares them to death and they are afraid next time he is gonna hit them and cause them actual physical harm. And guess what? I've got ALL 4 of these. I am so weak and stupid for letting him stay around.
I really wish I could stop being a nympho and just tell him to fuck off and never see him again!!!
FUCK YOU!

N.y.M.p.H.o.

2004-11-14T11:34:00.000-05:00

It's been 3 nights and I am getting cravings hard core. When the hell is he coming back! And they say guys were the once to need it more. yeah, right! The moment he gets in TO, I am pulling him here or going over! I am telling you, I knew I was bad, but I didn't remember I was that bad.

Last night was AMAZING! I loved it totally. The music was exactly what I love, the people were nice and sweet, the guys were fucking HOT, even though I could not touched them. I love everything being so free and nonjudgmental! We had drinks to stir us up. She was real hot too wow! And the queens! Omg, they stole my little heart! So great!
I really want to take J. clubbing with me some night. He has no idea what I can do to him ;) And come on, I don;t dress up like that and get all excited every night ;) And I am sure a lot of guys will be jealous ;) Too bad he is kinda shaky when it comes to clubbing. Oh well, if I use my techniques, which not always work on him, maybe I will convince him for a hot wild night out ;) Esp if I promise him a few rounds when we get back home :D

I love clubbing!And I think my new passion are homoclubs :D GOtta love it all!
Definitely going next time too :D

I have fallen

2004-11-13T01:11:00.000-05:00

Yep. I admit it. I have fallen from the sky to the earth. And I want to be fallen as much as I hate it.

I feel trapped. I know I should not given the circumstances, but all these deals, the guilt, the morals... I really feel trapped. Obligations... I run from obligations all the time. And at the same time I do like it in a way... But, I got asked to the movies tonight, and had to say no, because I was not sure what was he going to say. And I would not be able to hide it from him anyways.

I miss him. I really do. I know it is early for anything. I have no idea if i miss HIM or i just miss being intimate with someone. For now, I would say the later is more true than the former. But I still miss him. So much I even sent him 2 messages today. Why the hell do I care that much? We all know in a month I will not even remember who he is.

I so wish this time it will be different.
Unfortunately, I know myself.... and it will not be any different.
*sigh*
*tear*

A Note to Someone

2004-11-08T02:06:00.000-05:00

I wrote something for someone as an advice tonight, but then decided that it is worth it to post it here, so I have my own advices to myself to return to.

**********************************************************
Hey.
Wanted to tell you some stuff. Not particularly about your life since I do not know about that, but in general what you said. I actually feel very much the same way, so sharing it may be a good experience for both of us. It may be kinda long though.

So... I believe that we all need someone to confine to. Someone very special, who we all know will not give out our secrets. And I believe a blog may be a good idea. Here is a suggestion: make another blog which you do not show to ANYONE. Use it for your heart, your soul, your tears, your pain. Make it your expressed self. Make it the priest you need. I have one too. I rarely write in it, but it does make a difference. I go back sometimes, and look at all the pain from the past, and I tell myself, Hell, am I strong! It is a good confidence booster as well.

At the same time I am sure there are still people you can confine in. But I recommend them being people who you do not see very often, who know nothing about your present life. Maybe somebody from back home? I have a very close friend from Bulgaria, and we share everything, even the smallest details about our lives. I also have a friend from high school. She knows very little about my current life or my family or my school, except what I tell her of course. She is the person who I go to when I need a hug and I need someone to share with for a night. She is a great sex counsellor too. I also have a friend in Florida who is like my big brother and who has always been my biggest critic, but who I trust with myself. All three of them love me very much and we know that no matter what happens, we always will love each other, because relationships like ours do not happen often. I know that sounds hard, to find people like that who love you unconditionally, but it is possible. Takes time and effort, and a lot of trust and especially acceptance, but at the end it pays.

I also have very close friends who are part of my life. I see them every day almost, I can always contact them and so on. But with them... I do not trust them completely, I often try to be careful what I say and how I behave. Just because they are in my immediate surroundings, and I am afraid that I will lose them if they know all my dirty underwear (and gosh I have a lot of it!). They are wonderful to spend time with though :)

I have come to the conclusion that the people I trust most should be people I keep separate from the rest of my life. At least until I trust them to the extend I can trust them with myself. And of course, when I really need them in my life all the time. I know that is weird too, but... I actually prefer my partner to be someone I can easily hide from others. Someone who would not cross paths with any of my other friends, co-workers, relatives, etc. Someone I can go to without feeling insecure and scared that someone has told him something about me and changed his opinion on me. I have been hurt and betrayed from others way too many times to allow someone so special to be exposed to the rumours. He does not need to know other people's opinion on me, especially the reputation I have in certain circles. I want him to accept ME, trust ME and care about ME. COmpletely independently of my past or present. I actually think I did find a person like that. It is very hard though, because he knows my insecurities and my fear of the past repeating. I feel weak when I am with him. Weak and so vulnerable. It is the hardest thing for me... trusting someone... Sometimes I think I will never be able to trust a man enough to make him my partner. I am too afraid that my past will come out on the surface...

So just try to find something or someone who will be very caring, and yet without any abilities to mess up your life. Even if it is a typing thingie online. You are extremely passionate person, you need to vent. It is great to let it go, but you need to know how to do it so it does not hurt you. As to the person you talk about, blame them! This is your life. It is YOUR decision what you do, what you think, how you react, what you say. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you cannot do/say what is in your heart. Nobody has the right the judge you. YOU are what is important. It may be cruel, but the truth is that it is only YOU who matters. Be selfish if you have to! If you lose yourself because of what others think, then your life is not worth it. It would not be you anymore. You will be DEAD.
Hope your heart leads you to your happiness.
Peace and light in the darkness.
*hugs*
Nina

**********************************************************************************

One thing I need to remember:

***IF I LOSE MYSELF, I WILL BE DEAD!***

Some real news

2004-11-08T01:30:00.000-05:00

SO I decided to put some constructive info on my life instead of going in circles typing stuff you would not understand fully anyways.
I am done with the round of midterms. Very exhausting I have to admit. It is just that they were clustered together, which made me have to study non-stop in the last 5 weeks under constant pressure. Also, obviously cramming actually IS my way of studying. I very much try to change that but oh well. And yes, I admit it, I have lost my passion, motivation, and desire for school. I like some of the things, and I hate others. Unfortunately, my jobs tend to be way better than my school.
So I took this weekend off. Watched The Incredible withs A. on Friday, which was very nice and sweet and I really liked it :D And I was able to sleep a lot that night, all by myself too!
Saturday... well... I felt really crappy because of all that thinking and what happened Thursday night. But I forced myself to try be more organized, went shopping for presents with my friends to the Eaton Centre. Spent there the whole afternoon, made a bunch of phone calls, had dinner in the Pickle Barrel with them. So was nice. Too bad I was too stressed and very sad to actually enjoy it. I guess the lack of sleep has been getting into me...
I did not get to see O. but I will on Tuesday :D But I did see A. We went to that nice restaurant on Younge and Bloor, The Saigon Sister, which turned out to be better than Spring Rolls. Then we went to the club disctrict and after rollling around, got to Montana for free. I guess that is where old people go, but we did not feel like dancing much, so just had few drinks. note to self: My new favourite alcoholic cocktail is Sex on the Beach. Both for the taste and for the name. I got only slightly tipsy. regardless of my attempts to get moderately drunk, I cannot do it. Maybe it is genes, maybe again my lovely self-inhibition. We actually left pretty early, cause we were getting kinda tipsy and bored. So I ended up walking on Spadina. I actually do remember that walk.
And... I spent Satuday night at Vic's. The walk at 4 am was pretty worth it, because things kinda worked out. It is true that communication is the most important thing. I decided to give it a try and let things slide by themselves. I have no idea where is it gonna go because of our past experience and interpretations of interpersonal relationships of any sort, but... as always, I am weak and easy and will give it another chance.
After walking back home at 8 am, I spent the whole Sunday morning and early afternoon SLEEPING! gosh, that felt so good, almost as good as the night itself. I did try to be all organized and what not, but I am just so... unmotivated. I cold barely read one of my articles, and did nothing but watch shows and try to sleep, which did not work. So now I am at the office and have more than 7 more hours to go. I may or may not do any productive work. I should start with the work though, because I desparately need to catch up, and exams are in a month!!!

Btw, i do NOT have a boyfriend. It is very socially constructed how people make assumptions on little things and statements.

Ok, well hope that sheds some light one my life :D
Too much emotions are detrimental for my sanity, but I cannot go without them either.
Love you :)

Insecure patterns of Attachment

2004-11-07T17:59:00.000-05:00

So we were talking about relationships, and I just had to go back. It's been awhile since I have thought about my past, and I really do not feel like going back... But I guess I have to understand what happened in order to continue in a different way. He is right, I am insecure and doubtful about people. Well what else can I expect? All the abuse that has been going on in the past comes in my mind and prevents me from just relaxing. I wish I could show him that it is not him, but how do you should someone who is like you what is wrong? I always end up with the exact same type of people, people who do not believe in themselves, and hardly ever believe in others. I have said it before too, but I know it is true. J. and J. are the exact copies of each other. I know this is detrimental and causes me only confusions, but I cannot help it. I miss him, I wanna be with him. Therefore, I make the wrong choices all the time.
A. is worried about me, and I know I am testing her patience. I do not want to hurt her, and I do not want to loose her. She says I am always upset, depressed, confused, after I am with him. Maybe she is right. I hope last night was important for some sort of change.
Next time though i definitaly want to watch a movie and do something more non-physical. Just to see how we interact when hormones are not the leader.

Ok, I just needed to kinda blabber and share. I am better today than I was yesterday though.
I am way too easy and I give way too many chances to people :( I wish I was really a selfish bitch. It would be so much easier to say NO and walk away.

P.S. J. thinks I have slept with 11 guys and lost my virginity when I was 13. I do not know if I should be laughing or crying at that.

Life is a circle

2004-11-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

Creating misconceptions of our world is the only way to escape the reality. It only works when your reality is only yours and includes only you as a movable particle accelerating at a rate only you determine.
Until the other reality uncovers moved by the energy of the million particles who are not you. The perception disappears, because the only reality you are able to control is non-existant.

At the end, there is no reality. It is all perception dictated by the socially constructed mindfulness of the individual.

You have no life. you have no independance. It is only OUR life.

I am so stupid!

2004-11-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

this was such a terrible misunderstanding!
I was so pissed off, and then I talked to J. and he is like, wtf I was in the library the whole afternoon studying for my test! I felt so stupid! I can't believe I got so worked up over such a stupid thing, and after he promised me he would tell me. SO I apologized millions of times, and I really have to make it up to him. not that i mind making it up ;) I hope he did not get all freaked out of me ha ha ha :D
And yeah, I cannot figure out if he is jealous of the guy I am going out with tomorrow night, or he is just like that. He made me promise I would not have "too much fun". Why is he so stupid? It is obvious that I am all over him wow! I am so transparant!

This week is going to be crazy! I am going out with S. on Thursday, then movienight with A. on Friday as usual, and then Saturday is with Nate, then O. and then A. It's gonna be crazy. I do miss him though :( And I really want to see him, even if it is at 4 am on Saturday!
Oh well, busy busy :(
I am so so so falling down :(

I can put up with everything BUT A LIE!!!

2004-11-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

I was in the JCR with a couple of people 2 hours ago. I saw him, or I think it was him, at the end of the room. He was with some girl. Looked at me a few times, but since we decided not to know each other in public, i tried to avoid his look, and he did the same. SO so far so good. I did not care. Would ask who she is of course, just cause I am always curious like that.
But, then they went on one of the couches, and he was lying down, trying to sleep or whatever. And that girl was leaning over him.
I know he has a test tonight, so I am not gonna try to contact him unless he comes on. But I definately will find out if that was him. And if he does not have a good explanation, I am gonna kick him out. I was looking for a reason, and what better reason than that.
And, I know you may think I son;t have the right to ask for anything, but we made a deal that we will tell each other about other people. If that was him, he did not keep the deal. So that would be a game over.
I hate lies.

Yep

2004-11-01T04:49:00.000-05:00

So instread of being productive, I am just rambling around proctrastinating. How surprising.
I did talk to him tonight. OMG he is so mean so col so brutal and this is exactly what I like about him. Trying to get him to get somewhat more excited would be a challeneg. And I love challenges. The good thing is, since we are not in a relationship, I can just freely date anyone else. And I do have another date ha ha , or kinda whatever. When I told him, he was like, do whatever you want as long as you don;t get me any diseases! And of course I did get the lecture of oral herpes. Fun. He is right for himself, but I don't think he has to tell me what to do and what not to do with my own sexual life. Yes yes, I know I do owe him protection. But whatever. The other guy is a friend of mine actually. he is so nice. Seems much more relaxed and more uhmmm knowledgable about the thinks I have to teach J. Anyways. I dunno honestly...
Going with the flow let it be. But that means no barriers, nothing to stop me. And my flow is fast and wild!
I wish G. was here to bump my head in the wall multiple times until I start bleeding.
Ok, enough. Life is life. I do what I do, and there is no point for regret. I do not care about myself, remember?
Good thing are these flavoured condoms yo! :D

I can't do it

2004-10-31T22:41:00.000-05:00

I thought I could. I thought I have gone through it enough times to be able to do it once again. But I really cannot. I can't allow hurting myself. I have been sick the whole day, maybe fever, maybe flue, I dunno... And I slept a lot. ALl the time I thought about him. And in my mind I saw him as more tha just the fb I thought he can be. So... I just cannot do it. I need to talk to him and tell him that I need more than just it. No matter how great it is, I really need someone I can trust right now, someone I love and who loves me back. I am not saying he is not able to be that person, just I have not seen it towards me yet. Maybe he is not ready. Maybe I am not ready. Whatever it is, I just do not want to do it. Because at the end I will be the only loser. And I am tired of being the only loser every single time. There are so many people in my life who actually care about me, who want to be with me because of who I am, and what I stand for. And you know what. I cost more than that!
So I will talk to him first thing we get around to it and leave the decision to him. But better do it now then wait 10 more times when I will have fallen for him.
Meh, I am stupid :(

Tearing apart

2004-10-31T07:43:00.000-05:00

Well, obviously my morals are down the train. But I still feel like I want to keep some part of them somewhere, so I do not feel like a peice of flesh.
It is not that I feel used or anything. I mean, we know what it is about and don't play mind games. I am old enough for that bullshit already. But the practicality of it really scares me.
What scares me most is that I seem to accept it way too easiliy. In and out. And I don;t even consider it a big deal. Just move on with whatever I need to do. I am such a hypocrite. I gave a lecture to M. few months back about the exact same thing, and now I am the one doing it without any regrets. At least she had feelings. We got no emotions whatsoever. Not to mention that alcohol is always in the way.
So yeah... question is do I keep doing it, or just fuck it and get back to the normal uncorrupted life. I guess I know which way I lean towards. My friends are pretty supportive. maybe if they weren't I would not keep it going. I dunno... I guess I will have to wait for the next few times and see how things are going. Rediculously so, I got what I wanted. Now I am not sure I want it anymore.
Whatever. I need to apologize to M. for what happened and tell her everything and wait for her to freak out on me so I can say no.
At least I am smart enough not to risk my health.

Another one

2004-10-26T19:29:00.000-04:00

K, so... uhmmm...
Saturday did not work out. Because of urgent things. And I am not sure what his interntions are right now, so... I found another person :D
He is interesting... very... the first time I have not been able to figure a guy out... that makes me very nervous because it seems so unpredictable. I have no idea what he expects from me. So I went around and ask a bunch of guys, friends and non friends what they think I should do. And I discovered that generally, guys expect to have sex with their gf around 1-3 month for a long term relationship. For short termed, like the 2-3 date. And many are into one night stands. That particular man is into one night stands. Which kinda nerves me out too since I am not into one night stands. So I had to go through the terribility of telling him I am not gonna sleep with him on the first date. I do not like being such a bitch, but rules are rules. We will see how much is he gonna stick to them.
And btw, there is someone else who asked for my phone number, but I prefer to wait and see how things will go with J. before I say yes.
Wow, I like dating ha ha ha :D

A quickie!

2004-10-24T10:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know I have not been writing here for a very long time, but I have an excuse: midterms, meetings AND addiction!!! :D
RIght now I am super excited about A GUY! Can you believe it wow??? ME, excited about a guy! He is really great though... You know that combination of guys who are serious about school, and work at the same time, but also love to party :D And let me tell you, that guy knows how to party for sure!!! He is just... lets say he is what I am looking for right now :D And, I know I know, but he is really exactly J. It's scary... I dunno, I am just into him, and we know each other for a week now. So that keeps me all hyped up all the time. I dunno... We will see... His friend told me he talks about me all the time, but come on, I am sure that is just bullshit anyways.
And, if it does not work with him, well I do have few more in mind. But let's take it step by step.
Oh yeah, and don;t ask who he is, because he is not from UT ST. George, so no way you know who he is.
Ok, I am insane! I hate when I am like that because I just want to be with him, and rght now is not th egood time for that, but... oh well... I am really into him!

Messed up

2004-10-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

In short:
I could not sleep last night.
I feel terrible
SKipped hald class tonight
Coudld not study
I'm getting all worked out cause of sex. I hate when that happens.
And I need to cram tomorrow.
SO I better go get some sex and sleep and wake up tomorrow and study like a good girl.

Also, that guy, well, he is too innocent for me. No matter hwo says what, I just can;t be with nice sweet guys. I need a guy who does not freak out when I mention about sex, but who is into it as much as I am.
Also, addiction comes back.
And now I will have to do what I was afraid to do and tried to escape any possible way in order to be functional tomorrow night.
I hate when my body and my desires start controlling me.

But as D. said, we have to do what we have to do. End of story.

Sleeplessness and nightmares

2004-10-17T22:19:00.000-04:00

I am supposed to be sleeping right now, but obviously that is not happening. The bad things is that it has been going on recently. Sometimes I can sleep for 10 hours, but they are nervous sleep, like I know I am dreaming something real intense but can;t change it and can;t remember anything. I know I have nightmares and close-to-life dreams which always keep me feeling tired. Probably because of the insane amount of information my mind has to cope with, and the fact that I always have something going on. But I wish I could have at least these lovely 8 hours in which I can just escape from the whole world. Too bad that has not been happening lately.

Anyways, I discovered staying at home and studying is not as bad as i have considered it to be. mainly because now I just have to study,so no time for procrastination, and weird thoughts in my mind. I like the cuddliness of my blankie and the hot chocolate while the wind outside could blow me off. Feel so homy :D

My scheduler shows that the next two weeks will be pretty busy ( yes, more so tha usually, even that is possible I guess). So me is gonna skip work, study, and try to sleep enough not to get sick. After that I am gonna go clubbing :D I can;t wait. Gosh I am so addicted to clubbing.

yeah, i made the mistake to tell someone about my personal life. I am not sure why I told him. I mean, he is cool, so I don;t think he is gonna go around telling people what I told him, but still... him knowing is a knife with double edges. Not many guys feel comfortable knowing what he does. Well, whatever. There is not much he can do against me. And I do not think he is as some other people. Next time baby, try to think before telling people dark secrets ;)

K, I have an hour to sleep, so lets see what we can do about it ;)
Love you :D

Change is the only Constant

2004-10-16T21:58:00.000-04:00

J. told me that at the beginning, the first night we spent together actually. I hated him for saying that, then I loved him for saying that, then I actually started understanding it. Now I appreciate what it means for ME. The last few years have been really stormy, and made me do things I partially regretted, and mess up a lot of relationships which I wanted to go on in a different light. But I think after all that huge mess things have been getting where they are supposed to be. Finally I know what I want, and I know how to deal with pretty much everything in my life. I really changed so much... Res life and especially the past summer were a great opportunity to learn the ropes of my own life. I know that the emotions will keep swinging from one end to the other if something major happens, but I learnt to be patient, understanding, non-judgemental, rational. RATIONAL. This is the key in my life right now. Last night Nick was telling us about hhis life and his amazing ability to rationalize everything so that emotions cannot possibly stir him in an undesirable direction. I wanted him to give me hints, pointers, to teach me how to do that. And then I looked at myself and realized that there is no need for that. I am rational enough. It's so amazing how things in my life have been going the right direction. Everything has gone the way I wanted it to go. Of course, there have been people I had to put aside so they do not disturb me, there have been goals I did not achieve, but the important thing is that I have the confidence, the energy, the strength, the motivation to get where I want to go. Somebody very close to my heart once told me that I am the strongest person he has ever met. Only now I think I can see why he says that :) Thank you :)

There is one thing I regret. It is that there are few people around me who never got the chance to get to know me, to see the real me. They stuck their minds to a certain perception of me, and are still unable to understand that what happened before was weird, strange, crazy. They just cannot accept that I DID CHANGE. It was a painful process, still is, but it is worth it all. I do get flashbacks though... like when I am at clubs... or when I get really angry... or when people attack me and judge me and assume things about me.... or when people give up on me saying I am stubborn. But these flashbacks I can control when I want to. Gary told me he knows I have changed. I am still his little sister and all, and we still have the usual conversations being silly with each other and what not, but it means really a lot to me that he said that. If even he sees it, that means I am doing a great job with myself :D

Ok, will tell you more later :)
I am proud of myself :D

Rainbow on my hand

2004-10-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

Life is just good :D I was talkining to A. tonight, and was saying that everything is just going pretty well for me right now. And I am generally happy :D Maybe because I try not to really care, I got no emotions, always talk whatever is on my mind, and have constant contac with people who I do not expect much from. SO yeah :D Life is too good :D

Test today was .. uhmmm... you know I hate to talk about that stuff, so I will not :D

I had a rainbow on my hand. I spendt 2 and a half hours with a kid who had some really heavy liver disease obviously, but he was only 2 and could read, and talked a lot, and was really smart! Amazing! I adored him :D And I felt like the worst person in the world when I had to leave him a lot after my schift was over... In his eyes I saw the disappointment of having found someone you like and then they leave because their life is more important and you have no place... I have felt that so many times... Too bad he has to feel it too, and he is so little. I can deal with all the bullshit, but why does he have to go through it all? Life is not exactly fair :(

Oh btw, I really freak out recently when people I have never heard of send me weird e-mails or add me to their msn. SO if you are one of them, please don;t freak me out. I am over with the time when I was hooking up with a lot of people on the net just for the fun of it. I am out of the business now. Which reminds me that I am sorry to lose a lot of people who helped me so much when I was at the bottom, but we all have moved on and this is what is important in life :) make yourself happy by not hurting others :)

Yeah... well M. tried to get in touch with me... I am not sure what exactly is his idea of me, but obviously the wrong one. He acts exactly the way my parents act, with this inability to understand my lifestyle, and accept it. So he left mew few messages on my phone, kinda expecting me that I could just pick up the phone right away and talk to him. I dn;t mind him, and we have good time together, and things could be even better, but truth is that we just don;t work together. I tried. I really tried to be nice and sweet and to fix things when we got pissed, but just... it will never work out. We have nothing in common whatsoever... and even the fun is not enough to keep us together. I will be nice and so on, just not to blow him off, because then I would feel guilty... but truth is... he is just one of the many. :(

In other news, I have decided that 5 min for make up and efforts to look decent are not that much, so I can afford to try to look ok. It makes me happy and my confidence is better. I do not see what point some pain would have, but I guess I am stupid enough for it to have. Good my model friends are not around to hear :D

Ok, this is really weird I know.... just in case any girl is willing to give input, I would appreciate it... I have been having problems with tampons... I mean... this is the second time is happens... It does not hurt me when... you know... and I am sure i do not have STIs or infections or whatever... so I am a little worried... I mean... I guess I am just too much used to the sexual arousal... ok that is weird, please help me!

And now I have been weird enough, last thing I realized tonight: all of the guys I have been really interested in have been copies of J. this is so scary wow! I mean, I admit he was the first guy I really loved and experienced so many things with, and we had great time and he taught me a lot, especially when it comes to sex, but still... the new guy is like his brother! The only difference is that J. was a nymphoman back then, not sure if his new gf gave up or not, and the new person is not at all as far as I know. I hope it is just, as A. said, my "type of guys". I did get over him almost a year ago now so... I dunno... Whatever. It is not like some string emotion or something. These days all is just flirting, sexual attraction, sexual stuff, having fun. No emotions involved. I hope G. gets laid soon cause his frustration and bitching about him not getting any starts to get on me. And if he does get laid, this means we get back to emotions wow :D Ok, you won;t understand that anyways, so why am I even saying? I should get to the other diary.

K, I am going to sleep.
Love you :D

truth about organizations

2004-10-14T01:03:00.000-04:00

Their meetins last for hours and hours, and at the end people don;t even care.
Tonight I was at the UCRC meeting for 3 whole hours. We are improving the length reconrd each time. NOt to mention how much debate we had, and that I was part of it a lot. Around all these guys there should be one open-mouthed girl too right :D FEmale empowerment :D

Otherwise, bunch of stuff today, but I do not feel like typing.
Need to sleep now.
Oh, I miss Gary to death :(

Nighty NIgt
Love you

Too good to be true :D

2004-10-13T01:22:00.000-04:00

yep! Life is great again :D And I love it all :D Even the cold! Cause now I finally make myself put some clothes on when I get to bed (not that they are needed in any way) and I snuggles really tight ;)
I've got so much to tell!!!
Friday I had my first SEC shift :D I met few interesting people, and we talked about relationships and of course, sex! Can you imagine me being all quiet and not saying much! Well, truth is I was! because I have learnt not to be very open with people around me if I do not know them. Adrian asked me right away of I am that girl from Biome, and when I said yes, he gave me the biggest hug. That was so nice and sweet. And he is a really nice person. Too bad I cannot really get to know him better cause he is not on my shift. And he actually saved me few times during the shift when people were asking certain questions. Like they asked me if I were in a relationship... Well, what was I supposed to say right! It is a hard question. And I told them I don;t really like to talk about it cause it makes me kinda sad. And Adrian came behind me and gave me another hug. Such a cutie pie! too bad we may not be compatible.... unless he is bisexual as well...
And the weekend was greater :D I went shopping and spent $400 on shoes and clothes and other little things. And no, I did not end up in La Senza this time :D SUper proud of myself! I love that place omg! And I aslo went to Picadillis, where mister S, was an hour late! yeah, man what the hell! You go to a club at 9 pm and you make your quests wait! ts ts! K seriously, some guys are way too easy. Like I don;t wanna be mean, but it is so true. They were way too easy... I don;t like easy guys... There is no challenge, no thrill... I like guys who make my blood boil. Like that hottie wow :D Ok, I shut up now about men ;) And I hate the fact that no matter how much I drink I don;t get even tipsy anymore. I mean, if I am gonna drink, at least to get drunk right? I dunno what the hell happened at that club for that guy to get kicked out. And they freaked out too much. I don;t like babysitting guys and trying to comfort them for the whole way we were going home. Too easy too too easy for me...

Sunday I slept!!! YEY!!! I really slept like all day wow. Except for short periods of studying and uhmm... yeah... ;) I told you I was addicted wow! That three letter word drives me insane and makes me super happy ;)

Monday was the most astonishing day! My parents called me at 11:30 am and told me they were on the way already, as I have instructed them! They were here at exactly noon! As we have been talking! We went to Niagara on the Lake! Which was such an amazing charming little place with the old spirits and the flowers. Too bad it was so cold! And we did not settle down for a restaurant, so we went bakc to Toronto,a dn had nice dinner at Swiss CHalet wow ha ha :D But the whole point is that this was a lovely day. We had such a good time! No arguing, no offences, just jokes and nice talks and all. Oh, and we went on a courousell :D All of us :D Was fun :D I went on twice and felt like a little kid :D I love being a kid :D So yeah, I still have a hard time believing how wonderful, peaceful, family was Thanksgiving, even without the turkey. Maybe things will actually start getting better... Oh and we talked about going to Ottawa for Christmas, but maybe I will go somewhere else for New Years, cause I was not happy with their plan, and what is New Years without getting drunk, stoned and laid right ;) Talking about laid, I really need sex again. gosh I am so addicted it is not even funny anymore :/

Oh, yeah, so today I had fight with someone, good grief whatever. It does not even bother me that much. I am such a cold bitch I love myself wow :D And I had a 2.5 hhours budget meeting for UCRC. And I did promise to go to bed on time and wake up at 8:30 am, after 13 hours sleep last night. So bi bi
Love you :D

Artifacts

2004-10-07T23:55:00.000-04:00

Titles are so random lately cause I am random myself. A. loves when I just say something out of the blue and we augh like insane :D

Today was great :D I dunno why, but was great :D Just really the kind of days I would like to have all the time :D Not sure about the reason, but I can think of few. First, well, it was a couple of important people's birthday :D So maybe I have gotten back the ability to feel people's emotions, especially the positive ones. Second, well, ok, I know I am obsessed, but if it makes me happy, then why complain??? It is that great word with 3 letters that makes you feel like you are in heaven ;) You know what I mean :D Third, cause I got sleep :D Lots of it! Even though I keep pushing myself to go to bed at midnight, but as you can see, breaking the promise yet again.

Oh, what I did? Well, I studied wow :D In the JCR. We are not going to mention the little immature accident that happened, but honestly, I am so sorry for that person. But moi was in total control and I love myself :D And hearing some nice things from people I thought I got problems with was very interesting experience too ;) Thanks :D
Also, even my class wasn;t that boring, cause I combined studying with listening, and me is super proud of my productivity :D Lab on the other side should be way more productive.
I did go to the hospital, saw a bunch of kids, one of them screamed big time at me wow. Poor baby :( He has definately been very nervous :( Otherwise, was ok :)
Oh, The Thanksgiving Dinner!!! Adam and a bunch of people from my house cooked, and I had that aweome salad with fruits in it, and cranberry jam and pineapple! We all got stuffed! So Canadian!!! Was so nice, even though the frosh were not around. As always....
And I watched my first 2 hours of TV in few months! Survivor and the Apprentice! Ok, I admit it, I like reality shows wow. better than the Simpsons! Nobody kill me now :D

I remembered what was I going to talk about on the weekend... I found someone who deals with people exactly the same way as I do. Unfortunately, he happens to be one of my good friend's boyfriend... The way she described their relationship though and his reactions was exactly what I do... He puts high demands on her, expects her to be very attached, he is jealous, very loving and caring, understanding, but at the same time still wants to keep the distance and does not want to let her way too close in his life... And when she does something to hurt him, he just closes himself... and then in few weeks he has moved on and forgotten about everything... The only difference between us is that he forgets. I go back in 6 months or so and try to fix things, try to get the friendship at least back. Sometimes it works, other times it does not... It never worked with S. or J.... But it did work with G. I keep thinking if he was not my brother and teacher I would probably be with him now. I really love him... And what is more important, I know he loves me... Probably more than I love him.

So anyways, obviously, I am not the only person who prefers avoidance than dealing with situations. I am trying very hard to change things though.

Adam invited me over on Sunday and Monday, but i have to work... and I am seeing my parents on Monday. They are taking us to Niagara on the lake and then to restaurant or something... Uhmmm, ok, I am terrified by meeting them. But I figured, I am not gonna see them till Christmas, so better try be a nice daughter now.

Note to self: No more sleeping with nothing on, cause I am gonna get something from A. or someone else very soon! OK! it is not worth it if the price is sickness. And I cannot get sick right now for sure!!!

K, time to push myself into sleep :D
Night Night
love you :D

Reassurance

2004-10-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

So this is pretty much all I need now. And has been going good so far from various people. Evan said at the training today that he is sure i will be probably the most hard-working person. I got tones of thank you e-mails from various people in the last 3 days. And I get even more verbally. And the best are the hugs and kisses from friends :D They are so totally cute :D

Ok, so my body just cannot function on less than 8 hours. I did wake up around 11 tonight... Another morning lost. Need to kick myself out of bed on a regular basis nowadays. Shhhh!!! Shut up! I need my beauty sleep :D

Work was very interesting today. First because obviously Carolyn has made a point to improve our communication by seeing me every Tuesday after I get in the office. And second because of the amazing flashback I got from one of the interviews....

She described exactly what I have been feeling... The feeling that strangers understand her better than her friends, the isolation from people because they could not handle the situation, the superficious friends who were always so happy when she had to deal with the schizophrenic son, the cries of her sister and daughter to forget and be left alone from it, the social disfunctioning, the older people who could be there for her more than anyone else... the self-blame and settling for what she could handle. She just could take only some. And seemed like n matter how much she tried to change things, it never worked, because they would never understand what was in her soul. And they all knew about him!
... I was smiling and laughing, and nodding all the time. This woman was ME!!! All I am feeling... Then I realized, it probably happens to any family member in such situation. It is not ME that causes it to be this way, it is the internalization of the experience... It hurts to see others feeling what I feel. I wish I could talk to her and tell her she is not alone... I guess no matter how emotional this is for me, it is good at the end, because it gives me the chance to virtually interact with other people so I can see that I am not alone, that I am not weak or cruel, it just happens that way because the human mind is unable to comprehend what is going on in our minds. It's scary that I am part of that community without face though... Now I am pretty sure I will really be a volunteer for family rights some day soon.

There must be something wrong with the weather, cause i got my eyes on 2 guys today, and I talked to both of them just briefly. ts ts... i will not count that as cheating though :D shut up! the 6 months are over so I am allowed to do that :D

Also! I talked to her for 15 min today! And they will come pick me up Monday after I wake up. I am so damn scared! At least it is not inside, because I would freak out then. I think I am terrified of being in theor home, because I feel so locked there. But going in the car to a nice place would be much easier :D Take it one step at a time :D

Pub was not as negative as I thought it may be. Actually pretty nice :) And I liked H. 's friends, espcially one particular shhhh shut up!!! :D Doesn't matter :D
Ok, I still got to send at least like 5 e-mails because of all the committee I am involved in . Oh btw I am seriously working on pronouncing this word the right way :D

K, Nighty Night
Love you :D

Serendepity

2004-10-04T23:41:00.000-04:00

According to most of my neighbours, I got the best roomy room in the house, and it is very cosy and what not. I love my room too :D But then, as I told them, this is my only home, and all I do is move from one res room to another. So I should at least try to make it feel like home. :) people say that home is where you feel like at home. In the last year I have changed like 4 places. The beginning wasn;t exactly homy, but now this is my home and I love it :D I think I will be sticking around for some more time too.

Everything is going really smooth. No problems of even slight importance, which makes me really happy and relaxed nowadays. Still not sure what I am doing for Thanksgiving though... Well, I work Sunday night, and I got invited to a party on Saturday night, so going there. A. is leaving town for the weekend and will not be home till Monday, and the house will be pretty empty as well. I thought to call them and go visit maybe Monday, but they did not say anything, and I really feel weird seeing them. I know I have to try again, but honestly, after the last time and all the bullshit, I am don;t feel like dealing with the again. Maybe Christmas... Which reminds me I will have to tell Nona I cannot leave res for the holidays and will need to stay here... Probably will either go somewhere out of town or visit friends/family. I saw that ad for New Years in Montreal for only 100 bucks, so that would be tones of fun :D Anyways, there is still time to think about that.

Seriously, if I get more e-mails I am gonna completely shoot someone. last night alone I wrote about 20, and during the day got like uhmmm over 10 for sure. At least it is not phone calls wow :D

The idea about reveiling the truth keeps bugging me. I mean, it will be with only a couple of people, but still... this is a major test for them, and I really don;t want to confuse them. At the same time, I know that if I want our friendship to be really real, I will need to tell them eventually anyways. They keep asking... Sometimes I say things... like I told A. certain minor things, and C. is really curious, and she keeps asking me. I hate when people pity me.

What else? Uhmm... I am super happy these days :D Mainly cause of Nate and Gary :D I always think about them and they make me smile :D

Oh... Don;t ask me why, but I have been thinking about death... You know how people sometimes scream when they hear that word. I told A. that if I die tomorrow I will not regret dying. It is true. But not as for G. in the negative way. For me being able to say that is a strength, love, pride, confidence, belief... I am happy with the way things work out now. And you know what I wanted always in my life? To make one person smile, to make one person's life better. I have. I see it in Nate's eyes when I open the door and he calls my name and run towards me and has the biggest smile on his face. And when we are out playing on the swings or the slide, and all the amazing things he does and the laughter... This is my happiness. This is all I ever wanted. And I got it :D I really will not regret dying :D he is probably the only person who can make me cry... *tear* Love you baby!

Ok, I know there was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot and sleep is not bad idea right now :D

Nighty Night
My heart yours

Cat's Eye

2004-10-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

Is the name of the stone on my necklace. I am sure you all have seen it because I am extremely proud of it and I also believe it keeps me from negative energies. So I finnaly found earings and bracellet that are also with this particular stone, and I adore them all! They are so pretty. I also found the symbolics around the cat's eye, and it has the wonderful things like confidence, self-assertiveness and I forgot what else. But as A. said, it all was exactly a description of who I am :D I am proud of myself too :D

The weekend was great as always :D I loved it! Oh, we watched First Daughter on Friday, and it was way way way tooo sweeet! I don't cry at movies, so no problems for me there, but a lot of people around us did wow. Not sure if A. cried.
Sex training was great as always, especially today when we got the LGBTQ people to talk about personall experiences. I have not been so close and face-to-face with a transsecual person before, so was a great experience. So now I am all set to go for a SEC counsellor :D And I get the party shift: Friday 6-9 pm with two more very nice and talkative people, so should be fun :D We may organize our own games or events, or movies or whatnot cause it may be kinda slow :D

The SEC training on coming out was a very interesting impact on me... It is weird, but I am much more comfortable coming out sexually, than talking about the other stuff. BUt the way they described their experiences with the shame and guilt and people calling them names really reminded me of the feelings I experience. They may not be about LGBTQ issues, but very much similar. And it makes me very angry that many people around me, from the old surrounding are very conservative and even hurtful when it comes to sexual coming out. Even more so when it comes to other types... I keep convincing myself that I definately need to fuck off all old close minded people in my life and just move on.

And on the coming out issues, I have been thinking to share with A and C, because they are very nice and supportive, and I know they will understand and will not judge me, and will not leave me after I tell them. One day I will be an advocate for family members support services in CAMH. But I first really need to come out to myself first, and be honest. I know I have been doing that since it happened, but I am still uncomfortable with my friends... One reason because of many wrong people in my life who I know will not take it very well, would blame me, or even worse, will say nothing. Sometimes I cannot believe what kind of people I have been liking in the past. Time to change that.

Otherwise, I still feel tired, but at least the long weekend with no training is coming so I will have the time to catch up with stuff. And go out inbetween, because this weekend I just prefered to relax at home and watch some teary movies :D

Ok, I actually need to go to work, so I will talk to you some other time.

Love you :)
Nighty Night!

A BABY!!!!!!!!!!! :D

2004-10-01T01:56:00.000-04:00

Today was a great day :D cause I did a littl ebit of everything. So me be happy tonight :D
K, so I read that stupid commonsensical chapter of my text, and was weird, cause I could totally relate to it all. Was on health psych so yeah... I hate when my subjects relate to my personal experiences. Sometimes it reminds me too much of the past... But school is school and we gotta do what we gotta do.
Don;t get me wrong, I LOVE icecream , well the fruity one, but having 2 a day is not the best thing ever... But considering there is no other food at the Union for me, icecream be it. I really wanna see what power do I have as a Res Food Director to change things at the Union. I am already gathering ideas for other events though :D Who could have though that I will be dealing with res food!
Oh, and today was a great sunny day, so I had an hour for myself in front of UC licking my ice cream. I felt like I was 2 :D
yes yes, I did go to the lab today! And I did do work, so don't blame me I am being lazy and irresponsible.
And the best things ever!!!!! THE BABY!!!! So I went to Sick Kids, and on the way was thinking how I will be bored and what not. And it did seem this way. I met my new partner, and she seems really nice :) Then I spend 1.5 hours with a baby on my chest! he was so amazngly cute :D But he was starving and his mom was not there, so he was lonely. He was 6 months old, and his name was Dercio I think... wow. So calm and sweet. He tried to cry a few times but I calmed him down :D I am so happy of myself :D And he fell asleep over me for like 30 min. This was such an amazing experience! I really really really want to be a mother! Well, maybe in a few years :)
Steering meeting was okie :D I kinda felt bad to cut people, but I was too tired to care anyways, and there was someone there who could take the initiative for both of us. Thanks mate, I owe you :D

Guess what? I did take one of the ideas from these cruel nasty senseless people. talked to S. and D. tonight, cause I don;t wanna have any negative experiences with anyone. I saw someone today *shiver*gross!!!! And in the good spirit of happiness, I even thought to talk to him, but oh gosh good S. convinced me it is all invain. You cannot reason with stubborn people, yours trully is a prime example wow. Meh, life has battles. Some we lose. Most we win :D :D :D

I also made crystals with Aangie and the other people in MC. And watch the IS president debate. Wow such silliness. I need to visit OBE and see what they think about the president campaign :D That would be so much fun listening to Americans feeling ashamed and guilty cause of their own president ha ha ha :D I love joking around with them :D Sorry G&J&D*co, couldn;t resist guys :D I still love you though :D Americans or not ;)

And, I have been getting insane number of e-mail sbecause of all the committees I am on. That's hectic man :D

Ok, time to sleep ,cause gotta wake up at 7 am for Carnival day set up. Reminds me of Frosh week :D And then gotta go to the lab, and then work, and then meeting, and then pub, and shopping and MOVIEEEEEEE :D

Love you :D
Nighty night

Food Foof get me food :D :D :D

2004-09-30T01:15:00.000-04:00

So I did go to the UCRC meeting tonight, and ran for Food Director and got it. Wow. Was a really torturous 3 hours meeting, but it is over now and time to sleep. I will need a bunch of ideas as to how to deal with the terrible food, and what we can do in terms of weekends and what not. So anyways, I got few ideas, will work on that later on.
Also, my prof decided not to come today! he posted on the website that he is sick, but the post appeared like 15 min before the class. Hello!!! You are not the only person who values time! bummer.
I definately need to go to the lab tomorrow. And to the bank, and go get more posters. And also take Angie with me. I am trying to get things organized in my mind, but it just does not work. Maybe I should introduce you to a relaxing day in Nina's weekday schedule. Tis what we got tomorrow:
9-12: Study in the JCR for my test in health psych.
12-1: bank, poster, food!!!
1-2: class
2-3:30: gotta go work on my independent project before Joan come hunt me down
4-6: Sick Kids, and i need to get paper and notebooks :(
6:30- food
7: Biome steering Committee meeting
8-12 studying for my HMB lab
and then SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP :D :D :D
So yeah, fun fun fun.
Anyways, no more blabbering. I miss G. :( I wish he was around tonight too :(

K, love you

The Forgotten

2004-09-29T01:57:00.000-04:00

That movie totally freaked me out! I jumped a bunch of times and hided in my friend, cause I was so scared! And I was shaky, and had hard time to get going after the movie. But was tones of fun to see it with my friends :)
I talked to Emily today, and told her about stuff. She said I should do like her and screw my old "friends" and hang out with people who really care about me. So I did that tonight and that totally brought me back :D SO I am happy again :D It is the people that mess me up, not me :D
Also, I was in a dizziness and rage the whole morning, but went to the bbq and loved it :D And saw some friends, which was nice :) I like seeing people and chatting :) in REAL LIFE! Also, I went to the gym right after work because I just could not handle that power and energy and anger inside me. I did 197 heart rate on the bike for a while, but wished I did 200 as planned. I loved it totally :D
So now the world looks much better :D
And the best part was just few minutes ago when I talked to G. OMG! I love him! He was so nice and sweet, and we talked like normal people, no fights, no swearing, no name calling. Was so great :) I love him :D And I miss him :D He is such an attention whore! ha ha :D But he made me smile, and feel all cosy, happy, and confident :) So things are great again :)

Love you
Nina

TAKE THE CHALLENGE I OFFER YOU!!!

2004-09-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

So, I have been getting all these comments from pretty much everyone on my online contacts, and it has been annoying me. So I decided to Allow you people to try to get your opinions in my mind, to criticise me openly and make whatever you want out of it. If you are up for that, read down. The full post you can check out at the Comments on the previous post. Here are the most important points:

And I got to the idea that the fact I know most of you mostly online is an obvious disadvantage. neither of you have interacted with me in person enough to be able to distunguish the person i am online and the person I am in real life. I would never allow myseld to say things in real life which I say on Biome or on here. And of course, my blog is mine so I can share my experiences. The difference comes from my past. I used to be part of a community on IRC few years back. Whar happened then has a lot of relevance, and I still behave similar ways. In real life though, I am just not that person. I hate MSN, IRC or even Biome now. They create a picture of me which is not true at all for the face-to-face interactional me. And you all make assumptions based on what I post , and the way I express myself. A huge mistake, because the person online is NOT ME! I tend to be much more vocal, opinionated, cruel and bitchy online. And what is the worst, you people do not even make the effort to try to get to know me. Has any of you approached me in real life and tried to spend some time one-on-one with me? I do not think so.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make is that you just should come to me with open mind, without the assumptions.

SO here is the deal: Since you believe that you have something to contribute, you should try to be patient and convince me that I should change. I am very stubborn, so it will take some effort. if you are up for the challenge, I would love to hear any advice, no matter how cruel, rude, or angry it is. The only way to deal with me is to attack me extremely violently. So go ahead and do it, and you will see the results. And to protect yourselves, I suggest you use Anonymous nickname, so that there are no personal feelings. Be my counsellor! Help Me! Make the difference you are struggling for. And if you cannot deal with me, and are not willing to take the challenge, then do not make assumptions about me, do not judge me, and let me live my life the way I believe is best for me.

I urge you all to play the game, because that is your chance to change ME and express all your thoughts, and I will not be able to fire back, cause you all will be Anonymous.
And yes, you are allowed to bring people here and make them criticise me as well.
But, please keep the content confidential.
Thanks.

Weekend news

2004-09-26T18:18:00.000-04:00

So, the weekend was buuuusy, but definately very interesting :D
SEC training can be a lot of fun, and not like most trainings at all. I learnt a lot, from how to cope with stuff to sex toys. I admit, definately sex toys was the area I learnt a lot from and made me wanna improvise more :D

And I saw Nate :D OMG!!! If I die tomorrow, I will not regret my life, mostly because of that child! He was just playing with the ball, and on the slide, and with other kids! You have no idea what an amazing progress he had had in the last 6 months! I am so proud of my baby :D And that smile when he saw me yesterday, and yelling my name, OMG! He makes me the happiest person in the world :D Now thinking about him I get all teary. I love you baby I love you more than anyone else! He is the only person I know loves me unconditionally and will never hurt me! I love him :D

In other news, M. pissed me off big time last night. Cause I wanted to be with him, and he brought his friend, they were 45 min late, so we ended up being 45 min late to the club. And he did not dance with me or anything. And was all so silly. He is such a pussy man. And all that freaking out about the parking and drining in downtown. I know I was kinda mean, but whatever. I dunno, there is no point to try to push him, cause I know for sure there is not way anything will get better. The pure truth is that we are on the two complete ends of the spectrum of life and there is not chance we will ever compromise at any point. He just cannot deal with me. And I am certainly not willing to deal with him. I do not need a whining boneless creature in my life. I want a real man. So yeah... yes, I know I am cruel, but you know what? I do not give a FUCK about anyone anyways. My life will either be the way I want it, or it will not be at all. End of question.

Now I go sleep cause I gotta work at 12.

P.S. Maybe I should make SystemSounsbar my favourire Saturday night club :D

Bullshit!

2004-09-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

Fuck! I am tired of all that stupidity around. Like seriously, I am stupid myself to alow people to just apologize, and then I act like nothing is wrong and life is great again, when they do not deserve me. Wtf! It is not enough just to SAY you care and want me in your life! You need to ACT like it and DO it. I don;t buy stupid words, or at least I should not. Cause I have seen it millions of times that it does not matter at all. So sick it up Nina and get to your fucked up nice sweet loving mind that people do not give a shit about others, and you should not give either. Who cares? nobody. Don;t come to me with the excuse that he does, cause he does not either. Whatever, fuck it up. I just wanted you to know.
And I fucking hate when people make plans behind my back. This is not friendship. So you can be with me whenever you are lonely and wanna feel good but you cannot invite me with you for coffee. Whatever. I have enough shit in my life already to need whoever. People are jerks. They do not get it. So just let them live in their dreamworld. Cause at the end the only one that cares about you is yourself. Not that I myself care about myself. And yeah, I am mad. And no, it is not because of last night. I do not even remember last night! Screw it! Screw me too. I just do not remember. It does not matter anyways, nothing really matters anymore. So just don;t allow your heart rate to get over it is supposed to be, cause no excutement is worth it. People do not appreciate, I will not appreciate them either. End of story.
K, now fuck it all and go to bed.
Oh yeah, no more drugs. They just fuck me over. Unless it is weed, forget about the drugs. Weed is the only good thing I can trust.
K get your mind to that.
Fuck you.

The funniest prank ever

2004-09-23T01:55:00.000-04:00

... is when you create an image of yourself that is very different from your real you. You just play along. I find it so funny, especially with people I do not know and do not care about, and who make assumptions easily and are closely minded. I love it :D I guess it is a habit from my other life. Damn, I hate how past can follow me so closely all the time! I thought since I was able to stop the sex I could stop the rest too. But nah, it is my second nature. Anyways, I love having fun, and this is way too much fun :D :D :D Shhh, not telling others ;)

K, I am dizzy, so since I am not pregnant it should be tiredness.
ni ni :D

We missed you :D

2004-09-21T23:51:00.000-04:00

isn;t that sweet :D
i have been running around since 9 am, so I wanted to get to bed early today. Sleep is good :D
So I played cards in my common room. It is hard to get to know people fast, espcially when they all are friends already. But I started feeling more and more comfortable around them, and after few more events things should be great.
And right after I jetter to McCaul to play Mafia, which was a lot of fun, and I did get killed few time, my huge mouth again :D And i felt great there, like with friends, and we all liked playing, so was great :D

In more personal news, I am gonna see him tomorrow, and damn I am scared. I will have to put a lot of effort to be nice and sweet and try to just relax. I mean, it is different now cause we know we care and we missed each other, but still... Knowing how both of us are, it is really hard to relax again.
So, I guess being a bitch and not caring about much stuff actually worked out for friendship. Even though I do not want to stick with that, maybe I should consider it for future reference :D

And I also tried to talk to D. but he is too busy too, so it is not easy. I hope it is just cause he is busy and not cause he cannot allow himself to get attached to another girl so easily.

So life is up and running again, and my schedule has not been that crazy, not even in the summer. But strangely enough, I keep up with readings and what not :D
I love my self :D I deserve a huge hug and kiss from myself :D Love you much much much :D *MWA*

P.S. My friends said my don has the face of Brat Pitt :D Too bad he has a gf :( He would be a good person :D But then he is too much of J and J's type so I dunno :D I still got to see his gf though :D

E-mail can stir me up

2004-09-21T01:17:00.000-04:00

I woke up today after my night shift, and I got an e-mail from someone special... This was so weird... Right on the first paragraph I was shaking and felt like I was gonna cry. He still thinks about me and he wants things to be back the way they were. I just could not resist. I guess he knows my weaknesses well enough to make me emotional again.
So I hope that giving him a new chance will not be a mistake, and maybe things will be nice again. And he made me happy. Been awhile since I felt that kind of nice friendly excitement.

And, M. is coming with me on Saturday night :D I know he is gonna be major time high and will drink, but so what :D It is all about the fun. I am not sure yet if I want him to sleep over after though...
Anyways, I need sleep :D
night baby MWA :D

Late night Thoughts

2004-09-15T01:17:00.000-04:00

I guess I have forgotten what emotional effect a lot of events and late night hours have on me... I should try to escape that I guess, because "Emotions are Evil". This is actually one of the notes on my door too :D Scares people away :D
house meeting was interesting... so many new people, so many new things, I am kinda excited and whatnot about it...
But whatever, I told Angie I am not excited about anything much anymore. I guess it is kinda true. I am floating in a state of existance. I am happy in a very calm way. I have no emotions whatsoever though. I am not crazy about anyone or anything. I am not upset by anything. Things are just so smooth...
I hate it. I love. I dunno... Emotions make me unstable, scared, confused. No emotions take away my persona. The summer was AMAZING. Purely amazing. The reason because I learnt how to deal with everything that may cause emotional disturbances in my life. No stressors, no caring about people. Everything so calm. But I am a little tired of that I guess. FOr someone so used to emotions, no emotions means state of nothingness... Going around in a loop in the state of nothingness not understanding what reality is or what people are. GARY! GARY! GARY!
Things are going way too well. I need something to stir me up and make me care. Even anger/frustration/screams seem like a wonderful exciting experience right now.
At least there is not much chance of getting a hear attack :D

Mixed feeling... Expected

2004-08-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

FUCK! My baby got stolen :( I freaked out when I walked out of the hospital and he was not there. If there are two things I really love and care about, they are my bike and my laptop. And now one of them is gone. FUCK! But, the break was nasty and the seat was bad too, so I am going for a new one. I am not changing my plans because of that for sure. Fuckers. I did go to the security desk and they said I had to go around the whole hospital and see if I had not locked it somewhere else. Like duh! And I called the police, but they could not do anything because the serial number was gone.

Anyways. I could. bad bad mistake. Haven't I learnt my lesson that there is NO FUCKING POINT OF CALLING PEOPLE!!!! NOBODY CAN HELP ME!!!! I know it is cause I still hope, but huney bunny, THE HOPE DIED LONG TIME AGO!

Anyways, so I am going biking shopping tomorrow to Walmart and Canadian Tire. Hope I find something... But I am buying a bike no matter what! Cause I am fucking going to that camping trip. going to Canadian tire may even help me cause I need a tent and a flashlight and so on anyways :D Think positive :D

And now the GREAT NEWS!!! So, I got 95% on my first Sociology paper !!!!!!! :D I am so so so happy :D And guess what! The prof Lorne tepperman invited me for a work study group with him. Too bad I already talked to Carolyn to stay there. But it would have been an interesting experience. I need to chahnge my job next year I think...

Also, I have an interview for PSY303 independent project tomorrow with Janet Astington, who happens to be one of the chairs of departments in OISE. So, hopefully I get it :D

Talking about projects, I spend most of the day today talking to Dale and John about my project, which is due next Wednesday. I finally decided what I want to do, but still got some stuff going on. And it is fucking hard to concentrate on my project now, cause I just wanna get my break from that job. And everyone else wants the same. I guess every thing has a way to end :D

So, yeah. I guess the plans for tomorrow night are off after tonight, but I am gonna go some biking shopping :D

See ya:D

SHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

2004-08-18T23:46:00.000-04:00

This is the first night for months when I am taking off, and doing things slow, and just relaxing.
My exam did Ok. But, I got 95% on my essay!!!! Is that normal wow!!! I am very happy, but makes me wonder how is it possible to get my highest mark on a essay I wrote at 5 am the morning it was due. Well, I guess working in mental health actually helps writing essay on the topic :D
In other news, I went for a night walk around the campus. SS has a huge TV screen and they have the Olympics on during the day. Too bad they do not have it on at night as well.
Then I went to St. Mike and Victoria. I have never been there, but was very nice place, and interesting. I am going to go there and get pics of all the nice places and the umbrella tree.
Also, reming me to go visit every single library on campus :D I want to explore!!!!! :D

I was in the shower, and there was that guy in the shower next to me. I could smell his shampoo. I think I do not like man shampoo though. It hurt my eyes.

I cannot wait for my biking/camping/meditation tour. Should be awsome :D

Something else, so last night I went on a walk to O'Grady's where some of the Biomers were drinking. And I saw somebody I did not exact want to see right now. But, again, I was surpirsed by myself :) I think I have learnt how to deal with my emotions really well. I did not want to talk to him, so I was avoding him, and just said I am ok when he asked me. But then I felt guilty. So I was nice and talked to him. I mean, it is unavoidable that we will have that serious talk again, but I wanted to leave it till school starts. Things are way too good and way too busy right now to allow anything to make my summer bad.

And M. is probably mad at me. Well, I mean, I do understand him since I cut him off that cruely all the times he asked me out. But I told him right at the beginning I was not the dating type and that I am busy. I guess it took him time and rejections to realize that I was just honest with him. I mean, he is not the type of guy who can take a girl like me. And I do not want to take him through that either. but I do want to see him this Saturday night, go out, have some fun. I mean, he deserves at least that if nothing else :)

I am going shopping with my mother on Friday after work. I am scared. because I am not really sure what t expect, and the bad memories are still coming back, but I decided to give her another chance. And I have really changed and I am super proud now of my abilities to deal with myself and others, so hopefully I can have an enjoyable evening. If not, the movie will kill the extra tense hours before it is time for them to go home :)

SO, I love the music tonight. Lounge :D
good night :)

What do you want?

2004-08-16T22:31:00.000-04:00

"I want (pause), when my time has come, to lie down on the grass on the top of the mountain (tear) back in Bulgaria (pause), look at the valley, smell the roses, feel the wind, hear the silence... I want then to say, I am happy."

Do you know what a Blow job is?

2004-08-12T21:58:00.000-04:00

If you are thinking again that I am perverted and I always think about sex, this time you are very wrong :D blow Jobs is the name of a shooter :D And as I heard, a really good one :)
So, tonight was Nancy's goodbye party :( OMG, I am so gonna cry :(
She got trashed. Totally trashed. And she puked a lot. I was with her. And I think I have gotten pretty good in babysitting. She is very much like me when I am drunk: too self conscious and worried about the opinion of other people. I guess it is normal for people like us :)
her bf came to pick her up, but did not pay any attention to her. I dunno, I wanted to kick him in the butt, cause he seemed like he did not care. Maybe just he looked this way. I dunno, he is a nice person but not very responsible... And Em was kinda harsh with Brian, and yeah, some things just should not have happened. But was fun to see the whole unit together, and nicely chatting and laughing. I like it exactly because you get people from all levels coming together :D
And tomorrow I need to pull my essay, cause Carolyn is going to throw me through the window otherwise wow!
So I was going to go watch Alien vs Predator, but I guess I will next week, because I really need to study tomorrow night and Saturday night and Sunday night and Monday night and Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon, and then go and do my exam and be free of at least that!!!
AND!!!! I got the job as a porter :D And I will be living in Sir Dan's :D I have no idea which House yet, but should be cool :) So this is my THIRD part time job for September! wow! I cannot wait to see everyone form res back. But I am scared because I have no free time whatsoever... Sigh... Sometimes I need to sacrifice too many things in order to survive...
ANd I know it is 10, but I am already in bed ready to sleep, and this time I do not want any late night distractions. Just normal sleep. I need to relax more ...
And talking about relaxing, I think I am really going to do the camping thing. So i will ude the 3-4 days I will have after my job is finished for the summer and before frosh week starts. I will buy a 2-person tent, put it in my huge back, get some blankets, my swimming suit, some food and water, and I will go camping to the closest nice camping site. And will lie on the beach and do nothing. And go to bed at 9 with the starts, and wake up at 7 with the sun. And just relax, meditate, walk around, enjoy. And the most important thing: i will be ALONE!!! Just me!!! nobody else around, just ME :D I need that to power up for the next 9 months of craziness.
So, good night :)

Time management and business

2004-08-11T00:21:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking about that today. I thought I had mastered it by now, but I guess that is practically impossible.
you realize you are super busy when you need to call your mom 2 weeks in advance to book a time when both of you can go shopping like mother and daughter together, have dinner and watch movie.
You realize you have no time left when you flip your calendar to find a spot for a dinner with a friend who is leaving for Hong Kong for 2 years, and all you can make is the day before your final exam for an hour.
You realise you are just trashed by things to do when your best res body frm last semester sends you an e-mail that she wants to spend time together when she comes back on Sep 7, and you find out that the first free minute you will have for her is probably before bedtime on Sep 11.
I mean, man, what have I done with my life!!! It is amazing, I love it! But sometimes I am just tired of making plans for every single moment, just because I cannot afford to lose one hour, because my work will be not done, my studying will be behind, and I will have to lose an hour of so needed sleep.
Oh, well, I will relax when I am 70 and with some disease that will not allow me to travel or study anymore :( Hope that never happens.

On the other side, business is the only thing that saves me from daytime nightmares, procrastination and all that bullshit.

Anyways, I have been doing telephone interviews in the last 3 days, and now I know not only exactly what to ask in every single moment, but also what kind of response I will get. very sad.
And I have been calling new students to advertize frosh week and I feel like a telemarketer wow. I now remember why I hate so much talking to people on the phone... It is the bad memories from that job so long ago...

Work is stressfull, now more than before. Nancy is leaving on Friday, and Carolyn is panicking. At least I did my job, or the one she most insisted on. Now I have to do a bunch of documentation for 2 projects, and at the same time write my lovely paper, because Nora is gonna hate me even more if I do not. I do not like her, but I really need to do that... *sigh*...

And I have an exam next Wednesday, so no going out with M. this Saturday, and he will be bitching again that I am always busy, and will make scenes and will try to hide how much he hates when I ignore him. Oh well hun, I warned you that I am not an easy girl, even less so girlfriend.

K, time for bed before I sleep through the alarm again tomorrow :D

night :D

Another awesomeness weekend :D

2004-08-08T23:22:00.000-04:00

I loved my weekend again :D
Saturday Nate and me went to RIverdale farm which was really nice place, felt like out of the country, except that we could hear the cars on the highway. And, Nate has that new obsession with water, and he runs into every single puddle, and screams if I want to take him away. So, no matter how much I tried to prevent him from doing that, he run into one of these little pool kinda things with the fountain in the middle of the park. So we both got wet up to the knees. I was thinking next time I should bring him his bathing suit and let him play in the water :D At least he will enjoy it. But the week after he will want more and more. So maybe that will be just reinforcing his obsession? We will have to do a cost-benefit analysis on the situation vefore making a balanced well-rounded decision :D
And, I also did a bunch of interviews for frosh leaders. Was kinda fun, and I enjoyed talking to most of them. The hard part is when I will have to tell some of them I do not want to work with them... I dunno, vibes, it is all about the vibes...
There is that guy I really like for a long time now. But he has a girlfriend... I guess all good man are always taken or do not want commitment and go single... Oh well, he is a great bud and somebody I can completely trust with my work :D

Sunday I woke up at 9 am by myself... Such a mistake... I still felt tired though.
And went to Taste of the Danford with Cass and Dea and like 10 more of their friends. I did not know many of them, but was very much fun, and I really enjoyed it. Had some vegetable pta, and kadaif... mmm so much like home :D And the pics of Greece and Rome Jeff showed us made me tear for back home... And I had a strawbery something iced something, which was realllyyy goood!!!
And my back luck worked again, because as we were going out of the Demetri's place, it started to rain. I biked bakc home, and got totally and completely hardcore soaked! Again, for the 5=6th time this summer! I guess this is why I like walking naked in the rain so much :D

Anyways, I was ready for bed aroun 6 pm today, which is like 5.5 hours ago, so I think I deserve some sleep :D

Nighty night :D

Chick flincks are good ;)

2004-08-07T01:12:00.000-04:00

So, she did it again. She left me a message saying she forgot she had to work till 2 am. Well, hun, I have told you millions of times that a person with schedule like mine does not have much time for people to call plans off. So I was super nice to her. And you know what, it did not bother me the least. I went shopping, bought some really nice sexy sporty stuff from La Senza, then tees and sport skirts, and I got Nancy a stuffed moose :D I will miss her so much :( Gotta take her for dinner SOON! Then, well, I called me mother, and was like: When are we going to go shopping as a mother and a daughter? She laughed, but then we booked a time for us to go together. I dunno if I want even my bro to come. I mean, it is supposed to be mother and daughter right...
Then I went to see The Little Black Book, which was a total chick flick, but was nice and sweet and smart and you know all that garbage. Exactly what I needed tonight :) Btw, I hate biking downtown when there are so many people. Esp around midnight!
So, I need some sleep before going to work tomorrow. And guess what! Tonight I actually have one of the sexy sleep wears I have from La Senza on ;) trying to take care of myself wow :D
Night :)

ICE CREAM FROM CAROLYN!!!!

2004-08-06T00:26:00.000-04:00

CAn you imagine!!! She actually both Nancy and me ice cream :D And she said that it is because we are working hard and she sees how much we are stressing out over the fucked up drug project I feel like fucking over hardcore. Anyways, sorry for the swearing, I just needed to do it wow :D
So, we still keep going with that stuff. Nancy is leaving at the end of next week and her flight is on Aug 22. I need to buy her something, maybe a pic of me, or a card of TO with a funny note, or maybe both. And I want to take her out for dinner too, because she did so much for me, and I will miss her so much and she is so amazing and I love her to pieces! And today she called me and was like, hey Love ;) Isn;t that cute :D And she is even cuter! And I will make tones of pics of her and me and send them to her and so on. Too bad she will not be here for my presentation :) I will miss her :( Why it is always that when I like someone and we get along something happens ans one of us has to leave? I told you that my life is always that way... :(
I miss you already Nancy :(

k, I need to sleep now, after the 12 hours marathon yesterday wow :)
Nighty night :D

NEVER AGAIN such insanity!!!!

2004-08-06T00:10:00.000-04:00

I am STUPID!!! very very very stupid!
So it is the summer, I work full time 9-5. And I decide to crash a 3000 word essay on mental health and stigma for my SOC101 class in one freaking day! So I started at 6:30 and was done around 5:30 am. Good H. was online the whole night, because I was going to collapse. NOt to mention the next day was insane and I could hardly deal with the pressure at work.
Which reminds me work is really getting a lot of pressure on me recently. NOt that I care, but after doing the exact same thing millions of times, well it gets bad!!!

Talking about care... honestly, I do not care about anything anymore... I do try sometimes to care about people who care about me. But it does not really work. I do not know. As my friend says, I probably close myself for the word and just live somewhat. I guess it is true. I need a break from so much emotions and so many people. And mainly it is because I do not really like many people, and I know that many people do not like me. And I am tired of knowing that. I just want to isolate myself from all that nothingness. So I stop caring. Looking back 3 months ago, I remember crying because it was so wonderful with him and her. I believed it was really special this time. And right now both of them are out of my life. Another example of seasonal friends. I am wondering how things will be in September. I guess I will just forget what happened and go on.
But seriously, right now I do not care about anyone and anything. I do not even care about myself. The things I do, the people I see, it is more cause I have to, or I want to, or just so I feel good about my life than cause I care. I do get pissed off, but then deep inside me it is just empty. I do like my life though. I adore the way things are right now. AS M. told me, I have everything someone in my position would want. Maybe even more than I should...

So, I am seeing a friend tomorrow, who decided to contact me, and I was a little nasty to her since the last time she messed things up. But I still want to see her, go shopping, go for dinner and movies. NOt that I would not do all these things alone. but I need to be a good friend. I do not care though.
Then, I refused to go to my parents' bbq and house warming party on Saturday. Told them I need a break from them. Which is true. Right now I am fed up with their bullshit and stupif fucked up attitude, so I do not want to see them for some time. But I may be able to convince M. to come over to my place Saturday night, drink some, smoke some weed and go to a club to get wasted. We will see how that goes. I really hope he does not have some serious attentions towards me, cause I will have to cut him off directly, and he is too nice for me to do that. And I do not think he is brave enough to try to sleep with me,s o I think we can have some fun and that would be all.
Sunday I am going with other friends to the Taste of the Danford :D I cannot wait to see the girls :D Should be so much fun :D
So the weekend is gonna be busy wow :D
K, i need to put up another topic :)

Biking and more biking

2004-08-02T00:25:00.000-04:00

i had 4 Hash browns this morning :D I Love them. The people in McDonalds always think something is wrong with me.
I went to the beach, but on the 2nd minute lying down, decided I hated just staying there under the sun doindg nothing. Things have changed in my life.
Also, for the first time in montsh I had an afternoon nap and watched some movies :D
Went for more biking woth my dad and bro.
You have no idea how much food I have eaten today.

So enough stupid facts. I want to go home! In my room! I was so anxious the whole day. Could not calm down. I cannot just stay here. They live so weird lives! I hate it! And they keep saying I should live with them!
M. is mad at me because he thinks I do not like him. WTF! I hate when men are insecure. I think that is how I act with guys too though...
I finally talked to Hn today :) He is tfunny :) But G. has been a jackass, ignoring me. So i am like, ok, I spent a week trying to get to know him. I do not need attitude from some gym maniac who does not think about anything else but his own body. Hello, hun, at your age all you need to think about is SEX!!! at least this is what I think about ;)
NIght

Lots of Fun :D

2004-08-01T00:38:00.000-04:00

I really did have bunch of fun today :D
So I ended up being the first to wake up, and pretended I did some work, but guess was too hot and not willing to really study.
So I did go out with M. to the Caribana parade. Was really nice. He is so sweet and nice. But he did not exactly like the loud music, and all the stuff. but smoking a bunch of cigarettes and a joint kinda fixed him wow. He really tried to get me something all the time, like a drink, ice cream, something to eat, but I was really not comfortable with a guy buying me stuff. But was nice :D I guess after all I like being treated nicely. We talked about pretty much anything. And was weird because he asked me if I liked him... Cause I kinda ditched on BG people. So I had to be real sweet to make him more secure. Guys are weird wow. The best thing was that he is from the nice guys who do not mind me hugging him :) And he made sure I promise to call him and talk to him again and even make plans for the near weeks :D So nice eh ;)
yeah, but, of course there is a BUT. First, he is not my type at all. Neither physically, nor in any other way. He is great, but just he is a guy I would go have fun with and be friends with and share stuff with. But I guess that is the limit. And, I have to admit we have very different unedrstanding on life. And also, he is not exactly up to my standars, I know that sounds cruel, but is the truth.
And on the other hand, I still have my eyes on G. I dunno, but that guy really took my mind wow. So I am taking it very slowly and just being nice and sweet. Too bad he is leaving in a month :( Oh well, I guess that is that.
Also, I went to the movies with dad and my bro and we watched Catwoman, which was pretty nice actually. The music was great too :D
So now I am totally tired and pretty dirty and I need sleep :)
Nighty night

Making new friends

2004-07-31T01:13:00.000-04:00

So, I thought I have lost the ability to make new friends, but I guess that is just psych bullshit as usual. Why I say that? Cause I spend a couple of really nice hours with Claire today, and was so nice. We went to the gym and worked out, and she came to my room, and we talked about guys, and then we walked and talked about family and stuff. And we hugged at the end, and all that nice stuff friends do. I dunno why, but she thinks I am "cute", "adorable", "nice" and so on. I think I have had the wrong friends before, cause very little people actually cared to tell me nice things. She treats me like a little baby :D And se is so cuuuuteee!!! And the best thing is that now in my new schedule I have a class with her and Ken during the year, which will be tones of fun :D
So hopefully she will not be the only case.
I have also noticed that since now I am very much more laid down, I am easier to talk to and more relaxed and all. And alcohol has nothing to do with it, since I have not really drunk at all. If G. knows what I am doing, he will call me liar again wow ;)
Anyways, I hope I can keep that up for the next few months :D
In other good news, I got piles of work, and everyone is freaking out, because Nancy is leaving soon. I need to find her a gift, cause I will miss her and she did so much for me. And btw, she adores me too. wow, I wonder if I am the same person most other people know. I probably am not wow :D
So we had sushi today for lunch and the vegetarian was great. too bad Claire did not like it. BUt she had some of the chocolate cake. I like the summer work when everyone is so nice to us and we get noticed and treated nicely :D
btw, now I am in Etobicoke in my parents'place, sooooo quiet here! It is like a cottage far far away :D I was training for the camping/biking tour after my job is over :) Should be tones of fun :D
And caribana is tomorrow. Still have to decide what I am going to do though.
Anyways, that is all I can allow myself to tell onhere :D
Nighty night

More spicy facts about my lovely life :D

2004-07-30T00:23:00.000-04:00

SO I have been milldly tired and kinda sick, so skipped that stupid class yesterday. BUt I finally got to talk to M. , which is definately a good thing :D Will tell you about that in a sec.
On Monday we had that lecture on adolescence, which Amy was giving. Was ok. Sometimes that stuff is way too researchy for me though wow.
Tuesday we went for dinner to that super busy and expensive Italian place on Front. Cost us like $20 what the hell! And the buffet was not really that good anyways wow. And we watched baseball wow! And Emily and Lori tried to explain to me the rules. Well, the Blue jas lost but whatever. Was cool, cause I think I am getting along with everyone wow :D And I talked to Claire a lot about guys ha ha h ;)
Talking about guys. So G. has not been around,and I dunno, he is kinda weird, so I cannot push him right. Even though I am crazy about that guy wow. I think he is pretty much all I want ;) I still got a month :D
And meeting a lot of BG people recently, which is good.
Oh, tonight went to Elissas bday and saw few people. Was funny :D I like when people are drunk, cause they are nicer then. And I had fun, and just one strawbery dequary (sp?). Definately should do that more often. G. will kill me if I tell him I have had alcohol. BUt whatever.
So, here are your news :D I am going out with M. on Saturday. I am gonna take him with me to the Carribana festival, and we may end up going to the guvernment. He seems to be a party boy, which is exactly what I need right now. And I told him that I am not into dating and crap like that. I mean, he may be nice and whatever, but he is just not my type and not up to my standards, so yeah... wow. BUt you know I like fun, and fun with guys especially, and I do not feel guilty about using him or anything like that. We are gonna use each other and enjoy it.
I am going to my parent's place for the long weekend, even though I will be still coming over to downtown with M. Maybe even sleep over at my place if we are too fucked up to get home.
Will tell you more next week
Ciao ;)

Screw Driver

2004-07-24T01:55:00.000-04:00

I had one tonight and for the first time alcohol made me feel good :D CAuse I was all worked out after spending the whole freaking afternoon trying to figure out all that bullshit with the drugs, and learning some more about the beaurocracy in HSRU. SO I went to the Maddy's with few buds, got a drink, they tried to teach me pool, but I was way too weird to take it serious. BUt some day I am gonna kick everyone's ass in it :)
And we watched that movies Bourne S.. whatever it was wow. NOt that bad. Action movies can be cool when you are all hyped up ;)

In other news.... I met someone... Well, he is Bulgarian, my age, really nice guy, studies pure math in Waterloo wow :D And he is really different from all other BG guys I have met so far. SO I have like 5-6 weeks to get to know him before he leaves. I hope this time it is not just another loser.

Weeekend!!!!!

2004-07-19T00:06:00.000-04:00

ha ha :D I like the weekends :D And mine are always tones of fun and events and stuff :)
So, I got 5 Hash Browns on Saturday morning :D I am soooooo happy!!! I love hash browns :D Even though the people there were so surprised. But I mean, hey I eat them once a week, even more rarely, so I am allowed :D And I like them, so I eat them :D

We went to the Lawrence park form last year. It was fun, and Nate even went on the big swing :D But was so hot! We could not play more than 15 min before getting tired. So he was not in the best mood. BUt the ball was there, so that saved me :) And we went to get Pizza. You know how stupid these people are! They but a ringing bell on the door. So when Nate found that out, he went on the door and kept opening it. Well, not my fault ;) It took him forever to have one bite. And it was so hot! And then the squirrel ate a bunch of it anyways. We went to the library, and I read a fairy tale while he was playing with something. But he hated the bathroom, and that was nasty. So yeah, was fun even with the usual behaviours he gets after 3 pm. He is like a clock I tell ya :D

So then I went to my parents' place. It is so cool and silent there, so calm... I got my bro to come with me to the movies. My mom paid wow! We went biking along Islington, which was crazy, cause he is not in such a good shape, so I had to wait for him a lot. And my legs were shaking after the race on 100 miles cars. Was crazy but my adrenaline shoots big time and I felt damn great :D We watched I Robot, which was also racings, and a lot of schi fi effects, and all that stuff. It's coolio if you want action. Then we had dinner and watched some TV. I watched that Superstar on WB which was such a parody, man Americans are stupid like hell I tell ya.

Was weird, because when I went to bed, all was so dark, and not homish, and just, it felt foreign, and distant, cold... I thought about my room here in Whitney, and this is my bed, this is my home. Well I guess things are the way they are ...

And of course, with my bad luck this week, I got soaked on the way back again. And I did not get to find the peeps at the exec meeting, so yeah, did not go there wow. And I tried to read some stuff but did not work. And then tried to do my schedule, I hate not being able to fit courses where they belong. Damn stupid psych department! These people are plain stupid!!!

So yeah, I gotta study tomorrow and do bunch of shit after registering for courses.

About the other stuff, I REALLY REALLY SO NOT WANT TO TALK O ANYONE. I tried today, and I got pissed, and things did not work, and was just ugly. I am in way too much anger state to deal with people right now unless I really have to deal with them. Anyways, that's life. I need few weeks and everything will be all happy go lucky again.

Night

The gap between two worlds

2004-07-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

This week I felt like I was living in the two completely opposite ends of the spectrum of life.
The result of it all is a lot of pain, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion, and more and more lack of any desire to trust anyone anymore.

Thursday was a flashback...

Have you ever heard of David Streiner? He is a really famous statistician, who wrote a textbook, which is considered a Bible for the HSRU and also used in U of T i think. So I had the opportunity to meet him personally and listen to him and see him how he discusses and criticizes certain issues about a couple of projects on the unit. Then I saw these real brains, like Carolyn and John, being all attentive to him. SO I guess, noone is good, and everyone bows to someone in their life. A very powerful feeling of pride, aand the spirit of knowedge and the other world. I do want to be part of that world, or at least with one leg... Or I thought so after walking from the session.

In the hospital, I saw that Romanian family. It's amazing where I have come to be in only 3 years. I guess I was very much like that girl: all freightened, insecure, scared to ask, scared to know... The family was from Buchurest, kind of poor, Muslim, so I guess not as we were, but the feeling was the same. I had to explain to them a lot, talk slowly and so on. I guess if I was not there, they would have probably not understood anything and just would have walked out, because the dad really insisted. They asked me for my age, cause the mom thought I was 15 :) And then the dad asked me if I was married, and all the other stuff about what I do and my family. I do not like people asking me about my family. Too much assumptions make me feel guilty.

And the horror.... I have not been in that situation since that day... I was coming back from the hospital, and on the corner of Yonge and Front I saw a woman lying on the street net to the pavement. I was gonna ride over her, if I have not seen her. So I stopped, since nobody else did, asked her if she was OK, she did not respond first, was crying. So I called 911 and told them how she was dressed and that she seemed drunk and stoned. A HUGE MISTAKE!!! Than some guy came too, and then another poor woman, who said it was her friend. But Mary did not want to get up, she was spaced out crying... We tried, Brenda gave her food and a drink... 911 did not even send an ambulance! They just got a police... in 30 min. And was so terrible. I did not know what to do, what to say. I asked her to go to the ER at least for the night to get washed, and fed... she refused. She said she was on methadone, and every morning they slapped her on the ass, and she wished she was dead!!!!!!!!! And Brenda said Mary was a nurse before in Sunnybrook, but then she got hooked up with some guy, and now she is on the streets, and just got out of jail.... Brenda said she could not take it anymore to see people dying... I just did not know what to do ... I wanted to help, the guy gave them some money and water, they did not wanna go to a shelter, Mary did not want anything. She said she had to pee, and was gonna pee on the pavement right there... And she started walking and then the police came, and we told them what happened, and all they said was that they knew her from before and she lived there and she was brutal... I watched after and they just talked to her for 2 min and let her go....
I have not fekt so useless and so guilty, and so scared in a long time...
When I was alone, I could not even bike anymore, was just going around downtown, called my freinds, and was all shaky, and could not even talk... OMG... I felt like that last time... And 2 years ago I still do not know what to do. I felt so bad. Why the hell do we do all the research when people are still on the streets!!!!! WHY!!!! I talked to my friends, one listened, the other did not, my coworkers tried to show me that we cannot help anyone, and I did the right things, and all... But WHY!!! I cannot understand... It is so much pain and unjustice... they assumed she was fucked up and did not come to help her... what if she was dying!!! And I am supposed to trust ER and the police!!!! Yeah, right!!!
I was walking and talking for a very long time... and then I got worse and worse... I could not talk and think straight, but I could not cry either. I cannot cry anymore anyways. And then all these thoughts going back, about what happened 2 years ago, about my job, about myself. And you know what, it is never gonna go away...
If something happens to me, I will end up on the street too... There is nobody that cares enough to take care of me, and I do not think I would allow anyone to come close enough to me anyways. I do not trust people anymore. It is too much pain. If something happens to me, I would prefer to be dead.

Friday was more confusion and some fun

I was still upset this morning, even though I do not remember having nightmares. I told you I did not care about anything anymore to be moved enough... Lack of remorse is one of the symptoms of... I did talk to my coworkers, but they had nothing to say.. what can you tell me anyways. I was so upset and shaking still... They tried, but I guess it was the powerlessness that got me.

We went to the Queen's Site. A nice history lecture, a lot of the people were patients. A tour too. A lot of stuff about what has bee going on and how things were, and still are... It was terrible even 10 years ago! The person giving the tour was a prof in York, also a survivor... but you can see he still had some of the symptoms, same with others. And not much has really changed. SO I guess I found out that it was not just for her, but in generally, you cannot be cured. Only try to recover enough to function again. But it will never be gone. The paintings.... The images... The buildings... The people.... So scary! One of the patients liked Claire and was following her for a long time on the tour, being so close to her, so I stayed with her and then asked Ken to come over too. And the albino squirrel!!! :D
When I walked out of there, I just told them that I cannot work with mentally ill patients... It is way too much for me. I cannot take the emotional burden. It would end me up...

A lot threw me out this week. It hurts again. I still do not understand.

I saw 2 movies tonight
Kind Arthur: great! I loved the story, the effects, the actors, the MUSIC!!! Amazing :D I am happy I went :)
The door in the floor: very interesting, shocking, realistic, dramatic, dark humour, but unique in the way it poses problems and solutions. Good choice, even though we were probably the only one young people in the crowd. A good movie to shake you thouroghly... Perfect end to a shocking week.

Right now I am really tired of people. I wish I could run away, just me, away from anyone and anything. I wish I could run away from myself too. I need a break. And I do not want any more emtions, nothing to shake my perfect world. Because nobody can ever understand how I feel, what goes on in my mind and soul, or what I need.

Peace and loneliness in the Darkness

CONTACT TEAM

2004-07-14T00:35:00.000-04:00

Please bear with me, because I am a little very much tired, and on only like 10 hours of sleep in the last over 50+ hours.

So, I had a field trip today. We were shadowing people from a CONTACT team, which is a community-oriented program for people with mental problems. The clients I saw were mainly with schizophrenia. They were mostly more normal than I have expected, and the medications gave them really good way to deal with life. Of course, accidents, like one of them going to jail or being arrested because not taking meds, were also common. I did like the job. Was dynamic and all :)
Also, the workers were weird. Some of them were dry and way too serious, and not that nice to the clients. One of the men was even sarcastic and nasty to one of the client, I guess he tried to be funny. He seemed too judgemental, and picked up even on me.
Another guy was so nice!!! He is from Albania, and real nice, and we talked and he gave me advices and pointers, so nice! I think now I know the reason why I am more attracted to guys who are Europeans ;) It is the whole package man, right there wow :D
One other guy was kinda weird. I asked him million of questions, and he had a little non-understanding attitude. But I mean, you cannot judge them, cause I just dropped from the sky and will never see them again.
Anyways, the second part of the day we went to the Chum City Museum, which was interesting for me. We saw Felix the Cat, who was the first TV object. And Merilyn Monro's TV :D Was nice I think. And the clients were pretty well functioning.
I think I will be working in an ACT team some day for sure, at least for few months.

Otherwise... yeah... well I have noticed that honestly I do not give much attention to anything anymore. I am really relaxed, do not care who says what, let things slide around me without freaking out. I just do not give a shit about anyone and anything.
I had a fight with Kris couple of days back, for something stupid, cause he said something... anyways... I just started doing something else and then in 15 min I seemed like nothing happened. I did not have any anxiety, no usual panicking and shit like that. I dunno man. I guess it is good cause I do not really stress myself anymore. Bit sometimes I think (not even worry), that I have become way too egoistic, and soo much lack of remorse may not exactly reflect me. I still need to find Jason's Gold Middle.
Whatever. I really do not give a shit about who says what about me, or who does what to me, or any bullshit like that. Fuck all. Nobody cares anyways, why the hell would I care eh?
I don't.

I LOVE my LIFE!!!! :D

2004-07-04T23:22:00.000-04:00

I really do right now :D It has been amazing few days, and I am just so so excited and happy :D Even though I have not done much things for school, but hey, there is time for everything!
today i woke up at 9 am (on a SUnday!!!). Got the bike and had 5 Hash Browns mmmm soooooo gooooooood :D Then, I biked for like 2 hours to my parents' new appartment, which i adore, because it has a swimming pool close by, it is in a park silent area few yards from the beach, and it is generally a great apartment. I even made a few stirkes with the paintbrush :D We had a pretty nice day actually, some nice food, some laughs and all. Well, they still hope I will go back to live with them, but I keep trying to explain that this is not happening no matter what. BUt was better than usual anyways. I even went to Best buy on Sherway Gardens, which is like 30 min biking. This is the ugliest place ever! So packed up with cars, no pedestrians, no cyclists, just cars, cars and more cars! I hated it there!!! And i could not even buy the M3 player I really want. next time. then I went back, and picked up my bro, and we went to see SPiderman too. Well, the rain caught me, so I had to take the streetcar, and there was a flood at that time in downtown, but I know my way around now, so did not get all wet to the bones as I did the Thursday before. Then We had to go to Eglington for the movie. honestly I did not like Spiderman 2. I guess I am just fed up with all that junk with heros and shit like it. Give me real movies man! About real people! Like Black and White I watched at the Harbourfront yesterday. Well this is a real problematic movie :)
And after the movie I took Yonge down to Whitney Hall, which bumped up my adrenaline to the ceiling :D And Ihad a nice talk with few people at the same time on msn, and then shower, and all ready now for a calm wuiet night :)
Sometimes I wish it rained more often so I can get to stay home and relax. Well, I will do that all winter :D
Btw, I am all dark and red now because of all the sun with Nate and the biking this few days. I am gonna be black at the end of the summer :D
Also, I got on good terms with someone, and I really did miss him, but do not tell him that, so it makes me even happier :D
K, time to go to bed after a crazy weekend :D
Nighty night

The explanation

2004-07-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been busy wow :) I know that is not gonna cut it, but still...
So since the last time I have been insanely busy, but things have been going great actually :) Work is great, I am having fun with my co-workers, and we keep exploring the restaurants in CHina town and around. ANd I even got candy from CLaire :D She is so nice :) I like being treated as a little kid ;)
Canada's Day was great! We walked around downtown, lied down enjoying music at Harbourfront, watched the fireworks, and generally, soooo nice and relaxing, and cray and all!!!
Harbourfront is my new home btw :) They had international festival with food and music there. I had Tabetan and African food, and some Indian stuff.
Also, after 2 months I found my potato pattees, which are called Hash Browns in McDonalds and I can only have them for breakfast.
I got to teach a whole tour by myself in the hospital.
Doing applications for the ALternatives.
got some very productive meetings with Biomers.
So, you see!!! I have been way too busy being happy and excited, and enjoying my life :D

There is something up I tell ya

2004-06-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to be coming from the gym at that time, but I just could not move at all. I am so sleepy, and tured, and insanely hungry. I guess I need to try taking better care of myself....

We went for lunch at some Chinese place today. Really nice place actually, and I had lots of rice with soy sauce (no matter what Hainan said) and veggies and tofu and all that stuff. Around work I am going to get to know all of the restaurants around :D Which is great :D China town is an experience ;)
I liked the stats seminar. First because it is just the 4 of us students. This is the style I like and I get all motivated and stuff. Remins me of high school classes... And third, of course, because JOhn is an amazing teacher! So now I am all understanding where some of the stuff comes from. I even tried to get an SPSS manual today, but no luck.
So I went to Koffler Health Services to get my stuff done. yeah, right! These things just do not happen! This doc was such a pain, and the results are not even in yet. So I will prob need another few weeks :( I am not happy at all with the medical services. And you expect me to go for a physical check, no way!
I also thought that my SOC class on Health Issues would be fun, since I work with that, But no, of course no! The prof was famous, but I hardly stood the hwole 2 hours. Disappointment.
I really need some sleep... I dunno...
night :)

YEY for statistics

2004-06-23T00:10:00.000-04:00

So this is my bedtime reading. yeah, don;t wonder too much, I have become obsessd with stats, SPSS, and all that quantitative measures and other junk. I need to write 2 essays, one on sexual diversity, and one on family members of schizophrenic patients. So yeah... I need to get that done soon. At least the research.
Btw, I finally found why Nancy was so pissed at me for my wrong definitions of variables: cause I did not even include the missing values posibility in my analysis, and in my syntax. So anyways, hopefully next time...
I felt kinda crappy this morning. I dunno what the hell is up. I was hungry for luch! I am never hungry for lunch otherwise! I guess I need to start putting sme clothes other than these fairy pink transparent babydoll when I get to sleep.
So at lunch I went with Ria and Christina to a chinese place, and had tofu and veggies mmmm. One of the things was fungus, and was really nice actually. I love Chinese food now :) And have not had so much to eat in a day for few weeks. Ad then I wonder why my body protests. So was an interesting lunch for sure. Ria is a very interesting person. Reminded me of myself actually... because she has had a lot of shit in her life too, but is super dynamic, and her children are everything for her. I was impressed.
We dropped by in an artsie shop. Impressed again. I remembered that i used to write and paint.... maybe when I am 50 and has some free time. Not that I expect that to ever happen to me...
I got to do some of the tour at the hospital today. Man, these nurses can be so bad at teaching. And when the parents look at ME, and thank ME, and say I am helpful, you see the extend to which the program is going down. Only 2 hot chocolates today though :( No others were left that is why.
And I got stuffed with food for the next 2 months today. I am serious. Nowadays this is what I do: Buy stuff once a month, just cereal, noodles, that is all. The new Aroma Therapy body wash is very refreshing. And the new aroma thingie I got for my room too. I can sense it. I like :)
Otherwise, biking was biking as always :D And I did some reading. And Now i am tired.
Oh, I had some guy msg me today on IRC. He asked if I got a webcam, cause he was horny and wanted to exchange some masturbation practices wow. He actually told me a lot of people do it. I was like, okkkk, whatever hun, you have gotten the right person here. I mean, I have done, and still do some perverted things, but that... I do not think so.

Anyways, no webcams for you :D
Night :)

I am early tonight :D

2004-06-21T22:51:00.000-04:00

Cause it is Raining, and I want to use the rest of the night for more intimate activities ;)
Work was nice today. I just did the transcrip of that stuff. Still got deadlines to do though. Btw, the office is freezing! I had to come home and put warm clothes. BOOOOOO
normal stuff with class and tutorial, funny things. I find it so amazingly ridiculous some of the people in that class.
And I got wet even though I was not naked at all :) yeas yeas, it was the rain after class, what did you think about eh ;)
Oh... uhm... I talked to someone tonight... The convo itself was nice and sweet and all. BUT, it reminded me of somebody... I dunno, I guess I will never get over the past. It will always havea special croner in my heart. And the pain will be coming back every time when the door to the little corner is open... I just wish it did not mean anything. I thought it has been long enough. guess not. I do care still though. I mean, I will always love him. I know we would never really be happy together. I would dump him like all the others... But still, it does make me sad.
Was different though. I stopped, thought about it for a few minutes, and then it did not matter. I did not feel anything. I guess that is good :D No more emotions from me :D I am happy the way it is. Even though it is not the most moral way to live my life, but who cares. As someone once told me, as long as I am happy at the end of the day, nothing really matters.
I am happy :D
but my tummy hurts insanely! I need to go to the doctor. My body is too messed up. I hope it is not what I think it is.... OUCH.
K, NIght ;)
SEX in the RAIN

Father's Day!!

2004-06-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

It was today, in case you have forgotten :)
What did I do for my daddy? Well, I actually did end up going there, by bike!!! And stayed for an hour, gave him my card, but then decided to jet before the storm.
Biking today for 8 hours was aaamazing! I got tanned too :) Well, I am red, but I mean, so nice! I was with Alena for the second part of the day, and even if we did not go to Central Island, still really nice. I am happy I did it. There was a huge fire on the island though, and I guess a bunch of ohers, cause the fire engines were flying like crazy all afternoon at Harbourfront.
Otherwise, did not really do that much. But I read the chapter on poverty and class for SOC :) No reserach though, and Carolyn is gonna kill me, and no SPSS and Nancy is gonna kill me. But so what! It was a good weekend, so screw it all :)

And now I need to take care of that insane hotness all over my body ;)

Nighty NIght :D

Happy Saturday Night ;)

2004-06-19T21:44:00.000-04:00

So yeah, what are you doing home on Saturday you guys!!! Go out, get drunk/stoned/laid,and party it up big time, cause in a day it is back to work :D

Here is what I did so far:

1) I SLEEP 11 hours last night :D I love it :D Don;t ask me when I woke up cause I would be ashamed to tell ya ;) And I did not even get up, but stayed in bed for the next an hour or so. Was soooooo goooood :D And I had company so that was even nicer ;)

2) I spend $30 back on photocopying in Roberts! OUCH! But better than over $150 on books.

3) SO why in bed, I found out that HOobastank had a concert today. BUt no tickets :( So I took the bike and went to check out for cach tickets. On the way I bumped at the wheelchair championship around Queen's Park. And these wheelchairs are not like usual at all! It was amazing! I am so so inspired by these people! Some of them were Olympic and Paraolympic champions!!! Craziness I tell ya ;) So you see!!! There is nothing that can ruin your life if you want to live! Not even death itself. :)
But no tickets for the concert, and honestly after seeing the audience was 13-14 year old teenage girls who think they understand music, well maybe I did not want to go after all either ;)
But, around the place for the concert I found the Toronto Horticultural Society Greenhouse, and went to get a peak, was so beautiful! And I discovered I like cacti more than most other plants :) I guess that can be used in my psycoanalytical profile as a good indication of my personality ;)

4) I was supposed to go to my parents' house tonight for father's day, but obviously that did not work. So instead I went on a biking trip down University, Harbourfront, and up Yonge. Was fun. And I got fries and a veggie hotdog, and also there was that bird who wanted fries, so I gave it some, and it was fighting with other birds :D Everybody there was really warm dressed, compared to me. All I had on was a miniskirt, and a tanktop. Oh, on YOnge in front of the strip bars were these funny young guys, feelings weird to go in, same with the adult video place ;) I mean, these kids were so funny ;)

OMG, I was going to forget!!!! My skirt obviously was a dangerous move on my side, because I had one guy stopping me and asking me a sexual question, which I just replyed to with a smile and "sorry" and moved on, another one who was making comments after me about summer and yeah..., another one calling me "sweetie" and a lot more staring at my crotch, because they obviously did not get that I had shorts under the skirt. I mean, hello, I am not a pr0n star to wear tong right beneath the skirt! MEN!!! A highly qualifying example of human stupididty.

So here are the lessons learnt today:
- males, and especially older, would always make comments about how women dress in the summer, so screw them and just enjoy your summer
-be prepared with a second plan in any time, because we know how things are always
-venting is good, but do it in nice places OUTSIDE away from people who know you
- Toronto really needs to work on the Harbourfront area because it is gross and dark :(

SO yes, I am out for tonight, cause it is Saturday night and I have partying to do :)
Have fun kiddos ;)

A WHOLE WEEEKEND!!!!

2004-06-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

JUST FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D
It has been like months since I had a whole weekend, or two whole days in general without having to go to work, or for volunteer jobs, or to organize events, and no meetings and no nothing!!! A WHOLE WEEKEND JUST FOR MEEEE!!!! And I can do whatever I want with whoever I want to do it!!! IMG :D *JUMPS*
I still got no idea what exactly am I going to do, but I have tones and tones of work for school and work, and on top of it also will go see my daddy for father's day :D

Anyways, some stuff on today. The lecture today was on depression management in the workplace. Very interesting, but I kinda zoned out few times. Well sure I would, since I was kept awake really late by somebody last night ;) But it was worth it so I am not going to make him suffer too much tonight ;) He seems sweetie pie ;)

Work is crazy! I am tired of all that I do not know what to do and how to do it. And Nancy keeps finding stuff on my datasets, and I am so so so frustrated! And I had to take the whole book with me on the weekend. That compy shit drives me nuts, even though I love it :/ Man, why all love in my life comes with so much pain...

Biome meeting was meh. I do not wanna talk about that. I am too fed up with it all.
So instead of going to a oub so early, I decided to chill outside :D I am SO happy I did that :D Webt for a whie to the ROM. I love the second floor with the dinosaurs :D They are so cute :D Then Went to Little Italy festival. I loved the music, some jazzy, little Italian though, but some hot rhythms too :) And I had roasted corn :D The way my grannie makes it, with the leaves... mmmmm soooooo goood :D I am really glad I went :D And honestly, I really enjoyed just walking and enjoying the people. I like going alone to such places, because it is just me I need to ask where to go :)

And now I am so dead tired! But tomorrow I can sleep allllllll daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy :D
So tonight I can have some company and chillax ;)

Btw, bad news, my period if really messed up. I got no clue what is going on. OUCH.

Harvey Steiner research day

2004-06-18T23:18:00.000-04:00

I am not sure about his last name though. This was yesterday, but was really impressive and deserves my detailed description.
It is a research day of the Psychology Department in U of T, and CAMH (where I happen to work) and various hospitals presented. I was at the Health Research Unit presentations, and honestly, most of them were very very interesting. Lori Corna also was there :D I have not seen her for a really long time, but was interesting to listen to her undergrad project. Her research established that for people with mild disabilities it was less beneficial any therapy. Which actually des have implementations in practice. And there was a poster presentation as well. And I got to eat eggplant wraps which were very very good mmmm :D

I also went again to the Dufferin Mall after the hospital yeasterday, and bought 2 shirts, 3 tank tops and a bag!!! Finally I got a bag.

What else, a crazy night, cause I had to do the schedule for the alternative and all that stuff.

Other stuff I forget wow :D

The peak of today...

2004-06-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

Was me sitting on the bed just after I got back from working out, the room all dark besides the red light from my artsie lamp, smooth jazzie music, door slightly open, and me licking more than 15 freeezzziiiieeeeessss.... I love these solitude paradises.
I need to do that more often.

Today was insane!!!
1) I had to do that data entry form the Drug Formulary again, but whatever, somebody's gotta do it.
2) 10 am we had the whole unit in Paula's office for Williams graduation. He defended his PHD at HARVARD!!! Singing, music, some chat with really serious older people. In times like that I feel so negligable. I mean, all of these people have at least a PhD. Most have few postdocs, some have more than one masters. Like you know, brains!!! But honestly, I do not think I want to spend all my life doing research. That is yet to be decided though.
3) HAd cookies at work mmmmm and everybody loved them tooo :D Vegan cookies can be AMAZINGGGG!!!! mmmmmm makes me go grab some right now!
4) Stats seminar. THIS is how I was to study statistics! John is such an amaizing lecturer, made so much sense, and inspired me to go over my stat text again and get more info from the net and other texts. I LOVED the one and a half, almost 2 hours he lectured us!!! Now I want masters school!
5) Got early cause did not have lunch and had to cram for the test.
BUT, some guys talk first. SO today I was amongs all these increduble men, all so successful, intelligent, polite, ambitious, serious, devoted, energetic, great company, classy men. And if they were younger, I would probably loose my mind by now. They are very attractive still exactly because of their inteligence.
THEN, I get out from work, walking on the street, and my eyes got caught on a god! This extremely athletic, hot, darkskinned, greek god was standing right in from of the Pharmacy building. My eyes just got on him and could not move them. Now this is a HOT GUY. He was like one of these models from the ads. I jsut got no words to descibe how he turned everything in me. but still, he was just a hot, sexy guy who I would not mind having sexual relationship with, but i would never consider him for more than sex. For me, give me some of these PhDs ;) here is now psychology in practice ;)
6) test was Ok. Essay tests, meh...
7) I treated myself really well tonight: Right after my wonderful heroic hand was done with the last word, I took it to Kensington market, and had falafel. I just learnt how correctly to pronounce this word. Very weird... but not such a bad taste. Oh, btw, I had to pay over $6 for a toothpaste and a toothbrush!!! Robbery!!!
8) RIght after coming home went to the gym. Needed the work out. And felt good. I am gonna do it every night from now on. Part of my new schedule.
9) Gym was a good reason for a loong hot shower mmmm ;)
And now back to bed :D The second peak of my day is about to sweep me off my feet. I love it :D
And to you who is faling asleep, good night :)

When you know there is nothing you can do...

2004-06-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

It really feels miserably. Espcially when the feeling is coming from a very special person in your life, and there is not much you can do, cause you are on "a break". I really hate these times when it is all messed up. Maybe I should go try talk to him again, so I do not feel so powerless. It has been a while since the last time I was able to feel somebody's emotions. Well except G, but he is always an exception to any rule in my life.

Anyways, enough from my feelings.
You got no clue how stressful an office job can be! With all that hurry UP! cause they got a presentation due in 15 min and you still got a whole bunch of numbers to punch in. And of course, they were 15 min late. Meh, pointless stress if you ask me.

Oh, haha :) So I went for the X-ray today, and the technician asked me if there was a chance for me to be pregnant. The funny thing is I actually had to think about it this time wow. But nah, i mean, nah!!! wow hopefully ;)

Studying all day after 6 today, and still not even half through it. Damn stupid cramming, no more!!! NO MORE CRAMMING!!! Damn me now!

And today I feel weird. I am hungry. I am never hungry!!! And just, my general phisiology is cracked up. Meh whatever.
Tomorrow is another day.
I go talk to him now... or i can at least try...
Good night to you :)

My weekends are even more tiring than my weekdays!

2004-06-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

*Sigh* I guess that is what it is. Wana know why? I will tell you anyways :D
Saturday was work/fun with Nate. We went to High Park, which was a total success actually. He was so happy, omg, I love when he is so happy. Was walking by himself around, and playing with that baloon that he found on the ground, and the doggies and all. We went to the kid's area with the fortress, and he just got lost there for like an hour. I was exactly like all other parents, looking around for him, calling his name when I do not see him for a while. This is starting to get to me. All these motherly actions and feelings and all. Strangely for me, but I like being a mom :) And the weather was so great, I got some suntan on my arms and legs. The people there were nice too. One person even helped me out to get Nate out of the baby swing when his feet got stuck. But the waiting for the veggie dog took like 15 min! No need to mention Nate did not appreciated the wait at all, so he ended up on the ground or trying to get the buns. He also wanted to step on the water in the lake, since it seemed so like a real ground to him. I wish somebody gave me a list of all the things he does not percieve, so I am prepared for such posibilities. We walked from Bloor to Queen Street and got on the streetcar, have you ever been on a streetcar where everyone is looking at you and nodding disapprovingly because they could smell "something"? ha ha ;) That's us :D

After worked i went to that shop in Kensignton market Lori showed us, got falafel (which I did not exactly like for some reason), halva mmmmmmmm!!! and some sesame peanut balls. Nice stuff :D And the rest of the afternoon and the evening was reading my Soc stuff. The night was interesting and very relaxing though :D I slept total of like 10 hours. Don;t ask me what time I woke up wow :D

Sunday was Soc all day in the piano room. I need to hang out there studying more often, after that shock I got from a certain website recommended by Biome. Damn! And I had the frosh exec meeting. I need to get on top of things with that and make the poster, and the wensite message, and the application forms and all. I dunno, I feel my partner is kinda annoyed with the fact she has to do it for the 3rd time... I love it though. Will be SO MUCH FUN!!! :D Btw, there was a TV day in my house today, so the people were watching movies while I was studying. Not exactly my best experience, since I never get the chance to get to know anyone cause I am never home.

SO yeah, this was my weekend! Tomorrow is Monday :D And I got a test on Wednesday btw, so do not look for me till then.

I love midnight! This is the peak of my day. Too many reasons. Second is for the music, and the sleep I would eventually get ;)
Good night :D

I AM FREE!!!

2004-06-11T23:41:00.000-04:00

It is over! I went there today and talked to her. About you know stuff. Normal stuff! For the first time! Just something that everybody talks about :D And at the end she took all these notes about my life, and then said there is no need to see her anymore! I made it :D FUCK I MADE IT!!!!! :D

On other news....
So yeah, today work was insane as always, trying to meet deadlines. We had a meeting for out objectives, and I found out Christina is also doing schizophrenia so we may share some info. And I promised her coffee some time too :D And we had that guy giving us a tour of the ARF, which was really funny, because he was so weird, and made all these inappropriate for his position jokes :D BUt I found so much about the centre. It is weird that I have been there for like 10 months now and did not know anything about other parts of the building but the 3rd floor of the tower. The other part of the day went with table, numbers, more tables and more numbers. I still got tones to do Monday morning. But I am learing! YEY!!!

Spend the evening with Olena around downtown and we went to the Eaton CEntre. I was not supposed to buy stuff, but was still looking for a top to go with that funky skirt I got, so that made me buy 3 shirts for like under $50. Fairweather has nice sale going on: 2 for 1 if you are into that kinda clothing. SO not I got more funky stuff, that needs funky lingerie. BUt the night was really nice :) I like spending time with her, just chatting around stuff. Even serious stuff you know, we kinda understand each other because of similar background. So my new theory on how I cannot just chill with people because I always feel the need to be more serious and discuss important issues in our lives just fell apart tonight. I guess it is all up to the level of comfortability. We shall see.

And now I love the night, and will love it even more in 10 min ;)
K, fun day in High Park with Nate tomorrow.
Night to you, and I keep it cracking mmmmmmmm ;)

Time to Refurnish :D

2004-06-11T00:03:00.000-04:00

Oh, I decided to change the template, in the hope to make my huge typing seem less, but oh well... Not all is roses in life ;)
And btw, I know I type way too much for people to just take a quickie at it, but I do it for myself, because I tend to forget anything about my life. This was recommended to me, so I use it fully :)
Anyways, Today? Good day :D Colder than yesterday for sure. Last night was crazy though wow :D Ended up falling asleep around 3 am or so. BUt yeah ;) Whatever floats my boat right :D
Things at work seem strssful, even though I never stress about anything anymore. But when you are the only on ewho has tones of work and always has deadlines to meet, and has to stay till 5:30 instead of 5, well, it gets a little frustrating. Good Nancy is still around. But now Emily is gone, it is all over the two of us, and she is not very happy either. And Carolyn is SO demanding. I know she does it for us, but still, I need to use my mindreading abilities to understand her intentions at any project. Strangely enough, I am picking the coding pretty easily, and after I get my stats book, and have chat with John, hopefully things will start getting a little more clear. Anyways! Enough work!
Was in the Health Services again. Yeah, this time positive :( And it fucking hurts! When are these people gonna get it that I do have the antibodies in my blood! What is the point to keep injecting me with all that crap if they knew it would be positive eventually. SO now I gotta go to get X-ray. Man, hope it is all worth it.
Btw, I am a little scared of the results. Not that there is a reason, but... Things have happened since the last time I had all these tests done, so there is always risk. But who cares afterall. Even if some of them are positive, I am not afraid of death.
Oh, I was going to leave today, and Christina askedme if I wanted to wait for her so we can go together. She seemed like she wanted to get to know each other more. I am up for it I think... I think... So should send an e-mail to her (even though she works 20 m from me wow) to appologize for being so late today, and ask her if she wanna go for coffee maybe after work, or do something else together. She seems nice. I like her. And I cannot always be busy after all right!
Oh, after my shift in the hospital today I went to the DUfferin Mall. Was looking for a bag, but nothing :( I should have bought that cute one from St. JOhn's :( And I got one of these shelves for my room, so I can put all the food and drinks on it. And I made it by myself :D I am really proud of myself tonight :D Cause it cost me walking down Harbour for an hour from Dufferin, cause was with my bike. But was nice!
Tomorrow is gonna be crazy again! Work, that special meeting I got, hopefully seeing Troy with a friend. Or maybe just chilling on the grass in front of my house. mmmmm ;)
K, good night now :D